the long road home (2)

wednesday
03.10.04
i think i slept well last night
i don’t remember
i think i took a while to wake up
what was the setting?
there was one thing
led to another
probably got on the computer, yes
tried to make some arrangements, yes
or maybe not
maybe we just went out
paul had to get some things done
one thing led to another
there was the dentist
bleaching the teeth
it reminded me of the man last week
when he got stressed
he said
“i just need to take care of myself, i’m going to my hairdresser and i’m going to get a manicure.. i will be back later..”
Florida
on the radio
in the car
on the way to the dentist
i listened to an advert
giving me trivia about the muscles used in the eyes
and just how many times they move a day!
10,000 times!
you know, every time they move
they cause little wrinkles
and that shows how old you are
and you can use this cream
and the wrikles will deminish
and you can now feel free to smile, wink, flirt (laughs)
express yourself
people afraid of getting old…
why would that be?
coz they never do anything at all with their lives?
don’t learn or grow or actually FEEL a thing?
perhaps
don’t want people to see that they have been breathing in and out for 60 years
and doing as close as they can to absolutely nothing…
why would you be afraid to show your age
coz you’ll be dead
and then there’s nothing else?
i got angry
and then sat in the gold mercedes while paul got his teeth bleached
i sat there reading a book called “Einstein’s Dreams”
which, at first, seemed very interesting
an Italo Calvino-esque book on various realties with different time-structures
but it was so limiting ( as a book about time would most likely be ) and just got tedious
the phone rang
and while i was on it
i pulled a crab out of my hair.
the day was going excellently
paul got back to the car after nearly two hours
appologizing for taking so long
and making a comment on how the parking lot looked like a dealership:
All the cars were Mercedes
Yes.
Mercedes on the outside
styrophome heart.
we went to IHOP for breakfast
i did my best not to order anything to eat
“no thank you, i have a bag of fruit”
he barked down my throat in a jewish-mother kinda way
eventually i was weakend and ordered pancakes and eggs
plastic
while consuming
he begins picking me to peices
letting me know that i am Mentally Ill
(of course, he is a PsychoTherapist… or was… before he was classified as Disabled (mentally unfit to practice) )
and that i should check into Bellvue
it will help me get Back on track.
Yeah, like i have been bashing my soul against the rocks and the sky for eight years
so i can get doped up and be happy with starbucks and “Will & Grace”
no thanks.
but i’m very tired
i am very tired and very vulnerable
and he gets to me
all his caring and tenderness
and projecting all his bullshit onto me
i am shattered and tired
it is 3 o’clock and we’re still very far from the nude beach
and i have missed seeing my cousin Deanna (who is down here on Spring Break)
[Yes, that is what i did this morning, i called my parents then my brother then my sister then my cousin and arranged to meet]
so we do get to the beach. i insist.
but it is very windy
and although the sun i still out
the wind is bitter and cold
and i am only naked for a few moments before i have to shield myself and protect myself
now paul is not questioning me
i asked him how he actually met his husband
and he told me the story
“well, it was the morning after my birthday rape.”
What?
Paul frequented a bar here in NYC back in the day
when was this? early 70’s?
maybe mid.
he had just got out of the mental institution after his first breakdown, left his wife, etc..
