30.12

let me address a few other missed points:

in school
i was pretty miserable
not just because i had no friends
and was being beaten up all the time
but i couldn’t manage to do the “education” thing
getting good grades, silver stars for even trying, all that shit

early on, sometime, i’d been put in remedial classes for a year
with all the retards, dyslexics, autist and dorks

i remember some kid named Jessee who could hardly form words
i’d be friends with anyone who would show me the lease bit of attention, of course
so Jessee and i hung out a lot in the playground (this must have been 3rd or 4th grade)
one day
he freaked out at me and started clawing my face and ripped open my lip

shortly after that
he was sent to some other school..

i was sometimes friends with the trailer trash kids
with dirty looking skin (i guess, looking back, they were just mexican or middle eastern somehow… though they would never say that… not in Zionsville)
they had odd names like Leban and Bozzy
anyway
Like my friend Jason i used to play video games with
these kids never really became my friends
— we had too much cultural difference
theirs revolving parents devoted to beer
where as mine were more about Whiskey and Vodka
(my mom never drank: her father drank himself to death [irish!] but my dad, oh, he loved his vodka [Polish!])
plus
my family was all about rising through the great non-existant American class system
which was mostly about wasting money on bullshit that looked Rich (Ivan Illyich)
and always being in debt
PLUS
being incredibly bigoted
so i was raised… you know, hating niggers and faggots and spics and kikes and all sorts of other words i had no understanding of
just that we were better!
and they should be feared coz they would destroy our lives.. kinda like the terrorists today… or the communists..
my dad taught me to hate communists too.. and women! and myself!
anyway
it was hard to have friends

i had this whole problem with Chris’s
i made friends with this british family
a slight boy with a funny accent
very pale and weak
no one would be friends with him
Christopher

his mother made me bread pudding

and there was Chris Orr
who was terribly ugly
had no social skills
and even at a very early age
was always seen reading computer programming manuals
then Christopher Lancashire
who had a terrible stutter
and so desperately wanted to please anyone who showed him any attention

i was so lonely
and such a loser
that i was just lumped in with them

but even then
i could only tolerate them for a few months at most
then i would stop returning their calls
and start avoiding them in the halls

Some of the dorks i liked
like Wendel and Andy, the Jahova’s Witness
but still
they were so dumb and boring
that i just didn’t want to spend time with them

i was coming to understand that i had to spend time with people better than me to keep rising up through the social ladder
though i didn’t understand what trip my father was on
i was already aware i had no interest in it
i really wanted to be elegant and intelligent
i wanted 7 forks and to know when to use them
fine wines and foods

i think it was this age that i became tired with just saying “oh, it’s good! i like it!”
and wanted to be able to talk with nuance about all of my experiences
the food and music and all such things

of course
this was probably also near the time when i had decided the world of emotions was an idiotic waste of time
because it made people act crazy and impeded logic
so i started learning how to ignore my feelings…

i had had a few capable friends
Charlie, and Mike
but at this point in my life
they had moved on to be football player
or to other towns

my brother and Neil had also come to this same relationship with me:
they were embarrassed of me in public
so often made fun of me when other people were around
but were nice enough when we were alone together…

i was hovering in the netherworld of not wanting to commit to friends
less i be dragged down into the mires of their white trash
but not wanting to be alone all the time

so i had Ted
our rich fantasy world
our adventures
passing notes to eachother to see if we’d adequately read eachother’s minds
developing talismans to ward off evil and control people
magic rings and wands and capes

we’d play video games for hours
and hours
and hours
but some thing shifted that winter

it being too cold to go outside
we’d have sleepovers and spend most of our time indoors
playing video games and watching movies

(mmmm, Manequin…)

one night, i remember, another kid named PJ was there with us
we were laying in the dark
and ted grabbed my dick
which was hard
and then he grabbed PJs too
but in a slight touching kinda way
and we stabbed at eachother through the blankets
kinda like tickling eachother

it was odd…

the next time i stayed over with Ted
it was just the two of us
and i was tossing and turning
hard…
he said “are you having trouble sleeping?”
yes… at home i usually sleep naked
“oh… well, you can sleep naked here”
so i took off my underware
then he started pulling the covers off me to see me naked
so we played this game
of me trying not to be uncovered
and him grabbing at the blanket
til his hand grabbed my dick Through the blanket

silence
pause
then he started working me til i came

and that was the end of our fantasy worlds and all of our game
because for the next year
all we ever did together
was see how many times we could cum

we’d spend all night awake
video games or music playing
and constantly wanking ourselves or each other

his dick was bigger than mine
and he took longer to cum
i was so insecure

we’d steal his brother’s other porn videos
and jack off watching them
we’d lay on the bed
feverously wiping the cum off our bellies
and say “oh, that was great… but you know… i’m not gay…”
“yeah, i’m not gay either”
but we wouldn’t really talk about girls or anything

…
meanwhile
i was exceeding in Tae Kwon Do
breaking boards and bricks with my hands and feet and head
learning some Hop Kedo
how to kill someone with my bare hands in an instant

my teacher said ” i don’t want you to ever have to use any of this… when you know you can kill someone very easily in a second… you’ll never get in a fight… you just hold yourself in such a way that you know you can kill them and they will leave them alone.. don’t say it, that’s a challenge… just be it… and if they attack you, just defend yourself, never attack back.”
i understood him
but i hadn’t come to that point yet

but my mother and i were moving up the ranks
going to meets and stuff
and there was this girl named Sheridan who started coming to classes
i’d seen here around my whole school career
but hadn’t ever really talked with her
she was kinda weird looking: red hair and freckles
she was really smart

we’d talk occasionally….

ummm
this was also the year this kid David taught me how to shoplift
i was amazed

as a little kid i occasionally put stuff i wanted in my pockets in the store
not understanding it was to be paid for
and when i first got caught at that
i stopped doing it

but he showed me that if you went with a friend who served as a decoy
you could get all the candy you wanted

which was pretty great

oh yeah
back to the remedial classes:
that didn’t work
i went from being in remedial classes back to normal
always being sent to doctors to look at pictures and figure out puzzles and talk about my feelings
— i don’t remember any of this
i just remember getting the results this year
and they said that my IQ was 137: three points from being in the “Genius” range
and i had a congnitive understanding of a senior in highschool

i begged to be allowed to move forward
but… of course not
next year, however: they were putting me in the advanced classes.