I’ve gone through the gamut to get to gratefulness

I’ve gone through the gamut to get to gratefulness
but tonight
that is what I feel

I am grateful that Leo is well now
same old Leo
but for less hours a day
he cooks
he eats
I read to him
he sleeps
we drink some wine
this is what we do
it’s how he is

and soon will I have to wipe is chin? his ass?
put a pillow over his face?

I have to let him have his death

by the time we got here I was already hating him
Venus retrograde
all those old grievances
everything he said was in defense
slight insults

tired
traveling
I got up here and all I saw was the neglect
the filth
oh! what depth the neglect!

yesterday I felt disgust
I felt horrible
and when I lay down in bed I could not sleep
just like the last week in NYC
I was very unsettled
and played with my devices til 1 am
trying to write. unable to start. trying to watch tv/movie. unable to engage. not horny, but turning to porn to distract my mind… which worked
and I tried to keep it spinning with SD for a while… eventually came and used it as the common exit into sleep
I woke tired and achy
still a bit pissy
but that quickly faded
I came again to the same thing later in the day
and cleaned the place up a bit
eventually finding compassion and appreciation

to have this time
to
interview him
to see and listen

so it has been these many months
going through anger at/with him
letting it go
compassion
love
gratitude

I don’t even feel this writing is necessary now
of course I want to record everything
hold on to the scraps of him

but I must sleep

.iP