and came to this bar everynight for a few drinks
he noticed once that a guy came in and it was his birthday
the bartender gave him five free drinks
and all the other people in the bar contributed money to get him many many more free drinks
so paul decides to have a birthday in late May
(his is actually in late December, Christmas Eve)
he puts on a fine silk Bill Blass suit
and walks into the bar, declaring his birthday
it works like a charm
and in no time
he’s drunk as a pig
his friends are liquiring him up and down
and the bar is near closing
they say “now it is time for your present”
and pile him into a taxi
and take him to a place called… “The Anvil”
the sights are amazing to him
he’s never seen anything like it
(after checking out of the Mental Hospital he’s been living at the Y and this whole Gay thing is burgeoning before him… it’s a different world)
there’s a man chained to the ceiling getting whipped
cum dripping down into hungry mouths of passers-by
he has to piss
but the urnil-troughs are filled with naked men slipping around under spraying cocks
he succums and fills their mouths
one thing leads to another…
and his friends push him into a dark room
where his clothes get rent from his body
and he is forced onto a mattress
and ritualistically fucked by 23 different people
he staggers home in the shreds of his suit
and smells the lovely scent of reefer as he walks towards his YMCA cell…
comming from the neighbour’s room
who welcomes him in
a hippy stoner boy
who bathes him and cleanses him
and gets him off yet again
and the rest was history…
but here on the beach
the wind is just TOO DAMN COLD
and we pitch in and head back home
stopping at the Whole Foods Market on the way
he drops $200 on tons of food
(he has no money of his own)
he plans an elaborate menu
and at the time i left florida
most of that food would still be in the fridge.
that night was a hard one
i told him about the crabs
and taught him about essential oils and coconut oil
and i mixed up a strong batch
and covered us both
the talking continued
he tells me that he’s sure i’m HIV+
from the way i’m acting
oh, he wouldn’t trust me at all
you know, it’s a fellony in this state to have unsafe sex with someone if you know you are positive or even suspect it
it’s classified as Murder, you can be put away for Life
(he says, letting me know he could turn me in)
then tells me he needs to make love to me
then tells me i need to make him cum
he needs this
i must do it
and he’s a fucking vampire
so i go through the motion
and give him no energy
he asks me to fuck him
i have my fingers in his ass
and i cut off all my energy entirely
and he gets bored
coz i’m not feeing him..
and the talking continues…
get that energy any way you can.
i eventually had to opt out
to collapse
somewhere round 3′
and he didn’t conk out til after 5…
3.11.04
but the morning found me leaving
i had met a man on the internet last autumn who lived down here
a…
retired Jewish Psychotherapist from NYC…
but it was different
when we’d talked on the phone in the past
i’d always got instantly hard
and meeting him was just as powerful
i just found him Beautiful.
stocky
like a pitbull
but meek
and sweet
the sex was passionate and playful
with many breaks
talks
and then dives back in
it went on for hours
and then he had to get ready for a cocktail party…
and i wandered around ft Lauderdale beach for a few hours
and hours
and hours that streatched on
in a shopping mall
the wind so cold
i only had a t-shirt
and though the walking around the shops was interesting
it wasn’t that interesting
and climing over the side of the bridge
down the boat-access ladder was fun
but only took a small amount of time
and on and on it went
into the darkness of night
one thing, then another
my cell phone arrived from my brother in the mail
but only after i had left Paul’s house
and he had it
at the beach
wherever else
his boy friend Paul had arrived from RI
and they were together
so i let them go
and my other Psychotherapist offered to let me stay with him
but not with him
fore he and his husband of 20 years had a rule against sleep overs
but at the Dyke’s condo next-door that he was watching
and there we were in bed
when i finally got there through the cold
and waiting in the mall
while the hippy/sororiety/dyke/girl sang “Landslide” followed by “Sweet Child O’Mine”
we slept well
and there was much kissing and adoration
i was so happy to wake up in love
03.12.04
and we had plans to leave early for the beach from Paul’s
so i was taken there shortly after the glow between us had shown…
but the morning did not go as planned
Paul (the younger) was a beautiful boy
30 or so
beautiful beautiful
beautiful and fucked up
you know the type
we all do
all too well
his phone kept ringing
a guy called “Robbie”
every word that came out of Paul’s mouth on the phone was a Lie.
