wake up early to get things done
but before you leave
you have to decide where you’re going
this guy really wants you to fuck him
his name is “culomuygordo”
that’s all i know
a picture of his big fat ass
and my abject lonliness
i crawl around in my confusion in bed
not desperate today
not panicked
just wondering what the fuck to do?
i could catch a ride to Barcelona and hang out there
it’s nice
free place
enjoy the town before the whirlwind of Bearcelona..
on the other hand
i really enjoyed my time in Granada
and would like to see another interesting small town
and whatever
the whole reason i worked so much and saved money
was so i could travel differently than i had in the past
why not spend the money and get a room in a small town?
should i leave today instead of staying another night in Madrid?
fuck going to Lisbon: that’s insane.
but i haven’t sat and written in my journal yet
which is something i really want to do
and i haven’t even sorted through all the open windows:
the computer really needs to be updated and restarted
it’s lagging
i’m lagging
where am i going?
i could go Cadiz
that would be nice
i don’t really have contacts there
some leads
but i don’t count on them
i could go back to Malaga… there are people there i didn’t meet while i was there
dumb me
i didn’t check my resources
i was so fucked up down there…
damn…
but it’s Holy Week
starting tomorrow
and i’d like to see some of the craziness…
i should
anyway
i like andalucia
and …
i may as well
stop thinking, dominic: decide.
so:
i’m going to Cadiz.
tomorrow
today i’ll go fuck this guy. change some money.
finish sorting through my files and open windows
rebirth my computer
and leave tomorrow in the morning
spend the day in Seviila
arrive in Cadiz at night
rent a room for a few days
and head back to Barcelona
travel all day wednesday.
fine.
OK.
so i go out
the banks are all closed
those hours i saw yesterday
are only for the off season: banks not open on the weekend.
ok
maybe that’s just the big banks on the main street?
it doesn’t matter
right now i have to go fuck that random
he wants me
i want them if they want me
you know
a few SMS back and forth
he’s on the other side of the block from where i’m staying
he’s italian
living here a few years
here for work
i won’t go into it too much
it’s not interesting
i try and get into it
but
he’s just a bottom
and relates to me Zero
gets himself off
but i don’t
we sit and chat for a while
i take a shower
and head back out in the street
looking for a change…
i walk around the neighborhood looking for a local small bank
but they’re all closed too…
and there’s an excellent cheese store
but i have no cash right now
hmmmm
none but american dollars
ok
i walk around and around
and find nothing
but some things i’d like to buy
well, i actually had €4 left
so i bought a fresh juice
which was pretty fucking good
i’m drinking that
while i walk around
and find the local money exchange place
.79
best rate i’ve seen
by a long shot (others were .72)
no commission
OK. i’ll take it.
get €238 for $300
ung…
then head out down the street
Infantes
i’m going to go see if the Falafel King is open
have a noon time cordero kabap
but instead
i see a Friedel walking down the street up the block
coming off Fuencarral
he’s round, has a sweater on
thick black rimmed glasses
bright white beard with some brown streaks still in the cheeks
very cute
doesn’t make eye contact with me
i walk past Hortaleza to just get a better look at him
so then have to double back to check the Falafel King
at the corner
we intersect
though he doesn’t look at me
i turn and say to him
“great beard”
“barba” he says
“y tu tambien. tu barba es muy guapo”
and then we’re talking
we’re stopped on the side walk and talking
and i’m having my first conversation in spanish
completely in spanish
he speaks no english
and
suddenly
i have the motivation to stick it out and figure it out
it kinda hurts my brain
the tenses i don’t understand
the vocabulary i’m lacking
but
i gotta communicate with this guy..
yeah
he’s from Cadiz
he says
Really?
i say
i’m going there tomorrow…
he’ll be back on monday
and i’m welcome to stay at his house
Really?
i say
Yes.
his name is Luis
are you staying at a Hostal here?
he says
Yes, i say
i can’t have people back to my room
neither can i
he says
let’s have a café
we walk across the street
but it’s full
no chairs
no mesa
ok.
so let’s go for a walk
up the street
we struggle through the chatter
he’s gotta meet friends in an hour and a half anyway
we exchange numbers
his name is Luis
we kiss and hug
we walk
i ask him where he’s staying
and in the confusion of communication
i tell him i am staying at the Hostel Son Soles
he says
how did you know i was staying there?
oh.. you too?
Yes!
Yes.
well, i bet we can get into eachothers’ rooms if we are BOTH staying there
and we can
so we do.
and not only is he cute with clothes on
he’s very cute with them off
and he talks to me
saying things i don’t understand
but as time moves on
i understand
“making love”
he’s saying
so i realize we are
and i’m so thankful
it’s been sorely lacking the last few days
we have excellent connection
he’s a pisces
thanks
he is late for his lunch meeting with his friends
i go back to my room
to finish shit off
and write.
it takes a while
i wanted a siesta
i wanted a Cordero
(it was closed when i was out before)
but i just sit at the computer for 9 hours or something
going through messages
saving pictures
organizing data
realizing i had missed connections in Malaga
all sorts of things
fuck
but wow
am i so very thankful and feel better.
around 10 i tell myself i have to go now
get something to eat
have a beer at the bar
come back
read the rest of the windows i have open
(journals)
and then sleep
but it’s one thing after another
and i don’t want to wear my clean clothes and have them smell like smoke
do i really want to go to the bar?
i have to take a shower
blarrr!
i take a shower
put on the dirty smoky clothes
and leave around 11
get a Kebap
and
yet again
as always
it’s SO FUCKING GOOD!
amazing
how good the bread is. the lettuce. the tomato
and the Lamb!
