description of HERE and stories of Then.

Yeah… even with a digital roaming package
i’m shocked at how much data is being transfered
i paid $20 for 20 Megabites
at their regular international roaming rate
it’d be $20 a megabite if i hadn’t.
even saying that, i used 1 MB in ten minutes yesterday
so i shut off the roaming and am using the copious free wifi spots around the city

the city…

i came here when i was 8
my parents took me to Niagara falls with my brother, sister, and our neighbor friends
the parents and their kid

i remember the falls
it was the first time i’d ever heard an “asian”
i don’t know which… maybe chinese
i just remember turning to my mom and saying
‘it sounds like their voice is a tape recorder being played very fast in reverse”

we drove to toronto for an early dinner
my parents found a nice little cafe/bar thing
we all sat down and ordered beers (cokes for us), hotdogs and hamburgers
fries

little kids
i punched the neighbor in the shoulder
calling him a “faggot”

we said that all the time
but my mother shusssssed me.
why?

the neighbor dad laughed and said “we’re in a gay bar!”

it was an accident, of course
my parents were terrified
but here we were. . .

up til then
i’d only ever heard of fags
never knew they actually existed
like criminal mastermines, demons who seduce, communists!
i’d heard of the faliciy and danger of their existance
but never knew they were REAL

here we were in a den of iniquity

i turned around and saw some guy in tight jeans and a mustache sitting at the bar
eye contact
he smiled at me
and i spun back around
“Mom, i gotta go to the bathroom”
she said i couldn’t
but i insisted
she relented, but told me not to talk to anyone
… or touch the soap.

when i arrived yesterday
i was exhausted
standard for me: not sleeping while i’m traveling
i jumped off the airport shuttle bus down at the water’s edge
and thought about taking the ferry to wherever it would go
only $6.50, maybe i could see the city well from that perspective?

but the city looked too small to bother seeing from a distance like that
and i was honestly too tired to go tramping about on an island i knew nothing about
when i had this whole city to tramp around in

honestly
i was seduced by the people on the hill

there were two gentle slopes by the ferry port
with people laying half-clothed all over them in the sun

i joined them.
my body melted in the sun
and i napped for a half hour or something
when i woke
snapped some pictures
and i was shocked by the dandelions and clover in the grass
i kept wondering what was so odd about it…
and realized that most everywhere in the USA they spray the shit out of all the lawns
“sterilize it” in our weird puritanical way
all the little clover tops looked beautiful
i took a picture
and got dressed
headed on to walk through the city

i was quite shocked by all the people once i passed the freeway
the two blocks before i suspected Toronto was just like any other city in the midwest:
former glories now abandoned to the suburbs
(by the ferry port, there were signs for things, stands, a box office… all abandoned in the shoddiest of ways)
but when i crossed under the freeway there were THRONGS
of all colors and languages too
i wondered if they were coming from a parade?
it was about 4pm… i guess they were just coming from work
and there were some really beautiful buildings
the huge older ones
and even some of the more contemporary architecture was fascinating to look at

there were hot dogs stands everywhere, like in new york
but here there was about 10 condiments laid out with little spoons in them (wouldn’t fly in germ-paranoid US) and five choices of dogs (beef, veggie, polish, italian, german)
and “cold pop”
POP!
i got an italian sausage and put a few things on it (spicy)
being sleep deprived i was afraid it would make me tired
but didn’t.

i wandered up Yonge street mostly
til i got to Dundas square
then walked through the little university
then over the church…

i know it’s Pride time
but this is really an amazing gayborhood
it knocks The Castro out of the water as far as i’m concrned
all of these bars as shops so close to eachother
for many blocks
flags everywhere
huge painting of cowboys holding hands

i found myself shocked to glee
peered into various bars
and saw a big bare belly through the bars of the black eagle
so popped in and chatted with the three people in there (including the bar-tender)
the hairy one told me about the place:
it has a grand-fathered law that allows it to have a legal functioning “back room”
i took a tour
it was HUGE!
and another upstairs bar and outside patio for smoking
i was going to hurry on, because i was pretty sure my friend Steve had arrived (it was almost 6)
but he offered to buy me a drink, so i thought to stay and chat.

he told me that the bar i went to as a kid was probably Buddies and… (something) up on Bloor. it’s closed now, turned in a Hotel.
that makes more sense.
i couldn’t imagine how my parents could have NOT known this was a gay neighborhood…
but 20 years ago it was probably very different
up on Bloor it wouldn’t have looked so gay, not even now i’m sure it doesn’t

surely enough
half way through my drink, Steve called
(with sleep deprivation i went for a Vodka-Redbull… but got a cheaper pre-mixed version called “REV”)
so i was all hopped up and loose when i got to the hotel

we spent quite a few hours in bed
went out to eat (he lives up north in the North West Territories, 800Kms north even of Yellowknife)
and is a meat an potatoes guy
we had Thai in new york, he’d never had that before (i think he’s in his 60s? late 50s… something)
we had Shawarma here and he was shocked by all the spices in it
it was burning in his mouth
i offered him my Ayran, because milk cuts spice better than water (which often makes it worse)
and he balked at the sour taste

i’m a culinary adventeror too… i’m always surprised at this
but he was alright (except for some pain he was having in his nuts because he’d not emptied them when we were playing before)
we walked around a bit
i love the blend of upscale shopping
next to lowly discount places
next to huge strip club/whore house looking places
next to a mall, next to a public square

all of that shit is ghettoized in the US
isn’t it?