Robbie obviously had it bad for him
and it was understandable, Paul was very beautiful
Robbie called a few times that i saw
and we staggered out of the house after noon
i was wishing and willing we would get to the beach before it got cold
one thing led to another
and i got my phone working again
and a guy i had been talking to on line
( i had written the dream on the lap top…
can i remember any of it?
let’s try:
i was at a bear gathering
but the bear gathering was like a faery gathering.. or the rainbow gathering…
but it was sponsored by huge corporations…
there were internet terminals everywhere
with all the bear-chat sites everywhere…
i was talking to people in a tent
but started feeling introverted
and fled up to the caves in the side of the cliff
and sat on the computer for a while
i realized that this guy i had been talking with on line
was now walking across the field
so i jumped from the mouth of the cave to the grass
and ran towards him
as i approached
his face opened in a huge smile…
everything about him was Huge
he was 7 feet talk!
400#
more!
HUGE
9 feet tall!
i slid as into home base under his slightly spread legs
and lay on my back in complete comfort looking up at him
he smiled
reached down
and lifted me into an embrace
my head against his chest… )
this guy, right
i call him
give him my cell phone number
we decide to meet at the nude beach.
Eventually Paul and Paul and i leave the house
and Dr. Paul is so hungry
we have to eat at IHOP again
(sigh)
and little paul’s chiuaua is not yapping
but so excited
and Robbie keeps calling
and Paul keeps lying
and they are so in love
and we get to the beach
and Claus starts photographing me
(he’s gonna show them to Sebastian)
and i see this beautiful man covered with tattoos and piercings
and soft gentle grey eyes
and the big guy from online arrives
not so as in the dream
but a sweet man, Tony
we talk and cuddle in the sun
everyone is so friendly
and the decision is made that i will leave Paul and Paul to their love making
and Tony and i will go to the bear bar for a while
and then find a cheap hotel room to spend the night together..
and it’s nice
Bill’s Filling Station
i see people that i know from other places–
the bartender from the bear bar in Cologne Germany
the proprieter of the guest house in Olgunquit Maine where my friend stayed
the guy who lived across from the church’s parking lot
where i parked Vic, my van, and slept…
and of course
many other beautiful beautiful men
that guy i had seen on line a few years ago
Vito
snow white hair
big round, Bear-Height
i was enjoying myself
but very quickly got tired of being in the bar.
i never really liked bars
but being adored and drunk and sexy was attractive for so many years
all of a sudden
last year
i lost it
i can’t stand being in them for very long anymore
my time wore thin
and Tony agreed– it was time to go
we drove and drove
and didn’t find a cheap room
so Tony decided to drive back to Orlando
and i was
High&Dry.
Paul and Paul were down in Miami
and not comming back up
he suggested i stay in the bath house.
lucky me, but tonight the beach was not an option.
i made calls
but none of them resulted in Home
so i headed off to
The Clubhouse (2)
i stood outside and talked to Leo on the phone for a while
his love
pouring over my dark-chocolate-coating
it soothed…
i checked in
just wanting to sleep
but there were no rooms
i was put on the waiting list.
so the sex started
and in my style
everytime someone would cum with me
i would massage them and pet them
hold them
kiss them
even in the hallway
even in the porn room
let them know their orgasm
was about love
i would suck them even after they came
i would take them out of their body
i would leave them wondering where they were
and when they woke
i hoped they felt in love
i hunted..
i saw this guy who wasn’t handsome
but was attractive… perhaps energywise…
i saw him again
and again
i played with a big hot abusive irish bear (with a little dick)
i went back to this attractive guy
we smiled at eachother
danced
i held his little dick
he said “it gets fat”
and so it did
HUGE
we went back to his room
and there was kissing and moaning
there was cuddling and massage
eventually there was peace
and talking
he’d been a drag queen for many years
little body
Vegas
fund raisers
a real-sweet heart
even though he could play Bitch.
i’d never had sex with a drag queen… so far as i knew
and he was really hot
stocky muscular italian guy
when he first kissed me in his room he said
“oh, wow. you’re a real person. not one of those fake ones out there.. you’r real”
i found he was too
and it was good to spent the three hours wrapt with him
i didn’t cum
and he had to go
i went back to my room
and slept
a bath house sleep.
