it started out one of those days
the curtains drawn
(though they are purple gauze.. and breathe with the wind… billowing over my bed)
waking at 9
though i’d not gone to sleep til after 2
yet again
lacking at least an hour of sleep
and good will?
and at ease…
stretching
turning
not committing to being awake
but knowing there’s no going back
what do i have to do today?
i’m going to meet up with Coco and walk the parade
CSD…
do you know that they call “Gay Pride Day” “Christopher Street Day” in germany?
only place that i know of…
strange quirks here
things picked up from AmeriKana
(in Cologne
they would lift their arm, flop their hand and say “ALOHA!” as a “gay” greeting)
…
i don’t really like gay pride parades
i never have really
and i’ve always had good excuses not to go…
in fact
i was in London for “World Pride”
and was in such a Foul mood from being at a gay bar the night before
i opted out.
but i was going to meet up with Coco…
where?
when?
i should call..
but you know: i didn’t.
i spent time with Radiohead and big fat german daddies
and organizing music files
that was nice
eating an apple
doing yoga
it was already noon
it was already one
it was already two
and really, dude
the parade started at 12:30
if you’re gonna go..
i didn’t want to: did i?
no no no
but what about seeing the gay pride in Berlin?
maybe i’ll see something?
a few days ago i was reading through journals and saw a picture of in ‘s journal
walking out of the parade towards the lense
with a big smile on his face
looking beautiful and dangerous (as he is)
and more magnanimous than i know him..
in my mind
Russ was there in this pride parade too..
he’d be walking out of the lines of muscle boys dancing to disco
and he’d embrace me
we’d be triumphant among the
.. what?
who the fuck cares anyway?
i’ve never been into gay pride
i go into the buses and suck dick
i walk on the beaches
naked
and suck dick
i suck dick on the knoll at the sanctuary
in the meadow
i make love and play with the men anywhere
and i’m gay, i guess
but not like that
disco doesn’t do a thing for me…
thump thump thump
anyway
i’m going to go be gay
so i got on my bike around 15:00 (3)
and got down to the Brandenburg gate around 15:30
… remnants of people…
two guys walking to their cars…
a group of kids on bikes..
i thought to head towards potsdamer platz…
i looked down the road
no sign of parade..
so i rode into the tiergarten…
down at the victory column
there was a gathering of some sort
so i rode my bike down there..
down down..
just vendors..
it was all in a lull..
could it possibly be over already?
well
this was over three hours..
i guess i missed it…
hmm…
i rode my bike over to the nude sunbathing place i had been days before with Coco and FireFruit
a small smattering of people
i had no sheet with me today
so i just stripped and lay down in the grass
my body quickly sheened with sweat in the harsh sun
heatwash
more yoga
a man in a wheelchair
with no legs
watched
shoulder stand
plow
fish
bridge
plow
shoulder stand
i went to take a shower
then back for standing poses
and tae kwon do stretches
the wheel chair man put down his can of beer
took off his little bag
left them in the grass
and rode over to the shower
yelled at the guy walking over to stand in the shower
who turned it on
so he could run his little electric chair through it
he giggled
and rode back over to where he’d been
someone commented to him something
he was smiling
pulling his wet shirt off of his belly..
he dashed back over
and demanded someone else turn on the water for him
this time he stayed under it a bit longer
joyous
he rode back over
and watched me
balanced on one foot
crouched
the other fully extended
said something about jesus
and somethingsomethingGerman
i told him i understand very little and speak no Deutsch
Shône Tag
shône tag…
watched watched.
tried more hand stands
couldn’t figure it out
closer though
closer
planting the hands firmly
jumping up
lifting
pushing
looking at the ground..
kinda
almost..
not really
a head stand is fine
the horizon
of the grass
…
enough
another shower
a line..
while waiting
i decided i would go pee
(this was a little swayed by the fat man walking out of the forest with what looked like a string of precum from his cock)
he
of course
followed me back in
and it wasn’t a string of precum
he was happy to show me
it was a little chain he had looped around the head, tucked under the foreskin
with two pearls dangling…
ahhh..
