I’m going to try to say it

I’m going to try to say it
this way
or

being in houses where the love has died
stalks around like a zombie
devouring every ungaurded spark

Yes, children: this is why you are taught fear and protection
from the unborn souls of lovers who only have animosity between them
Ghouls who haunt darkened rooms
lovers who never learned how to make love
but their actions create only an emptiness
a negative love that eats your heart

darling…

we went into the forest
imagining ourselves a force of nature
siding with nature as if to give ourselves purpose
calling ourselves little fleshy tornadoes
throwing our soft bodies agaist that fallen tree
you told me you were eternally 23
or could you drop the 3?
I just wanted to climb and enjoy
you were obsessed with destruction
making your mark on the world in the easiest way
take a bite out of life

rend asunder

he comes across again
hadn’t seen him in two years
since then
I’ve learned about Capricorns
(remember: everytime yIu think yIu Know something, yIu better look again)
he says he’s learned that he’s bi-polar
which I’d always known about him, really
but he’s switched drugs again
heavier than he’s ever been
(still, I have no idea how people gain seventy pounds…)
under control now
he seems as manic as he’s always been
maybe I just do that to him?
like all my capricorns
I have to pry him off

but it’s nice to see him again
I guess

coming to some clear perception
about how I have no trouble having sex with guys in relationships
but I hate being a mistress
I don’t care how hot I am
or great or smart or beautiful
you can’t just use me for that
and not be my friend

oh
you can if you pay me
then it’s just me violating my contract
wanting more than I’m being offered…

why does my heart come out in situations like these?
the vacume draws it out?
so attractively made the unattainable?

i want to
give it as a reason
I don’t want to be your lover
I don’t want to be your mistress
I want to be your friend
invite me over for cocktails
bring me to the opening
love me in front of your friends and family
(here I go again)

how do I fit into your story?
with all the others
you’ve known since I was in diapers?
” well, I met him at a sex party/
on-line in a moment of dirty lust
we didn’t do much talking before we were inside eachother
he’s a perfect distraction from my own firmament,
Charles, you, Mother, He’s…”

(she said:
” There are Two Things missing in my life:
Love and Money
if I could Steal them
maybe i’d be
Happy.”
)

violent
nerdy
ugly man
ill fitting clothes
hands (neck, chest) covered in tattoos
right wrist: Father; left: Mother
a dragon’s mouth underneath
I would rub your sad little bald head
if you wouldn’t bite my hand off
– you look at me with those puppy-dog eyes

up in those trees
swaying in the wind
wet bark under my feet
fortie miles from the ground
find the right angle to saw the threads
holding on those broken branches
pushing them down
butting my queer shoulder to it
breaking the dead ones
bare toes playing with the sap
there was some terrible pain in me

the iron blade against the faerie flesh?
the human body easily broken by the fall?
the loneliness so far away
in the arms of a great old strong lover
body all snapped into pieces
unable to give me solace nor comfort
no task able but to help him in his decline
I…
completed the mission
and worked my way down
that terrible horror
beating in my breast
Awake Now

it’s just the way I feel now
rubbing his body
how could I ever make anyone else ever feel any better
I’m so broken!
how can I heal!
i know
i know…
but what does he really want?

old man on the phone tells me about his lovers
the one he’s been with 48 years
the one he’s been with 10
the one he’s been with 10 years
three muskateers
and the man taking care of his mother

and that Spanish one from Paris
met his first trip to Europe
partnered to a wealthy Parisian
who only wanted his boy to be happy
a man of many skills
and languages
a good heart
came to America and moved in
and still inherited the fortune
and the apartment in Paris

well, I said, my life is blessed, but not like that
I launched into my story
and got lost somewhere in there
coming upon the stumbling block of my failed heart
my fouled body
no idea where my future will go
no innocence left to buy a Gepetto
just my stubborn naïvety
to push through my insane hopes
into forbidden landscapes
I cannot see clearly
story lost in the dark…

still, I have the ability to keep telling it
to see it while it’s happening
by the million different lights that fall upon it
I can tell it
eventually
it will be told

little boys
living in
man-bodies
I see their faces on the trains
skin grown thick
but a ball cap on
trying to look tough
or fly
Danny said I’m growing into my Man Body
“you used to have such a boy body!” he said, “are you just going to let yourself get big?”
as I grow up
I can only hope the increase of my inner-size expands my body
and not just the common bloating from lonliness and fear of feeling all the things I don’t want to deal with

I hope I can meet it all
and eat it
and digest it well
and grow up big and strong
solid
complete
I only hope…

.iP