i’d written my dad asking him for pictures of the wedding
and included the link to my flickr account
my dad’s reply:
–
Nick, I hope you enjoy these pictures.
In the future, Please Don’t Send Me Links To Pictures Like The Ones Behind This Reply. DAD
–
which, i assume, were the pictures of goat and eye leaning on eachother looking out over the valley
It Required All Capital Letters
—
and this morning i had a dream i talking with somone about the pet shop boys
Goat’s been telling me about all of these people dying in the last week
so in the dream
he standing behind me
telling me that one of the guys from the band died
“David Reynolds, i think his name was”
‘ you mean Chris Lowe? ‘
“No, i’m pretty sure it was David Reynolds”
— i didn’t think he was in the Pet Shop Boys, who is he anyway?
at this point
i’m laying on my belly on a bench
and he kneels down on me
laughing
he thinks it’s funny
but i’m rapidly losing air
and can’t inhale because of how heavy he is
i tell him to get off me
and he’s just laughing
so i elbow him
—
in real life
Goat has 18″ arms
they’re really fucking big
muscle
is
very
heavy
so when he’s dreaming
and throws his arm on me while we’re sleeping
it often feels like he’s crushing me
(golly, i thought Leo was heavy!)
so this is what had happened
he rolled over
put his arm on me
and i guess he had nuzzled my face into the bed somehow
i was suffocating
so i elbowed him
solar plexus
he jumped out of bed
angry and feeling attacked
and ran down stairs to work out
i kept trying to tell him it was a dream and i was sorry
but felt it didn’t help at all
we sat and talked in bed for an hour or so
and i did my best to be compassionate with him
but i just feel like an emotionally broken person
i guess he did too
we’re better now
i guess
goat said
“maybe it’s not just a dream”
and
indeed
i’m freaking out about just trying to live my life inside of someone else’s
this always happens
i don’t have any space that is Mine
its’ all inside of His
— it wears me out.