ahh…
shôn…
as i held his cock to look at it
it swelled…
he held mine
which did likewise
i held his balls
thinking of Tobias Schneebaum
and tribal greetings…
we walked further into the forest
and he motioned he really wanted my finger up his bum
alright
some people’s asses are just open
wet..
like i imagine vaginas are
(as i’ve been watching them a lot lately… i recently got to see a film called “Dracula” with Ron Jeremy and Roberto Malone… they really tried to make a Film of Bram Stoker’s story… but with lots of fucking in it — double insertion at one point)
so my finger just went in
he put his against my ass
which isn’t as open
but perhaps his energy opened me
he put the first knuckle in
and i felt that wonderful bottoming-out feeling
like a thump
grounding
but he wanted me up to his prostate
so i kneeled down
by now
his very thick german prick was fully sharp
so i worked that into my mouth
while i massaged the inside of his pelvis
he was very happy
and i kept at him for quite a while after he came.
after he walked away
i placed my hands on a big tree
and pumped the excess yang into it
grounding myself again
then i walked over to the shower
still a line
now
three guys were undressing specifically to shower
a thin older guy
a young cub guy
and a middle aged big fat bear
oh joy!
he got his clothes off first
and i let him go ahead of me
so i could just watch
his round belly
big thighs
perky nipples
just drank him with my eyes
the water rushing down him
the cub deferred to me
so i showered again
and went to stand in the sun
watching them
then a man..
maybe in his 60s..
dark fur all over
grey star on his chest
stripped off his while clothes
and showered
the young woman he was with (looked 20’s..)
stood in the water after him
but with her dress on
the stood nearer to me in the sun to dry a bit
and talk
was that father and daughter?
the way he’s drying his cock in front of her
they must be lovers…
or?
once again
those movies i’ve been watching
so hot…
the sun!
i put my clothes back on
and rode my bike back to the column…
i can’t believe i missed the parade…
well
better off anyway
i’ll ride to the Dom and see the big cathedral..
then just go home and rest..
but the crowd was a bit thicker
there was that man i’d just seen shower
dark hair on his back
the fur on his neck, silver…
down the long street
more filled with people
a rope over the road now
i asked some nice people to hold it up for me to ride under..
i saw a beautiful big white beard in front of a man’s head
i rode along side him
he was taking a picture of a girl in a white dress
cut short
her little legs in little white shoes
i complimented him on his beard
and decided i would try and take a picture of him
(had to get my camera out)
so i pulled over
and a police van went by me
and
Oh Shit!
here’s the parade!
i lost the big white beard in the confusion
and the street was suddenly filled with disco thumping and muscular men gyrating
and stuff and stuff..
the road packed with people
i leant my bike against a pylon and just sat there
snapping pictures of attractive men
and dress…
pretty standard gay pride parade:
huge flat being pulled by trucks with corporate logos all over them
political parties
AIDS organizations
leather men
people.
people being people.
being
a unicorn.
a troupe of Thai-s being the flag
being queens
a boy dressed somewhat like a tiger-fish/blossoming orange
yes
throngs of people
i saw a pale skinned
long haired
big bearded boy on the other side
at a gap
i rode over and asked if i could take his picture
he shook “no” and walked away
ok.
so i parked my bike. locked it.
walked around looking for Coco
it took a while
of looking for the right angle to photograph the big and the hairy
(and the brightly dressed)
and there was Coco
wearing a sports uniform top
and his red tutu
with golden tassels hanging off his cock
he’d been carrying his sign for hours:
“never forget, your identity is not for sale” (in german)
so i took it for him for a while
people’s faces lit up when they saw it
he pointed it at people
the took note…
it might have taken on a different meaning when i was holding it…
(i hadn’t worn a shirt all day)
the parade crashed into the victory column
Coco and i rushed ahead of the loud disco..
some terrible company (nivea)
had a whole fucking trailer there and hired about 20 people to hand out little bags filled with … crap
some lotion
lots of paper..
and little cans of spray deoderant
oh no!
everyone was spraying them around
it smelled terrible…
how do make a gay pride parade worse?
spray deodorant!
expensive fair food
drinks..
