i woke up at
what
something like 5 am
was some one trying to break into the room?
why is it so dark?
i’m terrified.
why am i scared
is the door locked?
i miss Leo.
and suddenly all of the energy is all fuct up
i drank some water
and tried to go back to sleep
but i was afraid of the dark
and worse
there were about 8 million voices in my head
this has happened before
sleeping in other people’s beds
and it’s one of the main reasons i hate hotels
: all of the other people’s energy
in my brother’s bed is one thing
sleeping on the buckwheat pillow my mother had used for a while
i could hear her thoughts… her dreams
could hear his
clear as a fucking radio
playing in my head
it was interesting, certainly
but hard for sleep
here
laying on my back in the dark
i could hear german
spanish
no idea what the fuck they’re saying
mostly german
barking
it was really loud
and then some english
and it was all so fucking irritating
i just wanted to sleep
meanwhile
there were people banging around in the next room
maybe they had just got home from partying
i don’t know
but i was paranoid and scared and tired and confused
i went to sleep with the candle burning
it dripped down the plastic bottle
all gone now
just me in the dark.
i try reiki shit
energy movement
it’s all stale
i’m just impotent in the dark.
ok
so i go back to sleep
but it’s not sleep for a long time
it’s dreams of Leo and travel and work with the world
dreams i often dream
dreams that make me tired
the dream was something like this:
miss leo
dream
perfect place for swimming
clean water
drink
two other guys
one so charasmatic
jokes
amazing experiences
i keep hiding
want to be on my own
feeling i could be missing something
but Leo always finds me again
i jotted that down when i woke, but have forgotten the details
eventually
i wake again
and it’s 11
which is good
i really needed to fucking sleep
but my body hurts
and i don’t feel like i can move
ugh
what’s going on?
drinking last night
2 X 1
not such a good idea
or was it the daddies?
i don’t know
but i’m tired
and wasn’t that guy supposed to call me at 10?
s’ok he didn’t
i just need to rest.
i move around slowly.
use the toilet
squeeze the lemon i bought in santiago… or was that burgos?
barcelona? …
still got it
squeezed it into a glass and poured that into my water
lemon day, thanks.
spend the day sitting at the computer
wondering where i’m going to go tomorrow
as the guy in granada got in an accident and has his leg in bandages
so i can’t visit him right now
( i fear for my friends sometimes )
Malaga?
Cordoba?
no contacts in Lisbon yet.
a massage client here in Madrid next week
but i don’t want to stay here for a week
no response back from Cadiz..
i spend a few hours looking through Silverdaddies
just distracted by all the hot guys
i don’t get my objectives done
when my battery dies
( i get a better signal out in the hall table )
but i carry the computer back to bed and plug it in and push it to the edge
got an OK signal
so continue to wrap up some of the SD stuff
then start tweeking my little home page a bit
writing letters
contacts.
contacts.
talk on skype for a while
chat
talk
sister
mother
alan
leo
chat chat
a few other calls that don’t go through
and dennis
but i am hungry now
lemon water almost gone
and it looks like a grey day outside
what should i do?
go to the turkish embassy?
go to the daddy bar?
go to find a laundry?
it would be nice to wash some clothes…
hours are clicking by
i decided i would feel better if i wrote for a while.
so i wrote for a while
but it wasn’t enough
just up til here
just scattered a bit
and it took forever to leave the room
but i pulled myself together
so fucking hungry
and as i got dressed
i remembered the orange and tangerine i had grabbed from the bars last night!
so i ate them
and
oh my god
i don’t remember the last time fruit tasted so good!
leo was surprised i wasn’t eating fruit
and it wasn’t really attractive to me
all that cold weather
i just wanted meat and cheese
but it’s getting warmer now
yes
fruit
oh..
but i do need something heavier, right
so i go out to see if i can find a laundry mat
i walk up and down the streets
trying to suss it out, understand the layout
this whole place is so fucking commercial
is it a neighborhood
those two boys just came back from washing their clothes! or shopping..
i can’t speak spanish anyway
they look at me like a freak
which of course i am: they’re gay boys
they’re probably terrified.
so i get a falafel from Falafel King
which at least has real lamb
the Döner i had there last night was lovely
the falafel is rewarmed in a microwave
but ok
i pay and walk around
still looking
the air in cities smells so bad
the noise
and all this color and light…
i walk around and around
the idea of eating and walking is a bad one
i’m getting sauce all over me
and i remember i was supposed to meet that oh-so-handsome man at the bar tonight
oh
do i want to do that?
i don’t want to do that
look at all these beautiful people in Chueca square!
wouldn’t it be nice if i were spanish
or cosmopolitan
and i could sit in the square too?
talking in spanish
looking smart
at a table
look at that sexy man at the table
his big belly!
his bottle of beer!
