we woke early to get to the ferry
we wanted to be the first ones there!
Jeff wanted to be the first ones there..
when i went to put on my clothes
i found my choker amid my clothes from last night
it broke right on the lapis lazuli bead
though it must have just got caught in my shirt
i don’t remember that happening last night
but then.. i just passed out, didn’t remember much
this chocker was my grounding and weight… a bit of protection
oh no!
hmmm
i don’t need it
we walked down to the Rialto
and bought a day ticket for the boats
rode the 82 around the grand Canal…
Jeff saw the Hotel he stayed at with his parents when he was 13
the Hotel Principe (don’t you know)
we got off at the Tronchetto stop
— i thought that was the ferry docks..
but where are the ferry docks?
we asked around
we were led around and around
oh, just down here
to the bridge
take a right, walk over it
over there
what?
we walked and walked and walked
through the ugly industrial part of Venice
ugh
we walked a long long time
asking carabineri and other officials
where? where?
cigarettes and thick eyebrows
fine suits, the uniforms
where?
just there, that building.. past that one.. the next building, past that too, then: there.
Oh
we walked and walked
he told me this was a scene from Dumb & Dumber
about how we were the only people to ever walk to the ferry thinking we could buy a ticket there
but…
we got there
and the building was filled with the hot fat truck drivers
the italian and greek truck drivers
my fucking god
what could ever be hotter?
how he waits for a ticket
un buckles his belt
stuff his belly into his shirt
his shirt into his pants
buckles below the belly
while waiting
the thick eyebrows!
and that fucking german truck driver
wearing laced leather pants and some heavy metal shirt
fuck!
his belly
i wanted to grab everything
and jeff
his belly
his belly!
fuck
Minoan had no outside cabins, sorry
not for tomorrow
no
as Tilley said
yeah
but Anek did
and much cheaper
so we bought it
a double bed, thanks
she told us about the free shuttle bus
yeah, [fuck] Thanks.
we got on the bus
and it rode us to Piazzale Roma
great
this is where the cars come into Venice
it’s a fucking bus stop
we walked towards the canal
i bought a bratwurst
and it was good
and i laughed for eating it in venice
we crossed the bridge
and look
a beautiful little park
we walked in
found a bench
and sad down
we talked
we talked
we watched
the shade
the green
the wind
beautiful.
there was this thin oldish guy walking around and around
jeff said “is he cruising”
— the thought hadn’t occurred to me
but i looked and
“yeah, he’s cruising”
and he was
but not interesting to either of us
no
not at all
not him
but that fat guy who walked by
who was also obviously cruising
he was attractive to me
i turned to jeff and said
“i promise i won’t have sex with him”
but i wanted to see where in this tiny park there could be a sex area
Jeff said he’s never cruised before
isn’t interested in it
doesn’t know what it’s like
fuck
i love parks..
i follow the fat guy
i finding him off the last path in the back
up against the wall
pissing?
i look at him
he turns at looks at me
i wonder
he turns again
oh… Ok…
i walk up next to him
and pull out my dick to piss..
he’s hard
he’s working it
thick uncut italian daddy cock, fat head
oh shit
he looks at me
someone passes over to the left
he zips up
so, ok..
i walk around further to the back
there is a fenced off area for park workers, i guess
someone in there.
hmmm
but then i see a little opening
and thick bushes all around
i walk in there
and tuck myself against the wall
actually Under a bush
which is just my crouching height
he takes one look
walks in
walks up to me
takes out his cock
and puts it in my mouth
OH! YES! italian daddy cock!
Yes!
it’s thick and throbbing
it’s musky
it’s so nice
and he pumps my face
and i hold the shaft to hold the foreskin back
and he cums with a whimper
hardly any noise
but it’s not a large gush
more of an eeping
still
i can feel is energy merge with mine
and i’m LIT
he pulls out of my mouth
and squeezes his cock, pulling the foreskin up: another large gob of cum emerges
i snatch it with my tongue and he shudders
we smile at eachother
and i leave him there
walk around the park
Jeff is meditating
so i just walk around for a while
trying to smooth out my beard
erase any cum or sweat or ball musk
i’m a liar now
and i’ve broken our vow.
—–
we decided that fasting was a bad idea
i said we could fast for two weeks
but we’re in europe! the food is so good..
Jeff suggested we were married during our trip
what is we were monogamous and just together during our trip?
well, not during the first week, at the bear gathering: that’s insane
and in Italy and Greece… but the men are so good!
