Leaving Rio (i wrote this a few days ago. when i left) 3/3/2004

Watched the entirety of the LORD OF THE RINGS yesterday
(1)
it occured to me that at one time
we could feel evil
we could see what we felt
the invisible was often visible
and this was a part of every day life
… the gollums, the goblins, the will-o’wisps…
as we have become more materialist
and dissmissed these things as superstition
purposing that nothing exists beyond what can be proven by the limited tool of science
perhaps evil decided it needed to make itself more apparent
and manifested as politicians
same difference, right?
Ghouls.
(2)
the whole movie was such an allegory
a match-box full of them
when Gandalf “died”
he went from the lowest points of the earth
to the highest
fighting the ancient balrog, beast of shadow and flame
going through all that was himself
battling all that was dark and destructive in him self
even that which was so old and created far before his time
he was doing the work for the world.
—-
when was the last time i wrote?
oh,something about proctologists, right…
right now i am sitting on a bus
writing on a lap top.
now, you may have heard me comment on how i was running out of money
blah blah blah
so what am i doing with a lap top?
well. chad hooked me up with this interesting fellow here in Rio
(well, not here anymore, i just left.. on my way back to the airport of São paulo)
he has british parents (kinda) but mostly grew up in DC, i guess
american (kinda)
has also been travelling the world for many years.
he’s like me in many ways
he falls in love
usually for a week, he says…
last year he came to brazil
after a while ago, he lived in portugal for 7 months and learned the language…
he liked it so much here
he decided to live here
and for the last five months has had a beautiful apartment in Impanema (been in others the 10 months before that)
he likes it here
the porn on the TV, local channels… at night
the porn at the news-sellers
and the way that most women here have nice big asses
(yup)
he’s got an amazing heart, though
very caring for his community
(he’s been teaching english in the Favellas… (the ghettos) and made friends with many of the people there in a mafioso kinda way (“you want me to take care of him?”))
he knew this girl who sold sarongs and things on the beach
she said there was this guy he just HAD to meet
so he met him
and it was in no time at all
that the guy was spilling all his sorrowful tales on him
and how he was in debt with the youth hostel
and oh, could he possibly lend him 600$?
now my friend here is not a businessman, he does favours…
as i do.
this chap who’s winjing on about the money
MUST have been a business man
coz he says
“look, lend me 300$ and i will give you my laptop as collateral”
my friend doesn’t want the lap top, even though it is better than his own
but he decides to take it
as collateral
and gives the guy 400$, coz he’s doing him a favour
it’s only the next day that he sees his female friend from the beach
with a 100R$ hair-do and the guy she introduced him to
with a huge lump of pure cocaine
(shakes head)
telling him that he’s gonna quadruple his money, blah blah blah
now my friend is pissed off
because he’s pretty sure that some of his students in the favellas are gonna get shot over this
and tells the guy to fuck off
and gets a wire tap on his phone
the guy dissapears
and everyone in the community is very happy with my friend
doing more and more favours for him
for getting rid of the scum
and putting some more money into the community
(winks)
400$ is about 1100R$
so
what now?
he’s got this laptop he doesn’t want (nor really knows much of how to use)
so he tries to sell it
to at least get his money back
preferably make a little more..
he gives it to me
i look it over
and it’s filled with some nasty music
speed metal, death metal, hate rock, and the sound track for “oh Brother, where art thou?”
which i like, but it is hardly an offset with a text file in the same directory called
“the big-rock of nose-candy mountain”
as well as numerous other details that show off a scattered psyche riddled with holes of insecurity and
stupidity.
i proceed to delete all the profiles and data on the HD and create a new blank one
(washes hands clean)
and my friend asks me to take it back to america
where electronics are cheaper
but more people readily have money to spend…
i will try and sell it on craigs-list
and then send the money to his parents to drop into his bank account
see, it’s hard to make money in third-world countries
nice to spend it there.. goes a long way
and my frined is now travelling through brazil with his new girl-friend
up through the amazon
bussing it all the way to Caracas Venezuela
then flying to Costa Rica for the rainbow gathering
he says he’ll probably just try and hitch a ride on some sail boats for a while
wants to see cuba before it changes too much
then back up to the USA to make more money
and return to brazil
(laughs)
ain’t that just the life?
i’m the shmuch who’s pitching it in right now.