it seems so different here

after living in NY
everything everywhere else seems so small
and not real, somehow, like a stage set
and though i had this feeling for a while here
it very quickly fit itself over me like a comfy shirt
i’m very enamoured with the city.

back at the hotel
we played some more
(being a good friend, i helped him relieve his excess tensions)
and they lay in bed and talked

i was quite surprised
— many times in my life i’ve heard people say to me
“i’ve never told anyone this before”
but i don’t remember the last time i ever said that

til last night.

he asked many good questions that got me on a role
and i told many stories
he asked me if i loved my dad (then everyone in my family)
then asked me to explain my loving

it was all really fascinating for me to have someone actually be attentive and interested
.. if anyone is actually reading this
know that i am like most modern americans
in that i feel isolated, lonely and unloved most of the time
i put so much of myself out here
because i don’t have anyone in my every day life who i feel actually cares

why waste a good human life? express it!
even to stranges
even to the wind
even to empty electrons shoved through wires for millions and billions of miles
around we go.

the night before i left for toronto
i had a date with a friend
an “old friend” i’ve known now for about 7 years
a friend i love
but who often makes me feel
not even that i’m secondary to him
but maybe down on the 7th rung, when he can get around to it
i’ve had to just accept it
and vow not to waste my heart on it, him
stopped calling him (which he never returns anyway)
stopped emailing him, or following his own calls from isolation he puts out on the net
but he invited me out to see something we’d both enjoy
i emailed him on sunday
i called him early on monday (we were supposed to spend the day together then go see a show)
i didn’t know where the show was, or when it started
and my internet was down
so i couldn’t even quickly look it up
my iPhone i so slow
… when i did finally look it up
there were two performances that night
so i had no idea

other people were calling me asking to see me
clients and sex dates
AND i had tons of stuff to do before going

didn’t hear from him til an hour and a half before show time
and by that time i was so frustrated i just HATED him
which is why we broke up
which is why we’re not friends now
he says he loves me
then disregards me
until i get so angry, feel so lonely and unloved, that i hate myself for falling for it again
then hate him

not a good way to feel

so when he finally did call, i was doing the dishes (deciding i would just start getting done all the things i needed to do (after i had a client)
and gave some pathetic lame ” i was sleeping, sorry ” at 6:15pm

i, again, don’t remember the last time i said this
but i felt completely dis-respected
i seethed around the apartment for a half hour
even if i left when i got the message
i would have been late to see the show
and i wasn’t ready anyway

i threw my shit together and ran out the door
but was so pissed off
i couldn’t imagine enjoying the show
and knew it was no good to blow up at him
and didn’t even want to communicate with him
what good would it possibly do?
hopefully it would hurt him more, teach him a lesson (all that hurt kid stuff)
if i just let him swallow the price of the wasted ticket
go to the show alone
and suffer his own feelings of wrong-doing
not enjoying his time ON HIS OWN
fuck him.

. . .

as i layed telling steve about this
after talking about my frustrations of my life entire right now
how i have so many desires that i’m not doing
just wasting my time, mostly
70% wasting life for me right now
so many things……..
i noticed that AFTER i got all pissed off at this guy on monday
and called him (of course he didn’t answer!) and told him i wasn’t coming down
(tried not to be mean, but was a bit, and just sounded stupid because i was so angry and hurt)
i went back to my apartment and launched into WORK

i tromped out in the forest and planted some plants
i came back and oiled my shoes
cut some leather to make more colorful tongues for them
viewed all the photos from the walk
selected through the 400+
tagged, described and uploaded them
packed, cleaned
did laundry

often, for days and days and days
things i HAVE to do… or Should do… or Want to do
all just sit around undone (while i wank or play video games of some sort)
but all of this anger pushed me up to emergence
was it just the anger?
or the hours and hours of walking the day before as well?

when i went to sleep at 6am i felt better
but am concerned
should i harness anger more to get things done?
that’s what i did as a teenager.
.
.

but back to what i meant to say!
i don’t remember the last time i said “i’ve never told this to anyone”
and in the pains of talking about all my lovers, failed loving, etc
to Steve
i told him a story i’d never told before.

when i was in 5th grade (i think it was)
my worst year in grade school
there was a girl i really liked
i think her name was Maryanne (or Marion?) (or something else)
and i felt odd that i didn’t have a girl friend
so i wrote her a note asking if she’d be my girl friend

she and her friends had a good laugh over it
and she told me No in a note back

i felt crushed
but at that point in my life
i was crushed all the time
so i sat at my desk (while i should have been paying attention or something)
and wrote notes to Every Girl in my class
asking them to be my girl friend

they all said No.

(it feels worse to write that in the light of day, alone in a room. i feel like i want to cry. last night i was talking about so many painful things i didn’t notice it so much, it was embarrassing… but not so painful.)

no where really to go after that
my throat is still sore from talking so much last night
but i slept well

my friend likes TV a lot
as most men who live isolated do
most people
so he woke me up with the news this morning

but i slept well
still tired, groggy
“waking up and getting up have never been easy”
he’s out now trying to get his phone fixed
now that i’ve written this all out
i’ll go find him.