So Tasty!
same as the fasting
but i said Yes anyway
and here i am
only lasted a week… and broke it.
when i see Jeff again
when he’s done meditating
i don’t tell him
we do talk a bit about cruising
but he doesn’t ask anyway
we go walking.
a new part of town
the streets
the old churches
it’s noon
we’re sitting out side of a bar
i’m drinking beer
we’re eating sandwiches
we’ve seen them all over town
now we get our experience
: sandwiches with the crusts cut off
is this paradise or what?
it’s noon
and all the clocks are chiming
and they don’t stop
as tired as cozimoto gets
they keep on ringing
slower and slower
we head off up the street
there’s a beautiful pizza seller that jeff buys pizza from
flirting
and happily received
while i walk to the door of the big church
which is in need of repair
and is charging a €2.50 fee to get in
and fuck that shit
jeff says
i’d rather give my money to the guitarist out front:
he throws him a coin
down another canal
sure
we find an internet cafe
for €3.00 an hour
what?
the rest in this town have been about 8
the guy in there is young
frizzy curly hair
and a baby on his lap
“he’s the happiest man i’ve ever seen”
Jeff says
— you could be that happy too if you were a heterosexual
we sit and sort through shit
get numbers
look for rooms in Patras
check out other places:
Zante?
Ithaca?
hmmm
what the fuck?
Jeff needs a Siesta, he says
so i lead him back to the Vaparetto
coz it’s my last day in Venice
and i don’t want to sit around the house
i want to walk around all day
he leaves me
and i wonder where to go
my stupid lust pulls me back up the canals
to that park
i look around
no one cruising now
no one.
ok
so i go to the train station
the WC are pay-only
so
no cruising there
but how much does it cost to go to the main land?
you know, it might be a beautiful ride
it’s only €1 [and there is a sauna there]
ahmmmm
ok
so i go
i get on that train
and ride it out of the ugly industrial area
and i turn right off the train
and go to toilets
trailing a man behind me
but he doesn’t connect with me
i go in a stall
no toilet, just a hole, like in china
and eight thousand advertisements of horny men on the walls
Fuck.
wow.
i walk out the train station
and turn left
following my gut
down the street
to an internet cafe
and search: where is the sauna?
the other direction… but not far.
and i look through silverdaddies and..
fuck
email
go!
i pay the jamaican boys..
yeah
no black boys in venice, nope
jeff commented on it yesterday
hardly any in Barcelona too
having grown-up in a white-washed world.. i rarely notice that
but here in the Mestre… there are tons of black boys
hello boys
i go to the sauna
pay all my money but €3 to get in
and try and ask the boy at the desk if there are old fat married men in there
— he says it’s a mixed crowd… and Yes, there are some..
OK!
i go in
and a fat married guy comes in right behind me.
OK!
i stripp
and check the place out.
nice steam room
nice sauna
nice jacuzzi
nice cabins, sure
i walk around the dark room
and some guy accosts me
full and fast
his breath tasting like terrible artificial fruit gum
i can’t stop him from trying to kiss me
his belly button bulges
his body is skinny and hard
HIV meds
his dick his huge
he won’t stop touching me
he keeps trying to stick his fingers up my butt
STOP!
the fat married guy comes in
we play
but this asshole is in the middle of everything
keeps trying to grab my mouth and my cock and my ass
fucker: fuck OFF!
the fat guy cums
and we hug
something
i walk into the porn theater
and there is a fat old man there
70 something i imagine
he’s watching
slightly jacking off
i sit down next to him and offer him my hard cock
which he gladdly takes
and not too shortly after
i’m sucking his cock
during this
a man
i don’t know who
is feeling me all over
grabbing my cock
fingering my butt
feeling my hair
who?
is it that same asshole?
grrr
but he’s not too bad
and i stop sucking for a minute and look up:
it’s actually a pretty hot daddy
so i suck his dick a while
and look up at him and smile
which he really likes
but then he tries to sit on my cock
with no spit or anything
so it doesn’t really work…
then he gets off
and when i try to suck the old guy’s dick again
he tries to fuck me
no spit or anything
so i’m not worried he’ll actually get in
but he pulls out suddenly
and runs away
saying something in italian
i don’t know what: he flees me.
ok.
the old guy goes into a cabin with me
and i lick him and rub him and he cums
and it’s sweet
i head to the showers
the daddy is there
but he won’t look at me or play
in the steam room
he avoids me
in the sauna he flees me
he says something in italian
i say i don’t speak it
deutsche?
no
english:
“take it easy”
he goes off.
ok.
all the details
all the details
i don’t need to do it
do you want to know?
there’s a young fat italian boy
he’s hot
but he’s scared of me
he keeps watching me
but running when i try to touch him
i sit in the jacuzzi for a while
which is nice
i pet a handsome man, not my type, but nice
then a different lecherous guy gets in
ugh
i leave for the steam room
and the first lecherous guy is in there
i turn around
and he puts his dick on my back
but doesn’t try to fuck me
which surprises me
but gladdens me
what to do with all these men?
i play with the younger fat guy
now is the time, i guess
then i leave
and find that daddy again
oh good
we have a good time
he connects with me
and spends a long time giving me what he can
smoothly, calmly. thank you.
then some fat boy
he cums
wants to make me cum
but can’t: i’m not cuming today
so he cums again
then there’s there is this very furry body
but he smells bad and his body is mishapen
so i leave him quickly
then this furry thick daddy: huge dick
he’s sure i am his subordinate
makes me suck his dick for a while
that’s cool
huge dick: nice
but i’m done: i gotta go
i spent some time in the sauna
doing yoga
with an audience
in a bit of a rush:
it’s my last day in Venice: what am i doing in a fucking sauna?
i run out of there
go back to the train station
and look for a way to buy tickets
the machines won’t sell tickets for venice
FUCK!
i stand in line
which is very long
and from a window walks this guy
chubby
thick
big mustache, bigger than his trimmed beard
grey
big brown eyes
so beautiful
he looks
i look
he looks
i look
i leave the line and walk up to him
Lorenzo:
he speaks very little english
we talk
he’s not free til 8
he really likes hard sex
yeah
but i can’t wait til 8
coz if i did
i wouldn’t get back to venice til 10
and it’d be dark
and jeff would be wondering where the fuck i am
so i give him my number
take his email [and a picture of his face]
and leave
the ride back into Venice is nice, i guess
i’m feeling stupid for having lost so much of the day
the sun is obviously close to being gone..
so i feel i have to rush
rush to see the city
the city i just wanted to get lost in
(but i got lost in something else)
i got off the train and walked out
the square packed
there were four.. ummm.. “American Indians” performing
full on cerimonial gear
or
meant to look like that
war paint
leathers
huge head dresses
bells and whistles
they’re dancing
blowing their pipes..
i thought it was Peruvian’s first
their ever-present pipes..
but it’s the more round mournful song of the woof flute…
i’m happy
i’m angry
i mean
i like seeing this
but then i don’t
because they’re selling themselves to european tourists
and it’s good to make money
but to sell something that once had meaning
there it is: it’s losing its meaning
ugh
what can i do?
i don’t want to stay around
so i walk over the bridge
and map out a destination:
the point across from S. Mark’s square
i figure it out pretty easily
and walk along the canals
the ones i came up by after i left Jeff
then through a large square
through a million tourists
drop down into smaller streets
old walls
quieter
turning off
still small
but more: it’s a main road to S. Mark’s i guess
but i skip over it
there’s wisteria everywhere
it smells so sweet
back alley canals
peaceful
the maze
— i could do this for weeks with utter joy
i come out as the sun has set behind the buildings
looking back over the grand canal
the red sky
people in their boats
the vaparetto pulling up and away
i walk as close to the point as i can
taking pictures of doors…
seeing more red-wood docks
grrrrrr
kids playing on the steps of the church
kids playing..
look at all these characters
who are all these stone people?
up there
some saints
some stories
they’re all up there
hard to see
standing on their volutions
the sun is going
the sky is purple
that beautiful LA sunset
the pollution makes the sky a show…
but it’s set
and i told jeff i’d be back before dark
i hop on the vaparretto
and take it one stop
jump off on the other side of the canal
and weave my way up through the alleys
familiar to me now:
no problem
right back home.
nice: they took the scaffolding down that was at the end of the plaza on the way to our apartment
gone without a trace
… it looks so much nicer
Jeff got in pretty early
and spent the day indoors
he ate pastries
he paid his tip at last night’s restaurant
he sat around reading
smoked a bit of grass
he doesn’t remember the scaffolding
didn’t notice it was there
or that it’s gone…
i’m all set to tell him..
tell him about my day
i’m not going to avoid it
and don’t want to lie to him
— there was already separation created by the guy i sucked off in the park
a lie
so i do my lead up
and he finishes for me:
“i’m not surprised”
and like his teasing me yesterday
i feel like i’ve been set up
like he made this little pact with me just cause he knew i’d break it
in fact
every day expecting me to break it
why make it?
what were we supposed to be doing?
whatever we were supposed to be doing
we weren’t doing it
and i guess i’d rather shatter it than hang out in a facsimile of it…
this leads to a frank conversation
we talk about how we’ve been relating
and how we’re both not getting what we want and need
and how we’re both sad and distant
and we wish we could reach out more
be more open
connect more
but we’re not.
we’re not.
so there.
well, ok.
that’s good
we have our frank conversation
he’s kinda afraid of me
i’m desperate for an ideal world that will never be
and talking about it all
it dissipates the tension that’s been between us
but there is no kissing and making up
we’re not angry or sad with eachother
we’re not really going to change what we’ve been doing
we’re just going to be ourselves
and that’s great, isn’t it?