SO FUCKING GOOD!
and the people there love me
i love them too
the place is full
but they offer to let me sit at the counter where they are eating so i don’t have to stand up
but i say
No, it’s alright, i want to go sit in the square and watch people while i eat
there is no convincing them
so when they give it to me on a plate and insist i sit
i thank them
and start to walk out
but i’m stopped
by an american kid
he says
Where ya from?
oh Yeah? i’m from Kentucky.
Cool.
Yeah?
we start talking
i tell him my intentions about the square, not wanting to stand in the full restaurant
we go walking
and talking
instantly i fall into
dominic the story teller
and he’s listening
and he’s interested
he’s perceptive
he has good stuff to say
and he listens well
he reminds me about compassion and tradition
he’s Jewish
and i mourn my empty childhood yet again
yeah, Kentucky
but
lived in Salamanca for a year when he was 8
he’s 18.
wow.
what are we doing?
i don’t question it much
fuck it
i don’t need to go back into the gay bar
is this kid gay?
i offer to buy him a bear over at the international place
the Grimbergen that i’d seen in Burgos and didn’t get to try
they have it here
and it’s surprising:
rich but light
very good
we drink it out of a glass
it’s apparent he doesn’t drink beer much
or hasn’t
and is surprised by the taste
enjoys it
and is happy to drink beer out of the big fancy glasses
we have good conversations
but sitting out on the square
homeless people approach us and ask and ask and ask
they tell us their stories
he speaks better spanish that i do
i don’t know his name yet.
he’s really cute
really sweet
i don’t know if he’s hitting on me
i don’t think he has that in him
maybe the new generation of gay kids won’t have that sex-predator thing as part of their gay identity?
maybe he’s just curious about me
he asks me questions
i talk and talk
it’s something i do well: talking
i talk about places i’ve been
things i think and feel
i talk about what i think about the Jewish culture
tell him about my chassidic friend in london
he’s interested
there’s lots of things he doesn’t know
he’s really gotta pee
i guess there’s fake spiders in all the urinals in Chueca
maybe in the straight places
i haven’t seen them
he wonders why so many straight people like coming to the gay area of town…
i mention that beer is a Diuretic
he says “what? i’ve never heard that word”
Diuretic, like tea, coffee, caffine.. even chocolate
some of the herbs used to make beer
diuretic
Oh.
yet when we were in the square earlier he amazed me with the exactitude of his perceptions about the kids hanging out there
“they’re not spanish”
— i think they’re south american
“maybe… that girl looks like she’s from Honduras… those kids could be guatamalitan…
they look very asian… those over there are probably north african”
Moroccan?
“no, not moroccan..
they look like they could be from… paraguay..?”
he struggles for the word he’s looking for
knowing that’s the wrong one
but how would he know?
maybe his parents moved him to there places while he was growing up
he doesn’t understand the stuckness of the midwest
but he does really appreciate the ocean
and he’s here for school
in madrid
he’s heading back to the US June first..
‘ my birthday ‘
i say
“mine is the second”
he says
and smiles.
cutting back
we walk out of the toilets
across the square
and we suffer through one of those long european homeless stories
they work harder than the homeless in the US
they tell ya long stories
a lot of times i just walk away from them when they start
even if they yell at me
i learned that in amsterdam
coz when they tell you a long story
they want a lot of money
20 bucks. 40. 50. shit like that
this guy needs a room at a hostel
but of course it’s in another neighborhood
coz he doesn’t have docments
blah blah blah
but the kid is making a point of paying attention to all the homeless people
and try and patiently listen to them
which i respect where he’s at
so i stand and listen
when it comes time for us to pay the guy
i let him know that i have no income here in europe and can’t feel good about giving him money
the kid says “yeah, i’m a student, sorry.. i could give you an email for a place you could teach english”
the guy says he’s gotta sleep somewhere tonight
sorry.
but if you give your energy to everyone who asks for it
everyone who needs … not your energy, but ANY energy
you won’t have any left for yourself
he understand this
it’s good
i feel like i’m Rabbi dominic
and like any good teacher
i’m learning things while i’m teaching
and i’m learning things from him
he’s really nice
he wants to come up to my room with me
it’s cold outside
i tell him he can’t come into my room
the guy at the desk tonight i’ve never seen before
he isn’t friendly toward the kid
we sit on the couch
and the conversation stops coz the TV is on
he’s got the same Gemini problem i have with TVs
and the funny thing is
there’s a TV on the TV
flipping out about something in spanish
she’s making a big deal
i say
do you think she’s a tranny?
what’s that? he says
all i know is she has huge tits
i explain what a tranny is
and tell him to note how she’s dressed
she looks like a drag queen
a caricature of a woman, not a real woman
the over stuffled lips, too red
the gaudy ear rings
too much makeup on the eyes
and dress cut to show off her breasts
breasts that don’t look real, even
this girl has paid a lot of money to be a girl
he doesn’t see it, he thinks she’s real
but look at how defensive she is, what a drama queen she is…
then it says it on the bottom of the screen
and he says
“wow”
he didn’t even know they existed.
i’ve popped a few of his cherries tonight
and is now the time we kiss?
he’s gotta catch the last metro
which stops about 1:30, he tells me
it’s time for him to go
but he doesn’t want to go
what’s your name?
we didn’t know til know
it’s hard to say goodbye
coz when are we going to see eachother again?
we could be such good friends
i give him my email
we can keep in touch.
we hug
it’s hard for him to leave
we hug again
good night!
i go back to my room
and i can’t finish reading stuff
it’s almost 2
and i’m really tired
where’s Luis?
i sms him
and don’t hear back from him
i go to his door
and don’t hear him snoring…
where is he?
that’s alright
i need to sleep.
i save the text of the things i want to read
shut every program down
and run the updater
as i’m packing and moving things around a bit
but i’m too fucking tired
and when the update has finished
i shut it down
and
go to sleep pretty easily