Coco was prepared
i wanted fruit juice
but there would be none of that
we ate some of his bean salad that he had brought
which was very nice
and people envied it
girls asked us where we got it…
he said the lesbians seemed to like his sign most..
i showed the sign to a big bear daddy who had silly bear symbols all over him
and he seemed to shake his head and wave his arms as if to push me away
but i couldn’t understand what he was saying
(fine)
a company had hired people to carry around containers of water and spray them at people
i hid my camera
and rushed through
handsome men
too many people…
heat..
i made a suggestion we go to the lawn
and Coco liked that idea
so we walked back over there
… many more people now
i quickly stripped down and stood under the shower for a while
boys everywhere
filling up a water bottle as i showered
waiting in line
naked boys everywhere
Coco didn’t want to strip
explaining it would be too much trouble to put it all back on again
a friend of his showed up
a Berliner who’d been living in London for a while
.. he was miserable there
and i think he talked with Coco for about an hour about how closed people were in London
how unhappy he was
and how miserable he was
and how lonely
yeah, i’ve been to London too: i know.
but i didn’t really want to hear about it
so i climbed the tree
i dripped with water
i did cartwheels
and took another shower
i lay down on Coco’s sarong
but that guy wouldn’t shut up about how he’d tried his best
but was still unhappy in London
London.
Yes. i know.
listening to him made me want to take a shit.
so i decided to go.
said goodbye to Coco
and headed back through the throng
well
i walked to the south field first
only a few people
quiet
my tension abated
THEN i went back up to the Column
to walk to my bike..
but get a bratwurst first
it wasn’t good
people were spraying water
(a latin boy holding the can sprays a girl
he’s doing that ghetto thing with his face
not speaking
but twisting his lips
forward with his shoulders
his body is accosting her
one hand is holding the nozzle
which is squirting water in little blurts
it is level with his other hand
which is squeezing his cock
the crowd is too thick
i walk through a haze of that deodorant shit
i push my way out
with mustard falling down my fingers
i throw away the bread
i push through the street
covered with broken glass
(the girl bleeding being carried past me
the ambulance blaring)
move onto the side walk
watch for bikes
walking
walking
there’s a guy walking towards me
carrying a medium format camera on a tripod
we make eye contact
and it’s pretty instant
his eyes say “yeah, will you?”
my eyes say ‘ yeah, of course. ‘
so we shake hands
he sets up the tripod
fiddles with the box
we talk
i’m his allen ginsberg
his name is Allan
he’s from Wisconsin
he’s using the german words he knows
he takes about five pictures
uses up his roll
i just stand there
thumbs looped in my belt
smiling
looking into the camera
i bend over backwards and smile at him
we talk about teaching
art
school
academia
Wisconsin
his friend is friendly
from Baden-Wurtzemburg
.. i’m looking forward to going back down there
there..
we hug goodbye
i walk on
where’s the bike?
once crowded among so many others
it’s now alone…
the last section of the street was all wet
huge trucks spraying it down
washing it clean
the heat…
i thought that
laying in the grass earlier to day
when did it last rain?
i ride up
under the lindens
and at Humboldt College
i stop and ride around the bears..
Paraguay sent a bear covered in astroturf
with wooden animals affixed by screws all over him
bears
i look at the bellies
the faces
bears
i ride on
stopping at a little fruit stand on Prenzlauer Allee
next to Freak Out records, where i bought my copy of The Eraser
i get two bottle of Schorle:
apple and grapefruit/lemon
(schorle is fizzy water with fruit juice)
and a weissbeir
(white beer… wheat beer)
and ride home
up the stairs
near collapse!
but i drink some grapefruit/citron schorle
and start writing
i’m so tired
i was going to call my brother and ask him what marriage meant to him..
but i’ve got a lot to write!
i mix the banana nectar (that i bought a few days ago)
with the white beer (which i was told was a traditional mix)
and sit
listening to Four Tet for a while
drinking that strange bitter/sweet concoction
writing
and sorting through radiohead on the hub
and writing
and pouring another glass
and drinking
and Four Tet
and i think i’m done
maybe i’ll get to sleep today before midnight?
Right.
(pictures tomorrow)
(Right.)