in my dream
great stuff happened
in an industrial venice
huge, wider
like a NYC Venice
a group of Radical Faggots of some sort
hijacked a city boat
was it a cargo ship?
an executive cruiser?
a public transport vessel?
lots of them bears
and i don’t think it was make-up and drag so much
as it was nudity and fucking
as the boat went through town where people could see it
it was always night
i missed the boat
i knew about it
knew where it was going
had every intention to be on it
but missed it somehow
so i caught up to it
(through some sewer-short-cut)
and got on it
just at the police arrived and arrested everyone
it seemed i was under no real threat
and told them so:
i joined them just to be arrested
(fuck you)
the city needs more of this!
— though i remember regretting missing fucking in public
———
in the dilapidated house
with the crushed white-stone drive way
underneath the full-sized van
i hid
or sat
my dad came out to talk with me
he crawled in under neath further
there was a lot of space: he could sit up
my back was outside
and it started to rain
i had a rain coat on
and a stream of water was running down my back
i didn’t want to be wet
so i edged in closer
he reached out his arms and pulled me to him
the exhaust, the under-the-car parts
something
he asked me if i would
of course
i would be glad to
and i lay on my belly
my legs getting wet in the rain
sucking his dick
— him moaning “it’s the best i ever…”
him cuming in my mouth
just moments before my mother walked out to talk with us
i swallowed
and wiped my mustache off
my dad’s blissed face blinking at her:
the rain stopped.
———–
i had to rush
catch a plane back to america:
i’ve seen this map before
how it seems simple to fly from zurich or barcelona
to alabama
or
indiana
i was staying in some commune thing
all the kids had interesting skills
there were workshops being led
— i reminded them how easy it was
really how easy it was
to get out of the country
we were in love
me and some kid
was it a boy or a girl?
she was explaining something about piano
doing things out of order
to get a more satisfactory result
but she had to go
everyone was leaving
and
again
i regretted being back in the USA again
now where am i going to next?
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
and i woke too early
my phone said 7:07
but it’s really 8 here.. i haven’t changed the time on there yet
it sounds like it’s raining
but doesn’t look like it
it’s just the ocean
sorry
the Sea
the Ionian Sea
right outside the door
yeah…
maybe i’ll have siestas here
it’s the New Moon today
not til tonight, really
but i want rest here
lots of rest in greece..
so it was a quiet day
not much to do
grey
we went down to the beach
after laying around all morning
but it wasn’t sunny enough to swim
so i got in a little kayak thing and paddles around
a deep quiet terror in me of the dark waters
what’s down there?
i saw no fish moving..
are there sharks here?
why am i so afraid?
i keep pushing myself to go out
i’m surprised at how quickly my shoulders and back and chest ache from the rowing
i get braver
and travel around the bay
interesting shadows
and plants
and rocks
and the darkness
i can’t go out too far
i’m still scared
i come back
and play with jeff a bit
the clay
conversation
we walk back up
and i rest for a bit
Jeff talks with Tasos and Pavolina
who are impressed by him being a chef
the exchange recipies
and Jeff asks if Pavolina will cook us Rabbit tomorrow
they have to check if they can get one…
we get in a long conversation about food:
Jeff says he enjoys eating at McDonald’s once a month
says it connects him with all that’s rotten in the world
makes him feel a part of the Death Culture that is predominant…
i laugh
Tasos comes up and gives us confirmation that his wife will make Rabbit for us tomorrow night for dinner
so i ask Jeff if i can tell him my two rabbit stories
he says he doesn’t want to hear them if they involve unpleasant things happening to rabbits
but i want to tell him
want to connect him with the tragedies that i carry around inside me
no McDonald’s here
he says
– i don’t want to hear it, but if it will make you happy
Ok, i will tell you about the rabbits:
i got a pet chicken when i was about 8 or so
a little fuzzy yellow thing
he would sit on my shoulder
but i put him on my brother’s sock
and he would shit..
when he grew up
i would carry him around on my shoulder
hang him by his feet
a big leggorn rooster
i called him “Eggbert”
around the same time
my sister got a rabbit
she named it “carrots”
in the old house
carrots would be let free
and she would run around the rooms
hide under the beds
cuddle up with us while we watched TV
soft bunny, little nose
but when we moved to the new house
my dad built her a box on the side of the barn
the other side of the barn from the chickens
and it was a suspended box
just hanging on the side of the barn:
she was often forgotten.
i would take care of the chickens every day
my mother and i
carrots was Kari’s…
and very often
she would ask us to feed and water her
or just forget entirely
and we’d do it because we had to..
a few years went by like this, i think
and one day
we were preparing to go on a two week trip to spend with my grandmother in Grand Rapids
my mother asked
“has anyone made sure Carrots has food and water?”
