oh, the horror

i should be sleeping..
but instead
i’ve just finished the rest of RFD issue 131
i’m really waning on it
anyway
i guess i feel like posting again
this is what i thought would happen
and it’s working:
i have a place to live
.. now i can get back to my life.
i’m on the 6th day of my fast
i intend to do it for 14 days
last night i dreampt about eating
breaking my fast
a house party at someone else’s house
lots of food around me
smoking pot
all sorts of stuff
i was so drunk
that i just started eating
and that shocked when i realized what i’d done..
so i buttered some toast and shoveled it down.
then i was on a train
then i was on a dirigible
with “my two friends” (i have no idea who they were)
i realized i was riding a bit too high up
and i slid right off
into the open air
holding on to two of the nice pillows i had been laying on
falling..
falling…
(i read some articles about John Balance last night)
the pillows were kinda making me float
the guys were screaming
“FLY!”
i couldn’t figure it out (though i can often fly in dreams, i didn’t
know i was dreaming)
eventually i figured it out…
different than usual, i tapered my hands in just the right way to catch the wind
then it just felt like i was caressing the wind
and it carried me
over the hills and fields…
and this morning i felt terribly weak
i woke
i flushed
i slept
i slept
i got up
and i slept some more
and i had to finish this damned magazine
and i felt so weak and tired
and terrible
yesterday i got really irritable
and i don’t like that
but it’s part of the process…
so
at one point in the evening
i decided i needed some lemons
so went out
this time i walked to 1st avenue (for a superfluous distraction)
and noticed a store called “GRACEFULLY”
it was over on the east side of 1st avenue
which i have come to despise…
Peter Cooper Village… and Styvesant Town..
it all looks like Eastern Bloc to me
and all the shops have standardized names
it looks like strip malls in the fucking suburbs..
But Gracefully called to me
(and i was finding shitty lemons at the delis…)
so i walked in…
and around the store for about an hour.
i was so pissed i hadn’t discovered this place in the two months i’d been here
they had a million amazing icecreams
all the mochi cakes i could desire
beautiful chesses..
and Aspics!?!
chocolate corn tortillas!
cakes and baked goods and deli items…
the place was gorgeous
and over priced
but still
i would have eaten so much of this stuff
and i walked around
with a handful of lemons
staring
slowly
savouring all my options..
thinking of how i would come off the fast tomorrow
how foolish! to fast now! to fast in NYC!
i should just let myself get fat!
(it’s not that i was getting fat that bothered me.. i just felt sluggish and stuffed up.. plush i wanted to cleanse from all that shit in the first two weeks i was here… and just focus my intention.. it worked: i got my apartment on the second day of my fast)
and i mulled it over..
can i just stop fasting right now?
but wouldn’t that be disregarding the benefits of why i was doing this in the first place?
true: i love fasting
and i know it’s good for me
and it shouldn’t be suffering
and today i felt terrible!
but challenge is good
and discipline is one of the things i’m learning
indeed, i will do more fasts of different types as i live here in NYC
it is Necessary
because there is always a Gracefully of Something
everything everything everything desired
right there at my fingertips
with only the high price of compromising my intentions and integrity
Ugh…
Challenges…
well..
i only came home with Lemons
and intend to stick to it
even though the two people who said they were going to fast with me this time
backed out before we even began
that’s just the way it is sometimes
oh, events events events
am i writing about what i’m learning too? not just what i’m doing?
i’m tired
and must sleep!