I feel I’m stuck on the surface
only seeing the skin of people
never knowing their feelings
I imagine most people sit with each other
in each other’s emotions
feeling eachother
knowing the inner flows of who they are with
perhaps no one does
perhaps that’s just another misunderstanding I have about life
in my long long list of confusions
am I so stupid?
how am I to know anyone?
I said to Leo:
I’m finding it so difficult to let go of you
and realize my fear and pain is knowing he’s already let go of me
he can let go of everything
but Jesus
and himself
…
I know nothing
we spent the evening, three hours, going through a box of photographs
he has three such boxes
half of the pictures were of tge chapel and house
and all the other churches
I feel such a fool
knowing him ten years and never knowing
the most important part of his life has always been church
a type of play-acting I can never take seriously
but is The Most Real to him
with me he’s always shared his hedonism
which I found, frankly, lacking
I knew his wine and food and lust
the rest we didn’t connect on
I’m horrified that I was a boy toy
a child
I’ve always wanted a Daddy, a Mentor
a teacher who cared about my inner being and would sculpt me thus
somehow correct my misshapen soul
but he didn’t care to
can anyone care that much?
is that what a guru is for?
is that what a cult leader is for?
is that what I’m here for?
can’t I steady my hand
write everything
write
put everything into words always
make sense of it
make clear sense of it
most of my sayings are stammering
I looked through a box of photos with him three hours
his life
his lonely mis spent life
his Life
his Human Life
his successes
his silliness
the beauties he created
and walked away from…
it doesn’t add up
why work so hard
and just leave it all?
what is it for?
ah, that’s life and death.
I know I know
but shut the fuck up.
WHY ?
why live? why struggle?
why so hard, so long
so fleetingly…
I can’t let go of him
I want to capture him all in words
I never had him
only a glimpse of him
He kicked me out!
how can it be in the last few days I am allowed to be with him
I’m learning more about Jim than I ever did before?
he never told me
i never could have known…
oh
i wish to know some one…
I wish I could be friend’s with him twenty years ago
grow old with him
have fun…
I wish I could know all the men
all the faces I see
all over the Internet, the apps, the subway, out the car window
I want to be close with them
know them fully
ease their loneliness
mine!
without being loved
known
I am nothing!
lovers are the pins that hold me to earth
hold me together
all of us…
we’re crashing, dissipating
how can we stop ?
look into eachother’s eyes eternally
and fully know one another?
i just want to be fully known
to be honest
have it all said
let it all go…
remembering all the events
and forgetting them
one last time…
.iP