a few months ago
I went to the 9th Avenue Saloon
and sat down across from a guy on the corner
I forget his name
-we’ll call him Hank-
He talks to me every time I go in there
we aren’t really a match
between us was a cute bear
I can no longer remember his face specific
just blurry bar light
we were all talking
I like this bar
I don’t find it cruisy
always interesting fellas
good conversations with strangers
this night
cute-bear-guy asks me what I do
talk talk talk
I ask him
he says “I’m a drunk. I drink too much. want to come home with me?”
I’d never hooked up in this bar
but really needed a cuddle on thus particular night:
this was the night before I erased my escort ad, which had only been up a half year
and I never liked how it felt
a bear had been over at my house
amateur stand up comedy bear
who felt mostly like neurotic self-loathing chubby Jewish guy
and made me feel frustrated and tired
he gave me a ride down to a John in Hell’s Kitchen
and when I hit there he was terrifyingly HIV meds skinny, bulging eyes and veins
and wanted a bareback-fuck daddy/boy rape scene
he went to the kitchen to pour me a glass of left me in a room with HBO’s Hung on
and I freaked out and told him I had to go
he called me ten minutes later and asked me to explain myself
then yelled at me
how rude and unprofessional
yes: that’s who I am
I was feeling shakey.
so I went to The Saloon to unfurl and assess myself
it was the only night I went home with someone
I remeber his body in the dim light
he was round, soft, but strong
too drunk to do anything
he flaided around a few scenarios
passed out and snored
I cuddled up
didn’t sleep well
but felt very dear
comfort
protection
safety in the darkness
a sweetness
in the morning I got his number
but haven’t seen him since.
I just txt’d him
but he’s uptown at a friends superbowl party
so I’m heading home
there may be a hot guy from Brooklyn waiting to get his dick sucked when I get there
we’ll see
Went to the Saloon tonight with my friend Tony
I don’t see him often
but our meeting was magical
in Brazil and Oregon
so I’m always happy to have him in my life
addicted as I am to novelty
we didn’t really play around today
we’d just cone from eating a 5 napkin Burger
they Were pretty damn good…
before that
we’d seen Ethan Hawk and a few other 80’s film stars (Martha Plimpton!) do a bunch of readings from Sam Shepard pieces
Ethan loves him
and has been directing his plays lately
the readings were interesting
some not so good
which made the others even better
which is a good combination
questions afterwards
I said
“it seems Sam isn’t that interested in actually portraying humans, but in represting the essence of humanity through characters that are soecifically Not Real, but studies and exaggeration”
and the talking went on
is that how some fiction works?
it’s all writing to understand reality, right?
do the Mæstros know what they’re doing the whole way through?
before that
Tony woke me at 11
and took me to Queens
to Spa Castle
third friend I’ve brought here in two months…
it was very mellow today
there were some beautiful men there
it always does me good to see naked people
Russian man with balls hanging down mid-thigh
the beautiful gigantic Dominican man, so dark, a wild beast
made it clear, again, my attraction to bears and beasts are tied:
men like this aren’t simply human
they are monsters
beautiful
centaurs, minotaurs…
I gave out my cards
talked to some beautiful chassidic Jews
tickled one
imagined kissing him
such a face!
sweat, stretched, detoxed, rested
so nourishing
walking into the saloon tonight
a beautiful old Frenchman I want to go home with
I don’t think he does that
I imagine his hood…
saw a guy I’ve had sex with
but not in about a year
he’s so beautiful
cute face
beautiful belly
and everything else
standing with a friend of his
who was also coming on to me
made me so lusty
I’ve been lusty all day!
I even wanted Tony’s friend
such warm hands
with the sun in them
just back from Florida…
home now
now what?
.iP