(3)
a story like “the lord of the rings” makes everything (for me) feel epic
i’ve already talk about how movies affect me
watching about 10 hours of movie yesterday was crazy
i cried many times
shivered in the air-conditioned cold
my mind reeled with thoughts, metaphores, understanding and sad truths
and, of course, put my own life into that Epic purportions
i kept having to remind myself that i wasn’t in my final hour
where as this tale was ending before my eyes
mine was just finishing the prologue
and ahead of me is all the hard work that must be done
and the world i live in is bigger than middle-earth
so much larger
and so much more uncertain
with a myriad of different stories, beliefs, desires, creatures
i can’t make such clear lines nor have such clear allies
nor know what so simply must be done
but i do feel the epic weight of saving the whole of the world from the consuming evil
of those who seek to dominate and control the whole thing for their gain
as i feel the government of so many countries are still playing at. . .
to stop the logging of the old-growth forests…
huuuuuuu, to mainly get people out of the paranoid and disgruntled worlds they live in…
oh, why do i care?
it has pretty much been the only real passion in my life
other than big-bellied daddybears
oh, and good food.
and words.
and walking
and trees…
anyway
i felt so good about my decision to return to the US
wish i could just directly head back to the mountain
but know i have to make some money first
ok ok ok
so, there are some tales to tie up
some latches to fix down
and others to open free
i will ask the airport today if they will send me directly to NYC
which i would LOVE
but if they send me to LA first, i would accept that as well
i would prefer, however, not to go to Miami at this point
nothing is exactly flowing well for that
and i am not in the mood for anymore travelling
i am not in a good space for it
so i don’t want to waste energy doing it
i want to get to work
and get to rest
and get to loving
it’s a hard road.
my last days in Rio were frustrating
with things not going as planned over and over
Mario’s other house guest being a condecending bitch
and all the beggars and abuse i find so dificult to neglect…
and my friend Hugo
who told me repeatedly that he wants to know me
but he would not be reading my journal for a while
as he finds it odd to see himself as a charecter
we spent every third day together of my time in Rio
we ate Ovalmaltine shakes with fries from Bob’s burgers
we lay around in rented beds
with mirrors over the ceilings
and talked through our experiences, fears and desires
i listened to his minute complaints about the little things in life that just didn’t make him happy
that resonated so clearly with my own
looked at his thirty year old face
so happy and smiling
so gentlemanly handsome
knowing how distinguished and fine he will look in later years
he gives me two years to see him again…
it was a joy being with him
and though i have not felt REALLY open to loving that much in the last year
it felt good being loved by him
(though i never understand these things… why people fall in love with me… sometimes so quickly
and why, when they do, i become defensive and hesitant about my energy and emotions with them…
think of the things he gave me
some of which, actually, is too precious for me to share
(wink)
but a gift i know i have given others
and am so grateful to be given myself…
but one of the things i will share
which is also quite precious
is the small tale of San Francisco
he said when he was a child
his mother would play him (or sing him) the song
“if you’re going to San Francisco be sure to whear some flowers in your hair”
i assured him i didn’t often see people with flowers in their hair in San Francisco anymore
nor is it so gentle
(the city just doesn’t feel comfortable to me)
and it was a long way for him to go… if he were going…
he told me we could make Rio our San Francisco
or Make anywhere.
i picked a flower and tucked it behind his glasses
(as he doesn’t have long hair)
like Ferlinghetti’s “Cony Island of the Mind”
we made ourselves our own San Francisco of our hearts
each of us accusing the other of being the more innocent and free
each saying of ourselves that we were the more sad and tired and desparing of the world
it was all a joke when we were together
the more-so becuase we both knew i was leaving.
good bye, Rio
and Leo
and all the other small terrors
(i was so glad to lay in the sun, but the ocean here is green and thick like sewage)
i will miss the Açai and cheese-burgers with Egg
all the fresh juices and fresh coconuts
and you know what i will not miss
but for now
the countryside is rolling by
so beautiful and green
and i will lay my head back to enjoy it
til my eyes become heavy and i drift into dreams
on the long road home.