up to michigan

i’m up at The Cabin right now:
my father bought a big hunting lodge when i left for england 10 years ago
it’s in quite nice shape now
about 30 dead animals around the house
mounted on the walls
— they watch over us.
acres of forest around us
against 1000 acres of national forest behind that
through the rivers
for fishing
and canoeing…
while the small town of Baldwin holds great icecream
interesting small-town-folk
slight ghetto lifestyle
and reminders of Idlewild, the end of the underground railroad up here
once a Black Mecca of the arts and freedom…
my father and his friends
my brother and his friends
have been up here this weekend Fly Fishing.
(and drinking)
i left Indiana on thursday with my dad and his buddies
drove up in a caddilac…
they dropped me in LaPort so i could work on a massage client there
— an interesting fellow
— his aura was amazing
so open..
i had to ask him if he knew he was psychic
and he admitted to it
but in a tone that expressed how much it bothered him
— he reminded me of another old friend of mine from michigan:
a big man, very big man
perhaps the largest man i’ve ever worked on
and i was very tired
but it felt pretty good
soothing him with energy
and skin…
i hope his muscles felt better too..
he told me how relaxed he felt the next day:
the first massage i’ve ever done an hour at night
and then another in the morning
(well, there was that guy outside of boston…)
he rented a hotel
and in the morning
he drove me up to Grand Rapids…
Gene and Jim
these two guys: i love them.
(in so many ways)
they are 61 and 73, respectively
and Jim is my playmate, where as Gene is my Sister.
they both love telling stories
so
that night
i met up with a boy i met down at Short Mountain
and after some cuddling and conversation
took he and his friend back to Gene and Jim’s house…
kinda to show them off as a wonderful wealth and entertainment…
G&J talked non-stop for nearly four hours
but i felt my friends were, over all, interested
G&J came from modest families
and built up their current wealth from their own hands…
they have been together for 38 years
and love eachother as family
sleep separately
enjoy bickering
but also enjoy expressing how indelible they are in eachother now
they drove me up to my father’s cabin yesterday
and Gene was, his usual self, fully out and loud…
he was very attracted to my dad and his big-bellied friend
cruising them and pushing the energy around
i felt my own “boundaries” being pushed
as i’ve done my best to agree with my father’s comfort level
and don’t push his buttons about homosexuality
to have G&J talk with him openly about their Gay Bath House businesses…
seeing my father’s face glaze over and body tension rise
then subside…
and noticing my own tensions doing the same…
Gene, openly, asking me why i’m not built like my father and brother (big bear men)
exposing my own, perhaps, sources of attraction for men like themselves…
it left me feeling pretty giddy and spun…
then i was alone with Family again (the other kind)
and dinner was made
my potatoes weren’t all that good by the time we ate them
and i felt out-of-place
and insecure…
sitting around the fire only deepened that
as my brother and his friends discussed drunk-dialing eachother
and the days of College…
— i couldn’t relate
and when i came to speaking with my brother
a familiar dynamic arose yet again
where he felt i was being condescending and haughty
and i was doing my best to relate and understand
… but from an “above position, looking down”
because i’m just not in the same kind of life they’re in…
i would prefer to say “from a different position to another”
but it really was more like the former
though i…
anyway
i walked away to let things cool
past the security light
to the road
to see Mars…
not as large as the moon (thank god)
but beautiful and bright
the moon close behind it
stars falling through the sky
and a strange lime-green northern lights creeping down from up north to show off for us… first time i’d seen that
it made me feel nice to go to sleep
even if there was a coyote skin on top of the bed before i lay down…
and this morning…
i only pray that New Orleans isn’t totally obliterated: i’ve not seen it yet and would like to…