30.6

perhaps it was this year my father started being away a lot
or i noticed that

there would be long periods where we wouldn’t see him
as i remember it

he was in russia
or california
or iowa
germany?

he was working for his career

i saw a special on TV about truckers who had two separate families that didn’t know about eachother
so told mother that must be what it was

she was freaking out anyway because she had no real friends
and her family was so far away: over 5 hours up in Grand Rapids
how was she to know how to raise a family all by her self?
she was in a lot of pain, something about her womb
though her teeth were perfect

there was the stereotypical “i won’t eat brussel sprouts” or beets
so having to sit at the table for ever

and perhaps this was when my brother did something “bad” so my mom decided to discipline him
and broke a green ruler over his butt. . .
he started laughing
which made her feel even more hopeless

this was the year, i think
when i was sleepwalking a lot
my mother and father were watching TV
and i came out and asked them if they’d seen the sky
— apparently i was looking for the sky
i said i went out the garage and couldn’t find the sky

i had no memory
but the telling of their story to me the next day created a rich visualization

maybe this was the year i started school
oh no, i mean First Grade
— i couldn’t do my homework for some reason

i would bring it home
and just not do it

by the end of the year
i had a brown grocery bag filled with unfinished homework

i had many meetings with my teachers and my mother to try and figure out why i wasn’t doing my work
they said i should try and get it all done over the summer
but i never did it