black tulip morning
juan carlos tajes
jacob hooij
steffan
hans man in’t veld
sic
…
while sleeping in the leather hotel
white sheets
leather cover
i had a dream
i was dressed all in Leather
reached up with my left hand
and with my right holding scissors
just started cutting my hair
after the second or third chunk i thought
— oh shit… now i have to cut all my hair or this will look stupid… why did i start doing this? —
every few years or so i have these dreams
accidentally cutting my hair so having to cut it all dreams
strange.
i woke up
groggy…
quietly going to drink water
piss
get my clothes on
write down my email address for this big sexy daddy bear
he woke up
and i told him i had to meet a friend or i would stay to suck him off
he said that’s OK
but i saw he had a hardon…
… so i HAD to!
it was fun
and didn’t take too long
but i didn’t cum: i had to go to meet my friend Juan Carlos
beautiful morning
the snow on everything
the sun in the canals
i stopped and took some pictures…
walked to Juan’s place
and he let me in
i could feel something wrong with my body
like a hangover?
talking with Juan
making tea
laying down
tired
Juan smoking hash
taking me into his hall by his bed room
dropping his pants
urugauy
praise
big balls haven’t been emptied for a while
thick cock, long foreskin
he massages my body as i suck him
good
he could cum a thousand times
i would love it
as i always have
then
like always
door bell
he tells me to go hide in the bathroom and put my clothes on
i sit and wait for her to leave…
we talk
i’m very tired now
didn’t cum yet
but
spacey..
gotta go
i help him load his art onto his scooter:
his hips are all fucked up and he has to ride a scooter through town
poor guy
but he’s not poor
he’s a Leo and he’s got his pride
and he does it with grace and style and a smile
i love him
he’s beautiful
off we go into the city
i walk through the red light district
most windows empty
up the NieweMarkt
up to Jacob Hooij, the oldest Herb dealer in Amsterdam
not weed… but medicinal plants..
i ask them for Homeopathics
they got them
but don’t know the one i want my its american abbreviation
only by the full latin name
Kalipurnum Bichronium
or something
for sinus infections
which
by now
i’m sure i have pretty full blown
damn it.
from there
i walk up to the rembrantplien
and catch a tram up to the TroopenMuseum to meet up with Steffen and Leo
which i’ve found out
Leo was out with Steffan til 4am
and they decided they liked eachother
so went home together
when i got there
Steffan was wearing a singlet and i felt like shit…
i talked my friend Hans into meeting us up there
and we all went to the Green Elephant to meet for drinks and talks..
it was mostly Hans and i Catching up…
he’s the guy who gave me his apartment when i lived here three years ago
i lived in his space for three months while he was off doing other things…
he teaches Theater all over
we had good conversations..
he was excited and amazed that i had befriended my father again…
— yet again, a marker of how i’ve grown
he ordred me Bitterballen and some BaerenBerg
the bitterballen are fried balls of…. cow udders..
yum.
maybe that’s what pushed me over the edge?
i was feeling like total shit by the time he had to leave at 17:00
though steffan offered i could stay there
i went home with Leo
and went directly to bed
passed out
which began about 24 hours in bed sweating
hallucinating
snott pouring out of my nose
all sorts of messages from my body:
health lies in the jaw
keep it relaxed always!
like nazis running my body
pushing me around
i kept turning over and over
burning
burning
Leo went out to meet someone
i woke around 8pm and called Marcel
who was pissed i didn’t call him before
— we were supposed to meet for a massage… again
sorry
sorry
sorry
back to sleep