last night's unfinished thoughts

so many things i intended to say
like Math.
it’s a simple thing
if you think of the world as actions, examples, stories, images, feelings…
to me that seems very human and real
to reduce everything to numbers:
“15 minutes”
“15 inches”
“15 degrees outside”
it’s abstract
and tell me, darling
what is it that uses numbers as it’s only way of knowing reality?
Computers.
perhaps these people who talks in maths and buzzes likes a fridge
are androids.
Why can’t we forget it?
OK COMPUTER: TAKE CONTROL
and did i say anything about the flies?
flies only eat dead things
they hardly ever bother me:
hard to mistake me for dead
some people it’s much easier..
and about robbie:
all those herbs didn’t help a lick
he’s just too passive
he fell asleep
but he told me many things in that process that reminded me of what was important
kinda
he said he never thinks of me as a “slut”
but as a healer
and that i can take sexual energy and use it for healing
he was just all plusses
but also reminded me
that he chooses and understands that he is not a generator of life energy so much
(he didn’t say it like that, but to that affect… effect?)
and that he needs others around him
he is the quintessential bear
big and friendly
loving, like a teddy… like a mommy
smart, silly, simple
hmmm, i don’ t know
but it reminded me of a long time ago when i first met him
i’d get nervous being around him
there would be long silences
becuase there were no arguments
no discrepancies
things just were as they were and it was that simple
i’d never had that-uncomplicated an interraction
and with a Virgo!
it left my dumbfounded and doubtful— suspicious even
now i just appreciate the relationship for that
but also understand that that’s just what it is…
which ties into to Leo
and my understanding of our relationship
back when…
when i thought nearly the same thing
–“oh, it’s a different relationship– no antagonism at all”
that changed as soon as i thought of him as my One big one…
silly me
Robbie also reminded me that i am not the kind to ever have a husband
that i need the million lovers in order to be satisfied and grow
i told him there is a small part of my heart
that cannot grow
until i do have the one lover
maybe only for a short period of time
a year or two
but i need that in order to learn something about life and loving…
… which leads me to tonight
Bear Hugs Sex Party at Marty’s…
i’m very tired
i’ve had some fun
but got really nervous when i watched one of Leo’s sex partner friends
getting fucked raw by some guy that certainly looked HIV+
coz i know he and Leo fuck raw as well
it sends a shiver down my spine
this town and all its illness
what can we do to heal it?
what can we do to prevent it
really– not just fear and bandaids…
HA
how to love in this place…
my body feels drained and sore
still, it’s been a nice day
everyone in town
go down to Rainbow grocery and pick up an Acai soy drink in the fridge section in the back
they are SO tasty
i’m off to dreams
see ya there