thank you for the rain, daddy

so
after that last post
i stopped seething
and started talking
it was long and convoluted
but it came down to this:
he really had no intentions of doing what we’d talked about doing.

simliar to going to get the HIV test
he just said shit to make me happy
he was just lonely
and needed someone around.
he hates white people, though
he’s stoned all the time
and living in denile about many things:
this is human life
but
thank you
i don’t need to get mixed up in that karma:
–= i went out walking.
on my walk i listened to the arcade fire
i walked through the rain
to the eagle
i was sad and angry
but it was dissapating in the rain.
line and cover at the Eagle
but a familiar face was working the door
and when i entered
there were friends all over the places
there was lots of hugs and talking and silliness
my friend calls
i go and sit in the rain and talk with him for a half hour
and when i walk in
it’s just more and more pleasure everywhere
it all erupted
to make me feel filled with graditude and love
PHEW! — for a minute there…
i met some people i’d only ever talked with on line
great energy
great conversations with randomn people
and people i would like to be my friends
when i live here..
spraying some absinth around
taking my clothes off
dancing to Mark Wiegle rocking out
and talking with the guy in the bar that i thought was the hottest
funny
to me
the hottest guy
why isn’t he talking to anyone?
he stood there quietly
i stood next to him
closer
kept trying to make eye contact
OK
so i talked to him
as often, i forget, he’s just shy.
he’s a dog groomer/breeder
gots over 200 dogs
knows the Jeff i know in North Carolina… lives kinda near him.
small world.
hmmm
eventually
we decide to leave
it’s 1AM already!
we walk to the hotel in the gentle rain
and curl up together..
nice way to wake up as well
so i make some calls
and things work out:
i run to my friend’s house in Hayes Valley
old friend…
he gives me spare keys
i head into the Castro to meet
unzeugmatic
who i met for an hour in Amsterdam back in 2002
in the Spijker
we walked around
hiked up to the red rocks above the castro
looked down
great conversation
beautiful flips on relationships and relating in general
we sat at the corner table in Harvey’s, right on the corner of 18th and Castro
talking about dear intimate playful things
while watching everyone rush by
both of us taking joy
from flirting behind the glass
smiling at people
causing them to blush
HERE!
i rushed back to the house my stuff was in
He was sleeping
i started gathering my things together
he woke
but didn’t speak much
— what was there to say?
i wished him well
and was on my way.
got to the street car just in time
F
down Market
the same boy that was next to me when i rode it TO the castro
was now here AGAIN!
he says
“I’m a sister of perpetual indulgence!”
WHO?
“Sister Magically Deliscious!”
YES!
(laughs)
we natter
but i jump off
and now it’s a downpour
raining raining
i hike up and down the hills with all this on my back
and get to Hayes valley
drop off my stuff
take a breather
and quickly edit and burn an Arcade Fire cd for the other guy who lives here
and artist
we share a lot of music in common
and i know he’d love them.
then out the door!
down to the sex party
i filmed porn again!
this time just as dissatisfying
but not as long
and more familiar
i listen to the daddy, not the director
i take things slow
and don’t push myself to what i don’t want
yet, at the whims of the Leo fire…
i am the last to cum
they put me in a sling
and he’s got a few fingers up my ass
but it’s not that
it’s the eye contact
his eyes turning bright green
eyebrows bristling
a beauty i take for granted
call it almost “mundane”
becuase it belongs to me
rather, i it
us, together
it’s just this: we know it
halleluja
when i cum
my body arches
and i scream
shudder
buck
everyone is shocked
and silent
and then it erupts in silliness
and nothing is serious!
though i am always a serious rabbit
even i don’t take myself serious
i remember how shocked i was when i went to get my STD tests a few days ago
and
to my surprise
it was the first time ever
the clinicians didn’t make me feel MORE paranoid
they were all
“well, no, i don’t think you have anything, i don’t think you have to worry, you know it’s impossible to really pass it on that way anyway…”
what’s going on?
somewhere there is play and joy in the air
in the blood stream
still
i get to the hotel at 1am
and a friend gives me his hotel room
as his lover is at home, feverish: he goes to be with him
i sleep alone?
no! i call the dog farmer from NC and he comes down
cuddle
sleep
but i have to kick him out at 6am coz his snoring is keeping me awake
sleep another 3 hours
and get a phone call telling me the lover will be there soon with a trick
so i make the bed
and go up stairs
to cuddle with the dog farmer some more
(laughs)
then met friends down in the hotel lobby
played around
talked
walked through the rain to DeLesio’s for chocolate and french toast and fritatta, string beans… Italian Deli Buffet
so full!
i felt i was getting too skinny coz i’ve just NOT been eating much at all lately!
i feel good now
i walk to the Hayes Valley place
Linden House, we’ll call it
and relax for a moment
ReCharge my batteries
(cell phone and mp3 player)
grab my camera
take a shower
change my clothes
and write a journal enetry
so anyone who’s reading
knows where i am.