gold-mine/trash-pit

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after seeing "the normal heart" last week I was all set to throw myself away
I’m always eager to throw in the towel and jump ship
though some say I’m the most alive person they know (my friend that night actually slapped me in anger at my disregarding my own worth)

but it’s easy often for me to discount any thing
I’m a thief
what’s the worth of anything?
it’s all trinkets
zen
illusion
why care for it?

but silver & diamonds & gold
turned copper, finely perfumed oil
the softest fabrics, the sweetest fruit
came into being from the love of delight
the hard won trials that made beauty
and finer beauty

beauty
love
life
worth fighting for
worth defending

that’s the crux of my problem
–sometimes the crack is small
sometimes it covers the sky
but the soul in me that could turn at any moment
and let it all go
needs to be mastered
seduced
what… what to do?
integrate?
shine the light so bright he is erraticated? eternal light from all angles: no shadows

when I’m trying to understand The World
I root down in it, connect my root chakra with it
I’m so frightened and angry
I see too much destruction, lying, abuse, exploitation
I want to trust and love
but there Is "bad"
there is the Evil, the Blackness
omnipresent as Love is
I can’t be either alone
but the balance swings so heavy…

how to feel like a warrior, then
not an agent of either/or
but one who makes a choice to live the struggle
participate in the wrestling
there is no rest
I’ve made that choice already

what to do with "rest" anyway?
(nothing! let it be done!)

"nothing" is not a living option

I have to decide to defend, fight, protect, cherish, nurture
every fucking minute I’m awake enough to do it

of course
just a laborious declaration

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:.: