(while lost in the fog, he murmers)

i often feel that what is really important
what i really mean to say
isn’t being said
i never get around to typing it
through all the bullshit i am confused in
i wanted to write a long piece about how i once discovered that i would stop writing because it made me sad
that i wrote myself stupid scenarios
that i would never say to a real person
coz they would be bored out of their minds
so i had a little box to put all my sorrows in
that i would carry around
and read from time to time
(now on display for you)
then i remembered that at that time
i didn’t understand
that i was writing to myself in my secret dialogue
pandering to my weakest and darkest feeling
since then i do my best to balance the feelings expressed
how important it is to be with the darkness
and the light
— we forget things —
Journal, so right
i went out to the forest yesterday with a friend
and we sang songs together
he told me he had read about himself in my journal
i wondered what i said…
‘did i talk about you dancing?’
“you mentioned me as the boy who likes to kiss while he’s dancing”
‘but did i talk about you with your arms over your head?’
“no, i don’t thinks so…”
he danced
that night
with his arms over his head
his fists together
a big smile on his face
like he was holding up the sky
or shaking his booty with the mountains
and pretending to be a tree
i can’t describe how happy it made me to see
and we kissed a lot too
through all the sweat
and disco beats
‘did i say anything about how you said you wanted it always to be shocking?’
“i don’t remember”
he talked about
oh yes, i remember now, i did write about this already..
so
we were in the forest
and we were out there to walk in the trees
i talked about it
and we were out there to fulfil the pleasure of having sex in the forest
(people walking by, us hiding in the bushes)
(hiding? kinda…)
we found a spot that was gaurded by Sacred Trash
that is,
one of the folk religeons here worships out in nature
at the rivers and waterfalls
they do nice little rituals
the unfortunate side effect of these rituals
is they leave trash in the spirit for the spirits (or something)
bowls of water (gaurding the path we took)
boxes of matches, opened..
in spaces where the fallen leaves were cleared away
flower arrangements
melted candles everywhere…
very nice
we both agreed that nature would probably prefer not to be cluttered with these things though
still, sacred sex in a sacred spot
but i have to admit
i was having trouble
(ohhh, public forum)
he insisted on using condomns
and surrounded by all those trees
it just made me feel bad
condomns make me feel bad anywhere
part of my mission includes
when i have sex with someone and they require condomns
i usually remind them
that if they don’t feel comfortable about something, they shouldn’t do it
and that sex is so many more things than fucking
especially out in nature like that
i got to feeling very scared and worried and annoyed
and eventually found it even difficult to kiss or be cuddly
–everything is bringing up insecurities
we left the forest as night was falling
and went into a mall
to get some chocolate
(brazil has amazing fruit… hard as hell to find good chocolate.. by my taste, i have found none yet.)
instead, he introduced me to some local cuisine
little sweet balls of caramel that almost tasted like butterscotch covered with little chocolate sprinkles
and then some fast food…
(laughs)
we then went to a movie
COLD MOUNTAIN
not that i knew anything about it
nor had any interest in it
but mainly that it had Nicole Kidman in it
and i had just seen her in DOGVILLE and been very affected by it.
so
it’s a love story, takes place during the american “Civil War”
blah blah blah
lots of death, terror, torture
the film kinda bothered me in that it relied on SO many Clichés…
but then i remembered why people use clichés…
they are logically the quickest way to get the emotion across
and it made me feel better thinking of Eli’s scripts i’ve read
which have all bothered me for the same reason
but i think now he is just trying to use the tools of his trade as best he can
where i feel it should all be done with strange new confusing clichés… that won’t win me any awards, will it?
stesachoros against homer..
anyway
point is
the story kinda culminates with this message
(anagalous to DOGVILLE, but different)
“the world is filled with terror. love something. and keep living”
bringing in the whole idea of “love” again
where as dogville was more about compassion..
BUT: Purification. and keep on living.
and keep on living.
always a mystery to me why
but on we go and on we go
buying in stories and ….
ugh
anyway
here i am in Rio
and it is dark and grey and rainy
feeling like a fool for not being able to speak any portugese
feeling alien
not wanting to be at this house anymore
not wanting to really be anywhere
both of those movies i just mentioned made me not want to have sex for a long time
(one because of the rape aspect of it, the other because of the real sacredness of keeping it just for love… a concept that is alien to me… but in my romantic ideals… which i hardly ever acess..)
watching movies must be a safe space for me to feel
always has been
and my heart opens up
and
i almost always come out of films overwhelmed by pain and sadness
until enough conversation has put my brain back in the driver’s seat and stifled it til next time
but i really want to deal with it.
so what does that entail?
do throw in the hat?
once again: confusion.
severe unhappiness on levels i won’t even go into
but the fact that i don’t feel i can be loving in situations where beautiful loving people are offering me love
is always frustrating
coupled with re-curring examples of past-manifestations of bad sex and akward situations
i feel like running and hiding
but
of course
there is no where to hide
and i don’t know what to do to clear this muck out of my mind and heart so i can start creating a bright new future…
Hugo and i discussed it at the buss-stop
(my understanding of) his idea
that the world is not to be saved or even helped
but that it is in preparation for the next world
a better world
a type of honing
before stepping into that place…
i just read a discussion topic on Dogville
and it made me feel, yet again, moraly abject
how is it that i lack these simple virtues that i percieve most other humans as having?
a base moral understanding…
a working connection with Emotions (well, that is actually quite rare, but i feel it shouldn’t be)
i want to be a benevolent god
(laughs)
i want other people to come into my life with love and friendship
as i want to visit theirs in the same
but hey
it is good to want things
i guess i am going to get back to trying to figure out where my next food goes
…d