[poured in a glass to drink]
look at those cute kids
sitting on the ground against the closed shop
look at all the imaginings
yeah
i’ll meet him at the bar
i walk in
and there he is
he’s right there
he smiles and waves
i’m on time
we’re on time
i go to get a beer
but i don’t want beer
i don’t want alcohol
and they don’t have dark beer
so i get nothing
go back over to him
and talk
but tonight it’s harder
because he’s been drinking longer?
because his friend is there..
some beautiful boy speaking spanish
like i can’t
and this beautiful man can’t speak english
(though he lived in brooklyn for two months)
that beautiful boy is partnered to…
the beautiful bear from Manchester i’d talked with on line (who didn’t call me)
so there is some awkward tension
they offer me a cigarette
which i
of course
turn down
the recant
and accept
it tastes terrible
i’m not even inhaling
gross.
we’re talking
we’re friends now
and it’s all about sex
sex makes friends
that’s the kind of boy i like
just make a suggestion and he’s down on his knees
i’m not saying i’m the biggest slut in the world
but i’m up there among them
and i’m not adverse to getting on my knees and sucking off 7 guys
you’re like a kid in a candy store
i am i am
it’s like a flute
flautus
but his is like a trombone!
bwaaaa
and that really cute round faced full bearded guy is looking at me
ever so shy
can’t keep eye contact
but he’s fascinated.
how do i make friends?
and that other guy
who looks nice enough
but just really really really wants me to go down stairs and have sex with him
and i don’t want to be here
don’t like the smoke
don’t want a beer
can’t speak spanish
don’t want to have sex
it goes on a while
and they like me more and more
but it is really time for me to be going
there’s a long battle to make the beautiful man, Jakobo
understand that i am going to be gone all week
maybe i’ll see him friday?
but he teaches sociology at some college and usually comes here after class thursday
Friday, after massage
i say
i say
got a client on Friday
at this point
it’s just OK
i hug the beautiful Manchesterian
[who just got back from traveling for 10 weeks with his skinny and pretty boy friend… around east asia… everyone has to go to the Babylon Sauna in Bangkok… it is The Place! … and Ancor… must see Ancor… they didn’t make plans… just rode on the back of trucks… got to where they were going… didn’t see other europeans for 3 weeks! wow! no matter how amazing my life is i will always envy others, damnit]
i walk outside
and the meagerly attractive guy who was energetically begging me for sex runs after me
i explain i’m hungry (but not for that)
and don’t speak spanish
he speaks no english
and explains he’s sorry we couldn’t play
and
GOOD NIGHT!
i walk back to the Falafel King to get my Second Course:
Döner Kebab
i order it
and look over
there’s this big guy with a beard
tall guy, husky
he’s standing there drinking a water
he looks utterly lost
he’s wearing a ball state t-shirt
ball state is in Muncie… an hour from where i grew up
we do what’s needed
i say it to him
“i grew up and hour from Muncie”
he looks at me
those big lost eyes fixing on something
fixing on me
for a moment
coming to shore
“are you from there?”
it takes a while to get answers out of him
and i’m not pushing
i don’t know why i’m talking to him
i’m not really cruising him
i’m just here.
different than last night
different than an hour ago
a woman running the counter
three old men
grandpappis to be sure
they hand me my sandwich
OH, OK
i sit to eat it
(it’s so fucking good! the bread perfectly toasted, nice oil.. the young lamb meat, fresh vegetables, sauce… texture and warmth perfect, crispy..)
he
orders
something
and
he
sits
next
to
me
and
he
talks.
we talk.
we talk for a while
eventually
he’s from southern california
moved to Ohio when he was 5
then indiana
somewhere in there
it’s hard for him to go back
could never live there again
i know
“lived in the bay area for 8 years”
queer?
“now i’m in atlanta”
just arrived that morning
his ATM card got locked coz he didn’t tell them he was traveling
and
he had only $5 on him
trouble
sometimes we got trouble
his hands are shaking terribly..
is it too much coffee?
is it DT?
is it a past of crank?
or a high school foot ball injury?
i wonder
but am not ready to ask him
i’m just listening
and i tell him my plans
and when i say i’m going to Bearcelona
he says he’ll be there too
so
ok, buddy
here’s my mobile number
(but he’s even having trouble with that)
i’m a neighbourly guy
a good hoosier christian
reaching out my hand
blessings
should i go back to the bar?
no
no
i just go home
and it’s an hour later than i thought
some how the time got screwed up on my phone when i was walking Leo through fixing his.
damn near midnight
and i have to travel tomorrow
go to sleep bud
oh
but i meant to do that photo project for Dennis
which involves…
silverdaddies and eurowoof somehow
and everyone in portugal
and emails from last week
and reading friends journals
and about radiohead some more
and watching videos
somehow
it’s 4 am by the time i’m all finish
but i did edit some good face pictures
will i have internet in the next week?
maybe i’ll post some face pictures if i do…
right now
i fucking need to get to sleep.