the morning beat woke me up
and a little yoga in the empty sauna
dotted by the hungry ghosts
i woke up
showered
and left
03.13.04
the sun blinded me
i called my mother on my phone
which was almost out of batteries
i was supposed to me Alfonso today
a guy i had talked with for well over a year
who i had planned to stay with when i got to Miami
but one thing led to another
and i couldn’t.
i left a message at 9am
took a breath
decided it wasn’t worth holding
and got on a bus to head south to the nude beach
it took three hours
routed through down town Ft Lauderdale
the Airport
and then the Mall
i walked around there
knowing i needed a quarter for the next bus..
i found a Mac store
and made as if i were looking at the merchandise
this morning cinched it for me
i was running away from florida
thanks, i’ve had enough
so i got on a lap top
just like my own
and it was on the airport
and i connected to my email
and Yacov had sent me his credit card
and i plugged it into JetBlue and got me a ticket out of here…
to NYC.
i need to make some money.
then i smiled
thank the workers
and the great god of Mac
and made my way back to the buss
asking the pastry girl for change…
a warm sunny day at the beach
plagued still by the winds
jumping in the water was beautiful
but getting out was hell
so cold!
i had to run up and down the beach to keep from freezing
but the beach was yet again filled with beautiful friendly people
i talked with some as if they were friends
some were already bitter and jealous that i was friendly with them
and Then others
some were shy and bashful
i got to sit and talk with Vito
though i wanted only to pet his beautiful fur
he told me in his thick Italian Accent
that his lover would be jealous
but i was beautiful too
and was i his nephew?
no
and laughing
my friend Terry later told me that he’d worked as a tailor most of his life
and would hand deliver the suits he made for the mafia
so there would be no one killed at his house…
the day went on
and there was Paul and Paul
little paul telling me how much he needed a rest
and how he didn’t want an older boy friend again
you can’t grow with them
and they are embarassing to introduce to your beautiful friends
oh, yes yes
gotta get a break from dr.paul, yes, need to rest
need to be alone
need to hunt for other cock
yes yes
and there was one beautiful man after another
i talked with some
they’d give me their number
ah, the chance to actually lay with him..
and stories about others
and the beach was thinning out
when a 60 jewish man walked up to me and asked for my home page address (fragment from a conversation earlier in the day)
and, a kiss
we hugged for a moment
and he left me with his cock having grown twice the size
though it was still flaccid
we joked
and within moments i was faced with the largest cock i had ever seen on a white man
and laying on the ground with he and his friends
then being photographed by claus again
in porn-star style
the invited me to a play party at their house a ways south
and why not?
my trick of the day had flaked out on me
as everything else was seeming to
so i went along with them.
all beautiful and vervacious and different individuals in their ways…
but i wondered what i had got myself into when we got to their house
it didn’t all feel comfortable
this older man, Don, was very fun, like a child
his friend, Paul (laughs) was very “i just came out”
hot, blond hair and dark tanned body, still had a wife at home, beautiful blue eyes
the other two weren’t impressive to me
and the tangle ov bodies lasted hours longer than i had suspected it would
not being a big fan of orgies myself
i began to focus on paul
and wanted only to be left alone
feeling that these two others were pressing things on him without feeling or listening to him..
i believe that in sex
the worst thing to do
is go against someone’s wishes
and it’s so easy to do
because we all know what we’re feeling
it’s so obvious
it seems idiotic to put it into words sometimes
but when you don’t want them to put their fingers up your ass
when you don’t want them to keep trying to make you cum
when you’ve had enough
and they just keep going and going
in that
“i’m completely detatched and am just going to keep going and going” way
it made me sad
i gave up
and got on line
finding out then that Alfonso’s father had died and he had to rush to his family…
Last year
i had been given a van
and decided to have an adventure in america
instead of returning to Europe
as i had planned.
