oh, i feel like it has been too long since i have written
and now i am SO TIRED
but i will tatter out some words anyway
there has been so much to say…
first:
You can force it but it will not come
You can taste it but it will not form
You can crush it but it’s always here
You can crush it but it’s always near
Chasing you home
saying
Everything is
broken
Everyone is
broken
You can force it but it will stay stone
You can crush it as dry as a bone
You can walk it home straight from school
You can kiss it, you can break all the rules
All of the rules
But still
Everything is
broken
Everyone is
broken
Everyone is
everyone is
broken
Everyone is,
everything is
broken
Why can’t you forget it?
Why can’t you forget it?
Why can’t you forget it?
(radiohead “planet telex”)
i am staying in this apartment
and everything is broken
the sink is falling in
so that it is tilted
and water puddles…
the front door
all the screws are loose on the nob-panel (??)
and the nob is always pulling out…
all the dresser drawers look like they are made of sawdust
and probably don’t have any tracks left to have fallen off of…
there aren’t Bedets here (did i spell that right? you know the toilet-type things that europeans have that you can sit on that spray water at your butt…, i have seen them elsewhere in brazil, but not in the apartments here) but they have spray-hoses next to the toilets
this one here is leaky
and water pours down onto the floor…
the towels have gone all moldy-smelling from all the dampness…
not that i am complaining
but i have tried to fix ALL OF THESE THINGS
and cannot.
period.
guess you just have to learn to accept sometimes
why can’t i forget it?
i have been sleeping in.
as before. i have been focusing on sleeping a lot.
i wake up and play with the computer
i do yoga.
i rest.
i go out after 2 or 3
because i am so white
and the sun is strong
but today
after 3
the clouds formed a thick goo in the sky
and the rain came down with gusto
still, tonight was my night to go out
i haven’t gone out at all at night yet
so, carnival
tonight!
bear contro
dance party
ran into everyone there i thought i would maybe see…
let’s back-track a little, honey.
i went out to Barra de Tijuca on . . . satyrday?
no, friday.
saw the film DOGVILLE.
have you heard of this yet?
new film by Lars von Trier and his ZENTROPA crew..
great film
really makes one use their imagination
however
it left me the same way FIGHT CLUB did
>> i love the world, but perhaps the best thing for it is Mass Genocide <<
a quote
"perhaps their Best is just not good enough"
now, don't go thinking it is depressing
it is brilliant
and yeah… SAD
i don't think sad things are depressing
just Sad…
they are only depressing if you tend to STUFF all your sadness
(and, believe me, i know how that goes)
if anyone can give me encouraging words
i have lost my faith
i used to believe everything would be OK
now i find myself saying to people
" well, yes… i EXPECT everyone to be dysfunctional. scared. abusive. confused and slightly manipulative. it's just how the world is. still shocking and painful.. but i expect it now"
unfortuneately
i know that the world is
oh, rather
my world is a reflection of my life is a reflection of me
but i cannot blame myself entirely
there is no blame
just notice
aknowlege
going through this great experience…
DOGVILLE, right
so that left me feeling odd
mainly
that i didn't want to have sex again
see, i often put myself out there…
what's the term…
sacrificial lamb…
be as honest as i can… vulnerable, trusting.
i get eaten. i get abused. i get fucked with.
my energy isn't perfect or clear… so it is my own snags comming through
but this movie has so much of that
Grace… being so compassionate and forgiving… extrememely..
and just getting FUCKED all the time
Ah-hem.
so i left it just feeling like that was what sex had been like for far to long
and i just needed to STOP
i went home with the kid i watched it with
feeling all off balance
eating chocolate and Pavé, a desert he had made of meraigne and biscuits
and decided i wanted to see CITY OF GOD
so we got it from blockbuster!
"city of god" is a movie about a ghetto of Rio de Janeiro
it is up for all sorts of awards right now
we rented it on DVD so i could watch it with english subtitles
and it made me feel much happier
the narrator was someone who just couldn't be what was all around him
yet that's what he was
it was a grew show of internal twisting of the self
and a blossoming that came out of that
like the most repressed, crumpled, twisted budd blooming into a gorgeous flower
yeah, Phew
but i couldn't have sex with my friend that night.
OK
the next morning, porn and daddy bears on the cam on the computer was still fine, of course
it didn't have that immediate reality to it
ugh.
then i went to meet this really sweet guy who i met on line
Leo[n]…
we walked around
swam in the ocean
spent a few hours in bed together
and talked A LOT
i slept a lot afterwards
the city was cheering around me…
i've been having nice dreams
sleeping a lot…
or, not really, it just feels like it..
waking up with perhaps enough time to go to the beach
sit and talk with Ed from Ohio/London
feeling a strange pull
and sadness
oh, dominic with his always sadness
and his dumb-god dramatics
we seperate, Ed walks off with is here-boyfriend to their hotel and dance club
and the sky pours down rain
for dominic to walk home in
(which is fine, really, it was a warm rain, and i only had on red-stripped (verticle) speedos and my towel)
right now it will probably be 5am before i drift off…
the rain is comming down again
such a lovely sound
and i have been dancing for a few hours
with the same Leo[n]
who realy likes to dance
and kiss at the same time
and everyone kept saying
"well, what about your boyfriend…"
it feels good to be so cuddly with someone even on a dancefloor
and so many cute guys
all ages, shapes and sizes
this guy and girl
both with really long hair
swinging it all around
both taking turns running their hands over the body of this beautyful black boy
who i then did the same with
and then kissing Leon again..
(laughs)
and meeting the few others that i really wanted to meet here in Rio…
ahh
and the rain is falling
sounds like all around me
and the soft sound of Caetano Veloso singing "Cucurrucucu Paloma" . . .
thinking of my loving friend far away in california
in a veritable paradise i am terrified of
i lay in the dark last night thinking of what i will do
and how to fit my star-shaped peg into so many squre holes..
pin ball bouncing around
up to the north east of brazil?
all the way down to Montevideo, then Buenos Aries…
Hey, could anyone please look through their copy of "AutoBiography of Red" and type out for me Geryon's postcards?
what should i do?
just go to Iguaçú falls and then back to abadiânia and then get the hell out of here?
should i run quick?
back to america, skip NYC even and just hide under the trees?
should i push myself off on an iceburg?
just to let you all know
i am not panicking all the time
but i am lost
the song shifted to this one
i will leave you with this for the night:
"CARAVAN"(blur)
Caravan's lost
In the sun and the dust
No-one loves you
When you are lost
yeah I'm a clown
pulling my world down
I believed I was strong
but you are the song
and when it comes you'll feel the weight of it
the weight of it
The day will come when you get away from it
away from it
sometimes everything is easy
sometimes everything is easy
I tried to quit
But my heart won't buy it
I have got family
The caravan comes back for me
And when it comes you'll feel the weight of it,
The weight of it
And the day will come when you get away from it
Away from it
Sometimes everything is easy
Sometimes everything is easy
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la