and then it became clear to me

i thought i had an epiphany of grand purportion while staring in the mirror
perhaps it was only something about realizing that i was so fucked up last week
because i came back from portland totally alive
breathing the life in from everywhere around me
because i’d been out in the forest
hot springs
old friends
and the terrible anywhere USA hit me hard
but not enough to close me
and back in NYC
i breathed in all the strife of the city
hadn’t closed down now
and it’s taken me a while to come back to balance
or maybe i was thinking about all this STUFF i have here
and how i’m a person interrupted
that i once was doing things
making things
thinking and feeling
on some sort of path
and something, sideswiped me (a few times; thoroughly)
and i forgot for a while
for a minute there, i . . .
and all this stuff has remnents of my discipline
perhaps i was never disciplined
and i’m still developing that
it’s all coming back to me now…
but i felt like it was some vast piece of my forgotten childhood
in effort to talk about it
my tongue completely stopped
i was struck dumb and couldn’t carry any thread of consciousness
except my fingers’ work, which knew what to do without me
until all the time ran out everywhere
then i came back again
i’ve been piecing back together
and now i’m ready for bed
hair brushed
body showered
teeth brushed
mind shaken out.