mainly
i want to highlight the beauties
not
the darkness
not the ugliness
— i am a bit obsessed with the ugliness
: the car crash, the village idiots
but what about the beauty?
the wrinkled old faces
the prototypes for a million americans
the hills, rolling multicoloured hills
spilling beer
you know
i don’t cry over spilt beer
stolen stuff
missed connections:
what happens happens
no point mourning it
is there?
perhaps i misunderstand Mourning…
maybe everything i see as beauty is ugly
thus i’m obsessed with the ugliness because it’s beautiful
i am deranged, obviously
who’s drawn up the rules?
is the earth beautiful?
the dirt and flowers and weeds?
the rocks?
the gnarled trunks of the old trees?
like the men i love
the knuckles, fingers, noses
just like those trees
the foreheads…
and that skinny guy on the bus
waving at everything
alternately
holding up his fist
kinda smiling
kinda talking
he’s in another world
his world only loosley conjucts ours
Ours.
his beautiful hair
shaggy
silver
fading to black at the roots
who are these people?
i’ve been sneezing all day
rivers of snot flowing from my nose
i’m not crying
i’m sick again
was i drained a bit?
did i waste too much of my energy again?
i’m always doing that…
the house has to be the dustiest house i’ve ever been in
so a bit of sinusitis again
as i always fall back on
something easy
to keep me sneezing
down i go
through scotland
Ivan Cutlor
stuck outside in his kilt
in the pouring rain
he calls me on the phone
only leaves a message
amazing
scottish accent
do people really speak like that?
are people really like this?
how do i see them clearly and celebrate the world
not just my criticisms?
damn me
and my judgments
i don’t want to be a monster
:”America: I can’t stand my own mind!”
discerning, yes
judgmental
well
i
got into edinburg
and was blessed
with a sexy leo
he said it was just scottish smooth skin
but i was pleased
and so was he
(days later, down in newcastle, i would come to understand that Mars in Leo means that i get off on impressing people sexually… yeah..)
still
after two times
and lulling in the luxury of hellos
i went off through the soft rain to find a sauna
Number 18
they called it
i got lost
went looking up and down the street
walked past the cottage i’d seen with Lesley
but it was deserted this day..
eventually i found it
a bit cold and wet at this point
would it be counter-productive?
i checked myself in
and before i could even get down stairs
the most beautiful and most scottish man passed me
i waited in one of the many abandoned cabins right by the lockers
and we spent nearly an hour
wrestling
tasting
teasing
kicking
kissing
massaging
the most fascinating conversation of bodies
so rare
but what everyone should experience all the time always
i decree
gorgeousness
he asked
“i wonder what attracted you to me… was it my size?”
not how he was hung
but his broad chest and big arms
‘ well yes ‘ i couldn’t lie ‘ but mainly that you’re just… so Scottish ‘
and he was.
he was
the voice
the eyes
the hair
all
so..
i was blessed
and though i imagined him some construction worker
he was a modern day working man
— the IT business
flying all over the world
NYC, Rio, London
something with computers
i uttered my URL to him
would he remember it?
are you reading this now?
i left you on that bench
and walked through the back area
finding the dark room
and hugging a warm and soft
large
chubby
muscular
scottish body
there were no words exchanged until the “thank you” at the end
though he offered me some skinny guy’s HUGE cock
i entertained it for him
but wasn’t interested
i just wanted to hug him
his size
his smaller dick didn’t bother me
i liked his softness and massiveness
while i licked him
this big dicked boy tried to fuck me
it always surprises me
in a dark room
how far people will go if you just don’t say “no”
eventually i did
but only after he started to press in..
and so large!
in the dark!
people are strange…
the big one?
after he came
i just rested with my head on his belly
he said
“thank you, it was great”
and dashed out of the room
… i didn’t hear his name
i didn’t see his face
so it was a disappointment
but before i got to do yoga
i saw an older man
(he said he was 56, but might have been older)
long curly fur all over his body
large whispy eyebrows
who took me to a smaller room for some tussling
but i was too tired
and had no energy to share at that point
though i played with him much too long
i never came that evening
i went into the sauna
and started my yoga
and he buggered off
(but what a name
i’d never heard
“callum”
he spelled it out for me)
and the yoga was good
i only got distracted for one short brake in the steam room
a beautiful man
furry belly
need i give the details?
dear reader
you know my taste
massage was my seduction
and his body was crying for attention
i gave some more energy to myself
and then felt a collapse
i walked out of the sauna HOT
the circus across the street calling me in
but i was tired
i walked back to the bar to find my beautiful leo host of the evening
we drank some more in a down stairs bar
then had pies and mash and sausage in his local bar
then went home
no DVD even
just his ex lover listening to the original cast recording of “Hair” on vinyl
(yes, vintage)
what a night.
we went to sleep around 11
and woke up around 9
rolled around a bit
got out of bed at 10
then pushed through the morning just long enough for me to leave an hour later
and catch the train to newcastle.