these last few days

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these last few days
such feelings of sacred attention
gratitude
clear intentions

to hold a glass of water
if course
to fill it with praise and intention
drink a healing brew
then, there
to feel my whole body activated with power and love
wholeness

slow yoga
full embodiment
powerful
honest
slow
present
full

already
today it’s fading

pushing flesh in the clinic
I stare at the skin twisting in my fingers
stare at the white walls
wire with glass baubles on it
and feel a missing for it already
-where did my presence go?
now I just feel sleepy

and skip emotions
to two weeks ago
months
at least two months
feeling…
feeling si sensitive and so strong
tears at every finely crafted phrase in the book
songs by kids
preceeding protection by their grandfather for their siblingly
intercourse
crying
scared by it
but so grateful to have a full spectrum of feelings
all of them so affective

oh
that’s gone too…

am I left with nothing?
being left with…

and passing past that thought
walking through the cold rain
for a moment of passion with a beautiful married man
to rest my head upon his chest
and listen to him tell stories of the intimacies and live he has with
his own children
how beautiful they are
how they trust him
know that he loves them in all full ways
practical
supportive
compassionate

and he learned to be such a good dad by flipping his own father’s loving
every corner his father cut on him
he gave to his kids a full plate
and they know it
they feel it

I feel it eminate from his chest

and I imagine my own brother as a father
the struggles he has against my dad
what an example to push off

and me
my Gemini love affair with myself
my ability to be a lover for myself
my own father and son
so yet undependable
letting down all my poor boy friends
siding too much with my wounds
and not with the healer

as she said today
I have the potential
it is a gift
as he said
it’s a lot of work

and worth all the effort

.iP