oh, i’ll do it
i went out
and usually she was glad to see me
would hop over to be pet
— i don’t remember how long it had been since i had seen her last
but as i filled her water and food dispensers
she just sat in the corner
bunny-terrified
odd
not jumpy
but breathing fast
eyes all black
Carrots… what’s wrong?
i nuzzled her nose with my knuckle
rubber he forehead
stroked her ears
and as i pet her back
her skin peeled back in my hand
exposing the flesh and bones
and maggots…
apparently a wasp had layed it’s larva in her
and they had hatched
devouring her while she was still alive.
i noticed then that it wasn’t just the usual smell of shit and piss
but also a faint rotten smell:
her fur had died and rotted off her.
we took her to a vet
and they put her down for us
they would have had to amputate two of her legs and bandage most of her skin
a year or so later
my sister had got more rabbits
and more than one rabbit
means lots of rabbits
coz they fuck like bunnies
and three became five became twenty or so by this point
it was the winter
and my father and sister had got a new dog
JR
they put him on the same side of the barn carrots had live on
but inside
the old barn
it was a great barn
i loved the history of it
strange compartments: what did they used to be for?
JR was living underneath one of the hay lofts
dad had put a water dispenser
in there
and a heat lamp to keep the puppy warm
oh, and lots of hay of course, for the puppy to make a nest in.
on this particular day
i was depressed as usual
sad about my life
sick
as i often was
i was home alone.
a man rang the front door bell
and i answered
“excuse me… your barn is on fire… i let your dog out: don’t worry… he’s ok”
What?
i ran outside
and saw big billows of black smoke coming out of JR’s room
i ran to the large sliding front door
and pulled it open
a large gust of wind sucked me in slightly:
opaque black
i backed up
and just kept on stepping back
as i saw the flame surge into life
the roof begin to melt
the tractors explode
by that time
the fire trucks had arrived
my sister and brother were home from school
and mom and dad had been called home early from their work
but what could we do?
just watch it burn..
JR was fine
running around the yard
barking like a mad man
and the barnyard on the side was big enough that the chickens could escape the flames
but the rabbits…
the rabbits didn’t get out until the fire had burned away enough of the back wall to let them escape
and then they were running around the yard
on fire
screaming.
what could we do?
as i tell this story to jeff
i was laughing hysterically
what could we do?
i don’t need to eat at McDonald’s… haven’t eaten there in over ten years, thanks.
i went back into his back room and lay down to take a nap.
this was not as deep
but it was restful
more like a waking meditation
i felt pretty lucid
just letting my body unwind and re-plenish…
when i woke
it was time to go
so we got in the car
this time i brought a CD i had made a while back..
a CD i had made for Sister Clara, actually
here she is: twice in one day
it was a surprise
i didn’t remember what was on it
the tracks bringing joy and excitement to me
“oh, i hope i put american girl on here.. oh, i did! and this is the Greek Song! how perfect!”
at Tsilivi
we got a bit lost
kinda
which way were we Supposed to go?
we went the wrong way
but i found a way
… we came into the city from behind
down the mountain into the back of town
interesting
much nicer than the front road.
we found an open spot and parked.
walked down the road back to Spartakos
that restaurant we had ate at the first day we were here.
the friendly owner isn’t here
and i’d rather not eat here again..
but jeff is set on it
so we sit down and order…
just after that
however
i excuse myself
and go running for WiFi
not finding a signal
again
i go to the internet cafe we’ve been using
again
the refuse to let me plug in
so i ask them if they know of others
they tell me there is one two blocks away
so i walk over there
and
just outside
i get a strong open signal
i stand there
and let my mail transfer
then close the book
and walk back to the restaurant
i tell jeff i notice the travel agent was open
if he’d like to go say hello to her
— he loves her
so i eat the other half of the appetizers
{tzadziki and dolmadhes}
while he hugs katrina and hears that she’s heard all about our stay thus far
little world.
our meal is amazing
i mean
the pizza is OK
but the lamb is astounding
and we get into a talk with the owner (when he returns)
about how food must be smelled first!
best to be eaten with the hands!
connected to the food!
he’s a great guy
but it’s getting dark
and i don’t want to drive in dark..
it takes a little doing
but i find that back road to leave town again
and we get home with no problem
then we borrow Tasos’s lap top to watch “Finding Neverland”
it’s one of those movies that makes me wish i had more focus
could manifest another life
another passion
Barrie came across as being so sex-less
so on another plane…
maybe he did go to neverland all the time…
after the movie
i go back to the front room on my own
and find myself desperately wishing for love
to see the face
to feel the arms
to be with the lover
wherever you are
whoever you are…
i jot these notes:
—–
so inexpressibly sad
all the time.
does the story of the rabbits put it across?
——-
and don’t know what to do
it’s really hard to get to sleep
i fight off playing solitaire or music
i just want to be with my sadness
and feel it
but i’m just in a chaos of confusion..
i don’t remember what eventually led me to sleep…