i had wanted to travel the east coast
i had never seen any of it but NYC
and never really been out of NYC, but once…
there were many people i knew out there
people i’d met through various chat programs or web sites
and places i had heard of that sounded so interesting
many of the sprouted up this year
as if in premonition
so i went out to see some things
with a grand list of the people i would meet and love and learn with
but my time in NYC just really broke my heart
my van got broken into
all of my precious possessions stolen
while i was having my first NYC Pride Day experience
while i was parked on the corner of Dominick Street..
the whole thing gutted me
along with the fact that
more oft then not
when i went to visit most of the many
there was always something that kept it from happening
a lost number or email address
or some terrible fate that befel them:
fights with their boy friends
terrible illness
new boyfriends
friends and relatives commiting suicide or being murdered!
i began to get worried…
was this just a terrible year for everyone?
was my will an intent to see these people
while the world was telling me repeatedly NOT TO
actually manifesting such terrible reasons
to keep us from comming together?
it happened time and time again
and i began to relent, for fear of causing other horrible inadvertent tortures
and i felt the same this day with Alfonso
so fine, Ok.
i guess it was time to head home
and as far as i knew
Paul was home alone this evening
because Paul needed some time off
i went to my cell phone
and there was a message from Dr. Paul
telling me that they decided to spend the night together again tonight
and i must find another place to stay
now
none of these men would i ask to spend the night with
i didn’t actually want to spend the night with any of them
i just wanted to sleep..
so i called Dr. Paul
and asked if i could Please come back
and her permitted…
but only if i came right now!
well, ok
so we left
and headed north
he called on the way
and said i was a terrible person
and that NO, i was not allowed to come back.
he hung up.
i was paralyzed
i called him back
and proceeded to beg
i begged him to let me even just come back and get my things
please
if he were to be such a heartless man
a selfish bitter man
to please let me just get my belgongings and i would find somewhere else
but would feel better to be homeless knowing i would not have to see him again
than homeless and know i would have to be humble in front of him again to get my things
he said “if you’re not here in 15 mintues i’m leaving!”
and hung up again
we rode in consternation
in a fancy mercedes
it took nearly a half hour to get there
but we got there
and he was still naked when i got there
he was stoned out of his mind
little paul was cracking jokes
dr paul had taken most of my clothes to the laundry-mat
and had not got them back
no easy out for me
but we made…
peace?
agreed to meet up the next day to get my stuff back
… only two days before leaving! why did this have to happen?
but Don offered to let me stay at his house
and so he took me home
i called Leo and he once again licked my inflamed nerves
laughing into it
sending me love
and i made it to bed
still woke with sex
everything was so painful
me feeling so abused, so vulnerable and so raw
everything that would put me into my sensitivity was pain
but people must have what they must have
(smile)
exhausted
but pleasant conversation
and i tried to call Terry, a man i had met on the beach last week who i had a good feeling about…
he was there
and even offered to drive the hour north to pick me up
i was thankful
and waited til then
putting on my devil’s grin.
Terry got there
and he had the same Tired about him
friendly…
he drove me to lunch
and conversation
we ordered steaks
mine too rare and tough
it made me sick
we made love in the bed for hours
not in a penetrative kinda way
but in bodies folding over and over
the resting and holding
the breathing and holding
the sleeping and kissing
big irish men…
i decided i would rather spend my last night here with him
so i called Paul
and he and Paul were still smoking pot and fucking
he was happy to let me…
we went out for a cup of tea
little conversations
he’d been a dominican monk for a while
and a teacher for so long
highschool
then, mistakenly, put in elementry
but loved it
and remained there til retiring
friendliness
with the violence of strength behind him
so often telling me stories
“well, i’m not like this at all, but i just back-handed him twice and looked at him.. instantly regreted it, but there is no taking it back, and i did not appologize”
though he was a loving man
and even peacful
he had the same feeling i had of the darkness of the world
the setting of the sun
the long road down
but he was not tormented by it
we went to sleep
and a great fever took me over
i shivered and quivered all night
sick, i am sure
paul’s condemnations ripping through my body
the dreams of being lost and having to find the path back
in a field of dead grass over rolling hills
veined with millions of thin paths
leading everywhere…
which way?