Jeff doesn’t want to go out again
we cuddle a bit
and then he heads into his sleep chamber
i start packing: gotta be ready to leave tomorrow morning
i head out into the front room and sit at the computer to write
to move music and videos around
plug in the ipod to charge
and it’s loading about 2000 pictures on it it
Oh…
— i hadn’t copied pictures from my camera to my hard drive since we’d been here
and i actually used up my 1GB card today
so i moved all of that to the computer
waiting..
hmm
maybe i should go see Lorenzo back at the Mestre…?
i flip a coin
and it says yes.
i call text him
don’t hear back
forty minutes later
it’s nearly 23hrs
i call him
i want him to drive in and meet me at the Piazzale Roma
he’s sorry, he has no car tonight
he tries to convince me it’s no problem
that i can come out by train
and there are plenty going back
ok…
Ok..
so i boot up
and head out the door
a last night in Venice
Hello Venice.
i turn out of our alley
and immediately there are two lost tourists by my side
i ask them if they’re trying to get to the Rialto
and give them directions
— this city is a maze
and they don’t really understand
(though they are americans)
so i just tell them to follow me
and i walk slow
they ask where something might still be open to eat..
so i get them to the merchant street
and point them either direction
but suggest being closer to S. Mark’s…
a man and a woman
the woman is darkish skinned
the man
blond and corn-fed.
they ask if i live here
“no, but i have been traveling for ten years… so i pick up cities really quickly.. it’s a necessity”
wow
they ask me for the {short version} history of my life
wow
they’re living in Ohio now! Cincinnati!
wow!
where’s my three favourite countries and why?
tourism is great.
it really is
it makes you interested in everything
but being an item of tourism feels kinda weird..
it’s happened to me many times
but i answer them:
Mongolia — because it’s different than any place in more ways than anywhere else i’ve been
Peru — because being around the ruins of a culture that’s totally lost was fascinating to me
and Switzerland — because it’s beautiful and clean and low on drama
wow
thanks!
have a good night!
you too!
they turn left
i turn right
and head to the vaparetto
right on time
i skip on the boat
and it pulls off
watching the city float by at night
a different city
a saturday night
the lights
the fat men on the boat
there are so many fat men on this boat!
sweaty!
talking in languages i don’t understand
playing with their cellphones
not with me
i get off at the train station
and go to check the schedules
it’s infuriating
: they don’t have times anywhere i can see for the trains to and from the Mestre..
eventually i find them
and the last one back is at 1 something
which means
RIGHT after i got there i’d have to turn around and come back
i call him
and he assures me there are busses running late
but he also said that about the trains
so i head over to the piazzale roma
and look around
there is a bus heading to the mestre
and it is literally crammed with people
fuck that
but i eventually pin down a bus driver
and he tells me the last bus is at 3 or something
something
i don’t know if i mentioned
but i’m doing this all in italian
and my spanish is weak
my italian is fucking tissue paper
also
all my conversations with Lorenzo have been in italian
so i call him again
and he’s tired of trying to communicate
so he just hangs up after i tell him i’m not coming
ok.
so where?
