back in SF: here today, gone today

spent a night with leo in LA
in the sleazy sex hotel “Coral Sands”
we played with one guy together
he was really hot and sweet
(in that “my life’s been shattered” kinda way)
but i was over him the moment i noticed he was tweekin’
“you like to party? i got favours.. do you party?”
ugh
still, always nice to be with Leo for a night
we walked in the sunshine
and when it was time for him to drive me to meet my ride (from craigslist) back up to SF
we found his front right tire flat
so i went into Man mode
and changed the wheel to the emergency donut as fast as i could
and we were on our way.
nice car full of kids
was that long haired pretty boy a queer?
he said ” i had a girl friend there…”
and that cute korean girl..
this is the first CL ride i’ve had that i wasn’t sitting next to the driver…
i read “The Jewels of Aptor” until the light was too far gone…
we stopped to eat at Jack in the Box
mmm, Dead food.
i found myself in preacher mode a few times
she said ” yeah, i’ve noticed so many times when i eat fast food that i’ll be starving again in an hour”
he said ” fast food is like a gas station for the body, just put it in to keep going ”
i said ‘ it’s kinda counter productive… i learned to make food and put life in it, mix it in while i’m making it… this shit is just dead.. it SUCKS the life out of so it can be digested ‘
they said ” yeah”
as the sun dissapeared behind the clouds
it found all the rest of us asleep
and the little Ukranian guy barreling down the highway at 80+
i would twist and wake to feel the jolt and shudder of the wind and the road
and submerged into traveling sleep again…
until i realized i didn’t know where to stay
my friend Robbie was down in SD.. and i wanted to stay with him
coz he’s so cuddly
i love cuddling with him…
that’s what i’d planned…
then i thought of Paul
who i love
but i know he’d just had Frank staying there
and other guests
so i didn’t want to ask him
but i also didn’t want to deal with Crabs at Marty’s
nor other emotionally heavy situation with other places i could have stayed
so i called Paul
and he said, “of course!’
he’s a friend.
so there was walking and food (alone)
talking on the phone
sketching out what my life will be like living here
talking with Guy…
back to the house
conversations with John
and Paul
and then some sleeping
dreams?
i woke feeling so odd…
and i haven’t drank any water
i feel like starving the thrush
it’s OODLES better since i noticed it a few days ago
just the consciousness of healing it and not feeding it has helped
life life life
i used to get this shit all the time as a teenager
i always thought i was dying…
i was
less life, more dying= dying.
gotta remember to pump up the life from time to time
when it’s just ebbing out
and i’m letting it slip away
why is life so tenuous for me?
when it seems so tenacious for everyone else…
the rain has cleared
bright clouds now
cars running up Fell street
i lay in bed (sleeping bag on massage table)
and finished reading “the Jewels of Aptor”
it made me feel like a little kid…
Delany was a kid when he wrote it
and yet…
it still taught me something
and was a lovely little story
and had the voice of god…
that’s what i want, really
to be a priest like that
to be a vicar like that
to make my deal with god
and be able to create like him
tell stories
that resonate the truth of the world
in each person who can hear it
remind them
teach them…
otherwise
i’m distracted by porn
had to get out that extra energy
put my clothes on
sun pouring in on me
noon now
i’ll go walking soon
and have some conversations
and maybe get some tests
and then i’ll be on my way back to the mountain tonight to rest for week or so
before coming back to spend time with Guy
and then take over living here on my own
…
Leo gave me a song
something about
“i will never love you
because to love’s too dear
but though i’ll never love you
i’ll stay with you one year
and we can sing in the sunshine
we’ll laugh every day
we’ll sing in the sunshine
then i’ll be on my way
i’ll sing to you each morning
i’ll kiss you every night
but darling don’t cling to me
i’ll soon be outta sight
but we can sing in the sunshine
we’ll laugh every day
we’ll sing in the sunshine
then i’ll be on my way”
was the whole culture like this once?
is it still? just forgotten?