03.15.04
i didn’t sleep much
but i guess that’s all i got
and though i was feeling all sore and shivery and sickly
i knew i was leaving for NYC today
where it was winter
and i couldn’t afford to be weak and ill
so i pulled myself together…
but my digestion was weak
almost diareah
we got ourselves moving
and headed towards Paul’s house
got there and then went to collect the laundry
Terry offered to take me to the airport
but Paul said he’d take me too
and it was still four hours away
so i said Thanks to Terry
and decided to stay at Paul’s getting my things together and spending some time on his fast internet connexion preparing for NYC
Massage Ads
and changing locations on my bear profiles…
i Told paul we must leave by 12
my plane leaves at 2
but just before 12 Paul says he must take a quick shower
and it was nearly one before we left
having to run back in over and over
to get the leather jacket
to get the cell phone
to drop off the mail
Urgh
he said
“oh sorry, i thought your plane was at 3”
he rushed me to curbside check-in and i jumped out and pulled my journal out of my bag to get my passport out of it
they said “oh, you can’t check in here, go inside”
so i threw my stuff back together
and ran inside
and checked in
and made it through pretty easy
yes, got searched in the standard police-state way i always do
but made it on the plane on time
and quickly fell asleep for a while…
then woke
and started to read
“the Heart is a Lonely Hunter”
oh, ouch
more of this
the lonely people in the world
forever divorced from familiarity
love
understanding
page after page
and though i have been avoiding books like this for a few years
i am compelled to read it
it is not cushioned by the homour and magic that “One Hundred Years of Solitude” had…
but i am eating it
and sleeping
i get an idea (now lost)
and reach into my bag to write it in my journal…
which is gone.
Gone.
Journal: Gone.
which had (almost) all my money in it
at least 400$
Blink
now back to less than 100bucks..
Ok.
(hrmph)
land in JFK
and try to find the Lost and Found to explain these things…
got my stuff
my bag
my side bag
the laptop case (empty)
and Eddy is there to meet me outside after only waiting a short time.
He arrives in a light blue car
simple and old
we wrote porn-star letters to eachother
but it doesn’t feel like that
he feels like a brother
an uncle
a father
he feels like a friend
and i am eternally grateful
“here, i brought a banana..– i figured you must be hungry”
we drive through the wintery Long Island
to his suburban home
little garden
house filled with knick-nacks
circus posters
( i had played a game at the maul in Ft Lauderdale that night..
you know, like in the movie “BIG”– the Zoltar machine ? the little wizard in a glass box… you give him a dollar and he gives you a fortune (not so great as granting a wish)
the card he gave me said ” you will meet a sould mate at a circus…” )
the sex starts in Eddy’s bedroom
and he is so much more beautiful than i remember
i mean, it’s not that he’s hot
i just find him so beautiful
the type of fat he is
the type of hairy
the big long white beard
the beautiful italian facial structure
the sex is great
and cuddling…
he seems a bit shy of being too intimate, though he falls into it so naturally..
but then goes off to make dinner
and i sit and think
we have a good dinner conversation
but explains that i will be sleeping alone
but that i might sneek into his room at night or in the morning..
the the room he gives me is a soft green
filled with Elephants…
he tells me that he was probably an elephant in a past life
and i look at him and see that
he is not a bear
he is an Elephant
(and i mean this as Beautiful)
i sleep there
i put my head between the two pillows
he opens the window, then pulls down the shade
and pulls the covers snug around my neck
says good night
turns out the light
and leaves the door open a crack.
