gardening and gay life

admittedly
i’ve done precious little since returning to NYC than masturbate
i’m trying to break the habit
but i feel it’s tied intrinsically with my burgeoning anti-social character…
today
i had planned to do to very social things:
attend a ritual in central park for the solstice
and meet up with friends for “Folsom Street East”
Neither accomplished.
i woke up late
[didn’t go to sleep til 3 last night…
the client i had got me stoned…
and i’ve been wanting to get stoned
it’s been a while
it was very good for me
i praised Shiva
i went down christopher street
i could not go in the bar…
i lay on the lawn
and did yoga
High
so good for me
but i scared all the kids down there
.. i was a little freaked out: i was the only white kid there..
anyway
it took me a while to get back to the house
and when i did
Ganapati came over
and i made a neckalace for myself
we talked
and achieved another First for him
then i needed to pass out… anyway]
i lounged around
by the time i was ready to leave
it was already past 11
and this guy had been calling me
i just let him come over
skipped central park (it was over at 12)
then went to head up to the bronx
but decided to buy an iPod Shuffle first
it was a run-around
but i eventually succeded
and am now the proud owner of a Gig Fragment of my music collection.
i got to the garden about 3:40
and J had been there an hour
zhe had nearly finished the other wall on the rock bed i had started
… and had been weeding when i arrived
had to leave shortly after i got there
i found myself mean and critical… judgemental
but
of course
i didn’t express it
just felt it, thought it.
when i was alone
i got down to work
fully aware
that if i didn’t leave by 6pm
i’d miss the entire street fair
surely enough
N called me asking me where i was about a quarter to 6
and i just didn’t didn’t feel like going down..
i wanted to see him
but i didn’t want to hang out among the leather guys and vendors…
errrrrrrr
i just can’t right now
don’t want to go to sex parties or bars or street fares or parades…
i’m feeling very cut off from gay culture
yet
on that note
i’ve been having more male to male sex than i’ve probably every had in my life
i feel like i’ve been cumming two to three times a day
steadily
if not from sexual interaction
then from masturbation
— frustrated
coz i don’t want to masturbate: i want to co-create
and i’m not here in NYC to lock myself up in my room with a computer
to garden
alone..
Ugh
i feel inept at relationships…
Yet
the gardening is so good for me
to heave
haul
move the dirt
mix
get my fingers cut up
scrapped
in the dirt
tilling it with fingers
ripping shit up
making it peaceful
making it home
making it grow
taking care
tending…
grow grow!
seeing it grow.
very good.
and every time i’m up there working
many many people stop and comment on how great it looks
and talk to me about it
and wish they could help with me
love it
shower me with blessings of appreciation!
it’s good.
it’s good for me
it’s good for the community.
it’s good for the earth
it’s good for the school
the kids
my friends
the plants…
i’m good for all this
and myself
i’m good.
it’s good.
i’m really glad.
Anyway.
i’m leaving
i got to get to sleep
i’m leaving tomorrow morning
heading to Florida
yeah
flight 69
jet blue
to Orlando
Yeah.
well, what?
Celebration of Friends
mmm
cuddling with some known friends
others?
surely..
surely days out at the beach
nude beach!
haulover!
naked
warm sea water
so blue
melt
tan
burn
through….
Yeah
and hopefully a hike in the everglades
yeah
chasing gators
maybe find myself a husband of one of them
or an orchid
go live in a swamp
in a tree
hmmmm
but first: Sleep.