34. . .

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I woke late yesterday
I think it was a morning of double waking
but around noon
in bed til 2
on the video-phone with my mother
and then Koos
who told me I was beautiful, damnit
and would have to tell me again later in the day
while eating a gourmet grilled cheese with white truffle mayo and tater tots at MELT in the plaza of Lexington and 53rd

I ate
looking up at all those high towers of glass
wondering what it would be like to work in one
so many people know. . .

I worked for a temp agencey once
in 1998, I think
staying with JP, yeah
dressing up
going out
working for orthodox Jews in the jewelry district
yeah. . .
could I fake it and pass?
be sent into those towers of glass
to be bored to death by recycled air?

I spoke with dust while thinking this

friends are inspiring to life

I went to see a show called Closer Than Ever
with a man who has the rare experience of having a gay life and a straight life
each with limitations
of course
but it made the relationship stories of these songs poignant in a sympathetic way
sitting next to him

I didn’t feel they were singing about my experience very much
but
I got it

I walked through the city
the night air cool on my bare arms

cool for me
little one

on the train
the car I entered had only one seat open
and was quite crowded
no one took it: big fat man sitting there
I took it
telling him I’d balance on the ledge
he said "no, that’s ok. . . "
so I nuzzled back in with him
my body being enveloped by him

he was dressed boring
wasn’t a handsome face
but it made the ride so cozy

I find my sense of comfort and attraction very odd

two dapper gay fellows treated me like some famous person
pointing at me and talking to eachother and smiling shyly when I caught them

they waved as they left

I read John Waters talking about Lady Zorro and the Catholic Church as some skinny black guy got on in neon green reflective vest lettered "JESUS SAVES"
going on and on and on about how we’re all sinners and should be afraid and repent
and I was happy that various people either told him to shut up
or re-examine Jesus

I didn’t have to say anything
and plugged my earphones in to play some Bhagavad Gita
til I walked home
so tired
at 22:22
I talked with Koos again
(he must have felt me come in and called me instantly on FaceTime)

he said
just go to sleep
if you try to write or finish the chapter or anything
you will be up til four

no
of course not

no

but
yes
I can’t even say how it happened
the time just got sucked away
I got lost in all sorts of music and stories on the Internet
and here we are
6:13
may as well take the time to type it out anyway

now
can I sleep for a few hours?