phantoms

i’ve been abstaining from sugar for over a week now
but for some grapefruits
and a few dates a day
the computer still lures
i have to fight against it
a type of sugar
my brother called
it got me off line to talk with him
then i went to read
but first: i needed some chocolate.
i have a few kinds of chocolate with no sugar in them
not sugar-free chocolate
in an atkins kinda way
but more like baker’s chocolate
i love the bitter too
but right now
i want sugar.
i took out my large serrated pocket knife
and cut a hunk off
and sucked on it
and another
and another
it’s good for the lungs too, you know
black chocolate
entire…
shafenburger..
i stabbed the knife into it
broke off a hunk
and then
broke of a tiny piece of Dagoba’s Lavender/Blueberry dark chocolate (but that had some sugar in it)
the piece was larger than i liked
i chewed it up ravenously
my tongue felt fuzzy
i sat down to read “sure of you” again
in the chair
by the window
something about a guy in his 30’s… AIDS patient gone with dementia at the police office
freaking out
Michael trying to handle it
i get this phantom feeling of cutting my finger with my knife
that large gun-metal blade cudding through my finger
i keep reading
and can feel the blade scraping the bone
and Mary Ann get’s found-out not telling Brian about moving to LA
the serated part of the blade rips so easily through the skin
What the FUCK is THIS?
sleep deprivation?
i’ve cut myself a few times
but never with this knife
never on Purpose, let me make that clear
there’s not a desire here, it’s not like i want to
it’s scary
it’s like i’m pressed against the surface of a paralell reality where it happened
when i was stabbing the chocolate
it slipped
and slid right though my finger…