i can’t
sometimes
get the day started
it’s 10
it’s 11
i can’t get out of bed
is it that i feel there is no reason to?
i’m just lying around.
and when i’m up
what am i doing?
i’m looking for friedel on the internet
— somewhere there’s a lover
no
there’s the silverdaddies
i’m hard
i’m half-harded
masturbating
oh
just kinda
there’s gotta be something
some spice
some fire
i’m riding the trains looking for matt baines…
no
i’m showering
i’m dressed
i’m eating breakfast with Leo
it’s noon.
we’re back at the computer
we’re looking for the ferry crossing information
we’re faxing documents
we’re getting things done
and doing our best to pay €40 a night in Prague
out the door
getting things done
U2 to Zoo Station
to buy our tickets to Prague
stop over in Dresden
see some death
see some rubble, honey
on the s-bahn
down town
to walk through the falling snow
along the river
back to the Pergamon
wow…
a huge museum
no paintings, no
just stuff taken from around the world
ancient cultures
things that have no context in modern germany
what the fuck are these things doing here?
i feel so strange
after being at Machu Picchu
seeing ancient culture
in its place
history
time
carrying through in place
existence
this museum seems so strange
nothing in context
what is all this shit doing here?
i’m looking for magic
but everything is discovered
no mystery
just some perversion
some fascination
i’m looking at the faces
the little idols….
my phone captures a few
what am i here for?
we leave after an hour and a half
walk to the Under the Lindens street
walk through the construction..
so strange
this city
such a grand history
now
so much space
space for waiting
some hopeful future grandeur…
and i know kids paying €150 a month here!
fabulous
what am i doing here?
we walk down
past the British Embassy
which
in its drama bullshit
has closed the street to protect it from terrorists
damnit
here’s our story
everyone has to be involved
everyone has to drive around
we’re so scared
so scared
begging someone will care enough to drop the bomb
poor england
poor U.S.
us.
we walk to a food bar
get some soup, sausage
round the corner to the Gate Sauna (right by the Brandenburg Gate, that is)
nice
we’re checking in the same time as a cute chubby guy
63, the same name as Leo’s dead friend
yeah
sweetie
from Stuttgart
the place that guy i fell in love with is
Rudi
that place
and he’s a doctor
Neurology and Psychiatry
yeah!
he makes little squeels of joy when i touch him
licking him
squeezing him
his big round body
barrel chest
thick uncut cock
he’s a dear
we’re playing in the steam room
he takes me down stairs
into a cabin
he makes such noises!
i love enthusiasm
and that fatherly love
he’s holding my head against his chest
i miss all my lovers
i miss the lover in myself
there’s a part of me that wants to cry
but i’m squirming
i’m pushing into him
he’s holding me
we sit in the bar
drink a fizzy water with lemon
and i walk back into the steam room
and he finds me
and we’re having fun together
but it’s time for him to go
you know
he’s married
he doesn’t use computers
i’ll never see him again
unless the world pulls us that way
that’s ok
ok.
good night
what do i do now?
i walk around down stairs
and get attatcked by a vampire
the cold draw of his desperate skin
no
i’m in the sauna
i’m sweating
i’m stretching
i’m feeling for something
i’m open
i’m surprised
but there i am: so lucky
thanks.
but the excitement has to go on
there has to be more crammed darkness in the steam room
there has to be thicker, longer cocks
filling my throat
there has to be a fat boy who doesn’t really like or want me
but needs something
there has to be something
and i’m tired
where’s Leo?
he’s downstairs
had a good cum
i’m waiting for him to dry
we’re out the door
back in the snow
the snow
the snowing
still coming down
back on the S bahn
change over at Potsdamer platz
U2
home.
later by a few hours than we thought
Dieter is alright with it
time to go get dinner
but first
the dog must pee on my side of the bed
Ok
and other dog must jump on me and hump me
must try and fuck me
ok
i take a vitamin
i eat some chocolate
ok
let’s go get dinner
Friedel will meet us there (because he got in a fight with his wife)
there is always a smile for a loved one.
there, at the americana-kitsch rest stop restaurant
right inside the door
is a table filled with people laughing and having fun
and
oh look at that handsome daddy
another beautiful married man..
or is that my friend Sam?
we sit at the bar
we’ll have to wait a while for a table
it’s a busy night
and is that Sam?
i take off my coat
and i’m waiting
but is that Sam?
it is.
he called me in the museum today to tell me if we didn’t meet right then we might not have time…
Sam
who used the name on line “WildAndFree”
an american who’s lived here for 30 years… from TX once upon a time
but when i contacted him to tell him i was finally coming to Berlin
he said “oh it is nice to hear from you, but i have a partner now”
like Dieter staying that to Leo when we arrived
“i have a lover now”
and look at these lovers!
i’m hugging Sam at the table
he introduces me to Mario
and i get to watch them through the night
Sam would wink at me
but he’s sitting next to Mario
and he’s in love
and Friedel and Dieter
they kiss eachother
they touch eachother
they laugh
they smile at eachother
Leo and i
what happened to us?
he says: i’ve tried to teach you:
too many rings around Rosie will never get Rosie a ring.
he says: Jenny made her mind up
so she went out and got herself a husband
trouble was
he wasn’t hers.
Leo
the loneliness of popularity.
yeah
you all love us
and how do we love eachother
like dogs
we bite at eachother
i kiss his squishy face
i kiss his hands
he crushes mine
we’re playing
playing at being in love
i don’t know what it feels like
i eat bread and potatoes
i eat dinner (til the hunger’s gone)
yeah
i have pop songs about this
but it’s not a night for staying out late
sure
it’s friday
and we could be slutting it up
but haven’t we had enough?
yeah
we’re home now
it’s just after midnight
let’s just go to sleep
“sleep now and
dream of love
because it’s the closest you will get
to love”
he’s snoring lightly by my side
i’m typing furiously
devendra bahnhart frantically saying
“i understand now”
but it’s about being a White Reggae Troll
it’s about being from Africa (we all came from ya)
i’ll pretend something about yesterday
i’m going to sleep