so, what’s happening?

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so, what’s happening?

everything is a success
life is moving along wonderfully
there are beasts with teeth in all the shadows
but so it goes
and how goes it?

Last year I flew to Indiana
to have a few days there on my own
in a rental car
old friends
and daddy bears
then to surprise my mother on her 60th birthday
at her work
she didn’t know I was there

I forgot her birthday this year
and so
she was very ill
my mind’s in pieces

my best friend is dying
BFF
.

I went to Ireland last year with my mother
brother, sister
we were there a week
I was the hero of her story
my siblings weren’t so enthralled

I intended to make a book of some of the thousand pictures I took
I couldn’t seem to focus on it
keep my hands on the keyboard
and off myself

I returned and drove upstate with two bitchy old queen alcoholics
Lake George
the colours were spectacular
their psyches like mosquitoes

I returned and set about planning my next trip:

return to Ireland on my own
rent a house
or flat
stay a month..

oh
the over to Berlin to stay at Patrick’s new place
for a month

yeah
then down to Cairo
to stay at the beddouin’s

um
Home?

I was learning about home
of course
a friend
who used to be a lover
and has never been a good friend
pointed out my flaw to me

it only took a few days of mulling that
that I instead decided to have a new Adventure
and not leave Home
Stay Home
be Grounded

I am a character obsessed by transformation
I have
forever
wanted to burst forth
with wings

I keep crawling
that’s what it is
the tedious pace of the quotidian

but that was exciting
some door opening
more opportunities
unearned
just present to
no great progress on the front of love
happily, or not, settling into the mundane

I was speaking with one of my house sitters last night
admitted that one of my Goals had been to learn to choose

in that
most of my life I’ve merely acted in what was available
and had little control to stop myself
Nafs

if there was a chocolate bar
have to eat it all in just one sitting
entire pint of ice cream
all doritos and dr pepper childhood
take what was available

in my years of living rural
I was at peace
for lack of options
but when I came into the cities
I would gorge myself on my desires
pizza, sex, gelato…

I had forgotten
but noticed last night
I rarely eat pizza now
though I still love it
and often have uneaten pints of gelato in my freezer

the lust is wearing off

I’m hoping this will allow the concentration to birth the fruits of my imaginations and passions

I was settling into studying music with my manic mystic
teaching yoga with my bears
and following my pace through my days

all interrupted by death
so I got back from Lake George last year October 19th
though I had other plans
Leo has always been the top of my SpeedDial
ever since I had one
He’s not just a Daddy Bear
he’s my Father Figure
my Father
Father Leo+

I flew out, today, the day after my full year of not traveling

well
only one-day car trips
sleepovers
never away more than a night

now I’ll be gone for many months
at the Hermitage
walking the ghost
Ireland… Berlin… Cairo…
Kelseyville

I have no idea what this will be like
I hope I learn how to cry
I hope I write his memoirs
I hope I follow his soul to see where it goes

I imagine starting my own business
Thanatos Inc
come be with you while you’re dying
record your life
or just help you let go of it

ah
anyway
the plane doors are opening now
time to step into the light

.iP