i slept
i slept very well
like i am at my grand-mother’s home
i don’t remember my dreams
i feel like i’m at home
03.16.04
i wake promptly at 7:30
(went to sleep around 11)
and sneek out of the warm bed-clothes
down the hall
and into his room
i lift the covers and climb in behind him
wrapping my body around
we lay like that a while
and i’m not a morning sex person
but he is
and i am doing this for him
and i love cuddling with him
and thogh the sex is a surprise
it fits so well
and feels so good
and there is much laughing and smiling and playing and fun
then he must make breakfast
so i must do yoga
and have a shower
and i notice now that all that shit of the last week doesn’t matter
and i don’t feel so scared
i feel safe.
he made a breakfast of four pieces of white bread
in a casserole dish
covered with Egg
then a thick layer of cheddar
it’s like a grill-cheese omlet.
he’s such a daddy…
and he is.
we talk
many stories
and he’s so honest…
i am shocked
after being around such compulsive liars
he tells me he lives off cookies
(wink — i put that in here if you are reading this)
i think he just lives off of pleasure
he believes the world should be like “leave it to Beaver”
and the film “Pleasantville” really upset him
i find his innocence and kindness refreshing
but am confused by how it clashes with the idea of him i had before i arrived.
i keep feeling like he can tell i am lying to him.
i mean, i am trying to pretend everything is OK
when everything inside of me has been stirred up and poisoned with fear and even self-dis-trust
i feel like he can feel this
i know he can
we make our way downstairs
i am surprised that no one replied to my massage posting from yesterday
we sit and compose some togther
post them in different places
he suggests playing off my “hippy” appearance
“just a sweet flowerchild”
four ads
and no one is biting.
i am terrified:
i came to NYC specifically becuase i made money so easily here last autumn
and now nothing?
not too surprising
but.. PLEASE
Eddy suggests we do a whore ad
so i pretend i am a college student, 23…
(ugh)
tons of people respond to it
but not after i show them my face
weary old man little boy.
so i post an ad off another play we were talking about
Father and Son looking to please another man
Family.
and it feels like that
he’s guiding me
he’s being my daddy
what a revalation
it feels so much better just letting him help
going through it with him
i kinda makes it worth it
i’m worried
and the snow has been falling
the blizzard did come
and he doesn’t want to drive me to Coney Island in this weather
could i take the train?
i’m tired
i’m cold
NO NO NO.
Enrico doesn’t even need me to make an excuse, he says on the phone “have you asked him if you can just stay another night”
which is all i wanted anyway
another night at home…
Eddy says that’s fine
Enrico gives me directions to his house
i understand them
but Eddy Grabs the phone from me
and gets them himself
so he knows
and then can explain it to me.
cute.
i tell him i am going to go upstairs and lay down a while
now…
i don’t really cry to myself
but i lay on that bed
and curled up in a ball
and did the nearest thing to crying i do
and i’m pretty sure my emotions were making a hell ov a racket round that house
i wasn’t there longer than ten minutes when Eddy came in and took off his clothes and got in the bed with his body saying
“come lay with me honey”
and i took mine off
like a sulky child
… more like someone saved and so thankful
and we cuddled
i buried my head in his chest
and wished i could just dissapear…
eventually we started talking again
we talked so well
eventually we started having sex again
and this time we were so intimate
the sex was all made of lava and stars
and he nearly died when he came
it was like pluto’s two halves making love to itself
he pulled me off him and pushed me away
held me away with his arm
gasping
“Don’t touch me”
don’t touch me
he staggered out of the room
i was worried
but also felt so much better
i thought he was playing
but also thought there was something to it
he was clutching at his heart…
eventually his mood lightened
and he said dinner was ready
i came down
and we ate
and talked
and he said he was going to watch TV
i said i was going to write…
but i didn’t get around to it.
Leo called
and i talked with him for nearly an hour
then back down to the computer
a few strokes
and the phone rang again
a friend from here in brooklyn
that i was too raw to really talk with
but it took ten minutes to communicate that
then back down
and i was so tired
i only had enough energy to finish all the pages
and head to bed.