i walk down
follow that same route i took earlier today
by the canals
through the small streets
this time
following the newer big wooden bridge over towards s.marks
and through alleys
to the garden
that cruising area
sure
by the garden
sure
i sit down
and i roll a cigarette
and i watch the couples pass
heterosexual
i see no cruising
that’s fine
i’ll smoke my cigarette
and walk home
drunk tourists
fag
total fag man
he is walking by
he catches my eye
struts past
then turns around and asks me for fire
yeah
i light another of those dangerous matches i’ve burned myself on more than once
he sits next to me
Gianni
from that island we’d been staying on
his hands are rough
— a farmer’s boy
he only speaks italian too
and he’s smiling
he’s laying his head on my shoulder
we see some other gay guys
guys i’m more interested in than he, really
but now he’s glommed onto me
and he takes me by the hand
saying he’s taking me somewhere else
ok
we walk through alleys
some gay boy follows us
at the end of a water-street
a boat rushes by as he’s buttoning down his fly
the boy behind us
he grabs my hand and pulls me faster
farther
deeper
into an alley that ends right at someone’s door
motion lights
a party going on elsewhere
he’s kissing me
the kiss of the hopeful
the kiss of the anyone
sticking his tongue down my throat
his rough shaved face biting my lips
he’s playing out his story
he’s pushing up against me
on me
he cums on the wall
i fake an orgasm
and he gives me tissues
he wipes himself clean
i stuff the towelette into my pants
he drops all of his waste on the ground
i snatch them up:
“don’t leave evidence: it pisses people off”
throw it away on the walk out of the alley
we wave goodbye at an intersection:
his prominent front teeth catching the lights as he smiles
so i walk
past the guys selling knock-off bags
the only black boys in town
i turn down the wrong street
and end back at the water
at some gondolier’s docks
i jump from one to another
over the night water
and pull myself up along a support
balancing off the balustrade of some ancient building under construction
i stick my head through the torn fabric wondering if i can then jump to the next dock and be back on the sidewalk
… but people have made a nest here
oh,
hello people.
i walk back the way i came
over old marble
up the street
round the corner
down the next
long walk
but now this one is all blocked off by some restaurant
and i can’t pass it
tuxcedo’d waiters
errrr
alright.
i walk up the next
continuing through saint mark’s square at night
why not
look at it
all the colors
the people
sure
walk back towards the water
some drunk american boys yells out
“whao! i just saw Jim Morrison… was that Jim Morrison?”
maybe i’ll catch the vaparetto
maybe i’ll…
now that’s what i’m talking about
in the dim light
a stocky guy with a shaved head and a goatee
denim
oh yeah
(laughing at myself)
so i sidle up to him to have a chat
he’s lived here 30 years
though originally from somewhere near Bologna
now works in the university as an archivist
–how many boys in the world?
i’m tired
it’s late
i convince him to walk with me while we talk
not sure if this is going to be sexual
he’s actually not very handsome in brighter light
and i can tell he’s a bottom with no dick
i’m really tired.
but we walk all along the quayside
towards that crazy park at the bottom of the city…
he lives in the part of the city that’s not on the tourist maps.
we walk up some large wide street
definitely a newer part of town
walk over a long wooden bridge
all water everywhere…
he tells me about the park
national art pavilions there
about this water
the arsenal
where the used to build ships
they created this island because they would retreat here from the barbarians
it made them feel safer
safer…
and then it became a unique point for tourism
so it expanded..
but tourism sucks the life out of places…
the world used to have specific reasons for being:
trade, industry, skill…
now everywhere is anywhere
and what motivates most of the money exchange is tourism
but what you’re selling is the uniqueness that people lack in their every day lives of uniformity
… when he came here 30 years ago
Venice was still a city
with Venicians
living in a venician style
real stores for real people with a real community
now they’ve mostly disappeared…
and his house
it’s some non-descript apartment building
that could be anywhere
we walk up
exaggeratedly quiet
he gives me some water
i go to the toilet to wash off my dick
and take a piss
there isn’t much else to do or say
we go to the bedroom
his body is pretty shapeless
he has little passion
he just lies back
i go back and grab my condom
and give him what he thinks he’s needing
fake another orgasm
and then hold onto his flaccid dick
and work it til he’s spurting
then i take a shower
and say good night
he describes to me how to get home
i’m not worried
i’ll figure it out..
i walk out
drinking from every water fountain i pass
as i had seen him do on the walk to the house
it’s nice
but soon
i am hopelessly lost
i followed our path back for a while
taking night pictures on the beautiful big bridge
then turning off
thinking i’m going the right direction
but after a while
my compass just confuses me
and a cat is following me
talking to me
maybe he’s guiding me?
maybe he just wants attention:
there are cats all over this town
leaning against a railing
the cat jumps up and onto me
walking on my arms down to my crossed legs
pet pet pet
dear…
i walk back
connect
move on
find myself on the map
Ok
but keep still getting lost
still
it’s interesting
the old wall of the arsenal..
and when i get to the front gate of it
huge
beautiful
open space in all the tightness
viewed only from a distance
wow
i wish i could see this in the day
this bridge is amazing
comes up to a point
easily the steepest i’ve been on since i’ve been here
.. so high for the boats to pass under..
it’s a long long long walk home
and i’ve been walking all day
and my legs are fucking worn out
but i get there alright
tweak a few more things on the computer
jeff is still asleep in his chamber
i’m exhausted
so i put myself to bed:
not going to make in into any churches tomorrow morning as i’d hoped
i’ve just got to wake in time to make it to the ferry…