Wow
that feels good..
hold that a moment
hold that
put it in your heart
and let it melt there
flavouring the whole thing.
I got back to California a week ago.
Leo and i went out to the coast
and back and forth and back and forth…
from city to mountain to shore
to wedding to shore
to mountain
somewhere in those long drives
conversations came up
there was a placid destructive anger in me
speaking of my lover, my friend
the bastard leo-snake beauty my heart was so burned by
i spoke of wishing him ill
over chinese food i detailed over and over
trying not to
but just wanting to hurt him
such anger
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhu
today
back on the mountain
i am going through old files
from Leo’s computer
that litterally went up in smoke yesterday
pictures from ICUII, a camera-chat program
and last year, in the spring
that Robert found me there
as if in a forest, sneaking up behind me
“Psssst…Hello”
looking at his face
his words of love
his smiles
his eyes
seeing even Trevis in there
(the boy i ran from for him)
seeing the love
and i didn’t WANT to
but i tipped
felt the precarious edge
and fell
back in love
before i could do anything about it
i giggled
(!)
and then could look at his face with love!
i’m looking at his face with love
and
imagine him at his home now
busy with whatever he’s doing
finding some scrap of me
(there are so many)
and hastely trying to get it out of sight
and maybe it’s hitting him too
stopping him between cigarette puffs
“ahh, i love him”
i won’t know now
but my heart feels good to imagine it.
i extended past that
before even writing this
and thought of Eli
who i’ve had similar angers about recently
the same
the same.
think of him is painful
my heart aches
but there is love
and it pours over it,
soothing…
the root of love
is in our loves
our lovers
all our pasts and futures
and we have to forgive over and over and over again
we can do nothing but
for in anger
we still love them
and the intimacy brings biting and nashing
pain begetting pain
here
in love
forgive
kiss
heal
rest
i love you
and thank you
and more and more
yet again
i will remember the task i set upon myself in your name:
i will be a better lover for this world needs lovers
i will help re-create this world in love.