Eddy was asleep already
so i walked in an kissed him good night
then lay me down
to sleep.
03.17.04
it was harder to get out of bed this morning
my breath tasted bad
i was sore
a lot of energy had pulsed through me…
i lay there
got some peelu gum
started chewing it
lay there
thought of going into eddy’s room
it was still quiet
i thought i had time
then all of a sudden he was up
and dressed
and down stairs…
i felt rejected.
i stayed in bed.
well, eventually i got up
went to the toilet
had a shower
and came down to breakfast.
banana-walnut pancakes
real maple syrup
and another realy great conversation
one thing leads to another
i’m being as honest as i can
but what it mainly does is open certain doors that let the pain shine through
he is so surprised to see it…
he thought i was a happy-go-lucky kid…
we decided he had stuff to do
i would go write…
which is when i wrote the first part of this…
he came down and talked during that
and writing helps me organize my thoughts
(if any of you have read this far, just know that
i am lost and confused… doing this describes the room…
and in that i might find the bed for rest… the window for clarity and the door to freedom.)
so i was more lucid when he came down at one point
and the conversation turns to Lost Boys
and i spit out one of those grand mistakes
where you tell someone very clearly and bluntly something they are deeply obscuring from themselves
fortuneately
he had no self-loathing about it
so it was not painful
just surprising:
he just still wants to be a daddy
for all those reasons…
he’s shocked
he never realized it
but it’s true
all the men he falls for are lost boys
lost boys that aren’t really his son
but he wants that
he wants..
he’s shocked
and retreats
i lost him there.
but that’s it.
the day was over.
time came soon where i must leave to catch the train
no more sex for us
no more cuddling
it was cold out there
but i got on that Long Island Rail Road Train
and rode it towards The City
the emptiness and bleakness so depressing
the Heart is a lonely Hunter
so saddening
and Eli on the phone
“eli, i am dying. i am dying. i will be dead soon”
‘ oh, poor you ‘
trevis called
but didn’t get through
no talking
i was on the other line..
and i realized that The Heart is a Lonely Hunter was perfect now
because i was sad again
i am honestly sad now
a sad person
i told eli that i struggled so long to be a happy and loving person
and it just didn’t work because it was a lie
but i am a sad person
so if i am honest with that
it fits
like
a
glove
and the book fits
the book is like a map
like a gift from god
i am envious at the girl who wrote it
understanding that she channeled it
like all them new age writers do
just so this boy on a train could read it now and know it was meant for him
“you are alone in the world.. just like us.”
i got onto the NYC Subway
and was instantly happy…
the big fat irish man asleep
his lipps puffing out
the crowd crammed in
the snow going by the window
it’s so beautiful
all these unhappy people
tired people
people going home from work
people going nowhere
people of great importance
people alone
together.
—
you know:
today is the 19th
i have given a few massages
i think have arranged for a few more
the massages make me feel so wonderful
because i give my all
and i give it in love
and it is recieved so well
and then i am given money
which i know i must give away
but i am so happy to be able to give that
the man i am staying with has the TV on all the time
and i often say that my job in the world is convince people they really don’t need the TV on
so i am failing in that story
it’s alright
he’s dying
i’ll be reborn …
in an interstellar burst…
but this guy is a Leo
and i am no longer so enamoured with them
… one thing led to another
and i found myself looking at my Robert Pittenridge’s Visioncommunity.org web page
that he had such hopes for
and then just let disspear in to fluff
i looked at it and noticed it had a message board
out of curiosity i looked in
only four messages
two from alan
two from robert
over two years…
the most recent, a month old
was from robert
“All for Naught”
he described how everyone had let him down so he must go off on his own
it made me angry
sulky little fuckin leo
i had to write a response…
that, probably, no one will ever read
but that’s ok
coz soon everything will be different
i just have to pay off my debts here
is there anything i’m forgetting?