34.2

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these are the clothes I wore today
made for me by a lover
given to me by a lover
"lover" pronounced "friend"
"beloved"
"family"
in gratitude

though I woke late
and forgot my dreams
I streamed down through the rain
and shared a smoke with him
then visited the gardens
where there were many people I knew
and we’re glad to see

but
like at the gathering
everyone I talked with
I found an excuse to break from quickly
to get away

and though I didn’t consider it then
was it because I was being challenged by them?
asked to be present to myself in a way that scared me?
or asked to be present to them in a way that scared me?
is that the same thing?
and does my lover’s judgements of them
as "not being good enough for me"
stand for my own as well?
not to waste my time with this?
(better to waste my time alone?
I’d rather waste it with you. . .
I’d rather make something beautiful
where do I go. . .
what do I do for that?
could any of them helped me?
maybe we were all beautiful together
yes)

these days are beautiful
and the three of us walked
to a Thai restaurant
feasted, though I did not feel like eating much
as most of the times I’ve eaten in the last two years
when I start eating
I feel it’s too much so quickly
eat slowly

we met mr kitty for the show
after sitting on planters watching men with deformed testicles bulging out their pants
hitler mustaches
and the other and old lady man returned from Florida

I pointed out the feline visage to my lion friend
and say through a show I was ready to leave a quarter into it

some of these performances are gifts
rapt attention
bending of life
beauty and pain

some are tedious tests of endurance
this was like a weak mix cd that I just wasn’t interested in

though some of it was
…fascinating

but that’s not what I meant to say:
or how I meant to say it:

hearing aids
listening in
but they took our picture

"did you love it?"
didn’t love it
"you should be in it"
I should do something good

and we walked back across
ate falafel
and taxi’d back to his house
to look at a book from the 80s on Hashish
beautiful obsessions
cuddling
cinematography
then walking across town to buy some junk food for the ride up

respond to text messages of my friends and lovers
ride the train
try and tell the tale

lost the meter today
touché

.iP