sex is my poison, sex is my cure
i wanted to wake up early
write all day
but i didn’t
and though my massage date was at 1
i got a call at 11 something
waking me from my lulling in bed
asking if we could meet at 15:00
and because i was so tired
when he sayd
“oh, and only an hour, alright? you’re expensive”
i was too tired to comment
but as i woke up and started doing things
i was very angry
fucker
€100 isn’t enough to pay how long i’m staying here
and i could have just stayed down in Andalucia
we’d talked for a month!
he should have fucking known!
i asked to make sure he was alright with the price last week… or two weeks ago
fucker!
i needed to get my turkish visa as well
so i was looking up that on line
and sorting through open computer shit
mess
i went out into the city to get some money exchanged
hoping i could get up to the turkish embassy before meeting the client
but couldn’t find a place open to change the money
except the tourist change places
who’s rates absolutely sucked
and by this time
it was too late to take the train up to the embassy anyway
so i just walked down
walked around
got a slice of emapanada
then went to meet him
i decided i would tell him that if he wouldn’t pay me for a full session
i wouldn’t work on him at all
because i didn’t want to work on him angry
he declined
good
fuck him anyway
goddamnit
i walked around
got on the train
went up to the embassy
which was closed
and now what the fuck am i going to do?
i decided i would go back to the Hotel and write
but then no
i flipped a coin
and went to Sauna Principe
walked over
walked in
some beautiful men
some sad
the situation..
sucking
playing around
no fucking today, no, thanks
but damn
this big furry guy
so much like my brother
scary
but he was really cute
and continually overwhelmed
i guess i kinda like that dynamic
but it makes me feel good
“you are SO beautiful…”
yeah, am i in the wrong place?
now what?
i met this really hot man
thick and beefy
smooth
thick dick
lived here
and in Mallorca
we played for a long time
separated
then just came back together again for more cuddling and play
exchanged numbers and email addresses
a chubby boy
very shy
asked me where Leo was?
how beautiful he was
but he couldn’t talk to him
— i gave him my address so we could be in touch
and i’d had enough
so i took off
it was the going time after all
but it was good
the sex i had here today was what i needed
mostly only been having sex with Antonio for a few days
this rush of many men reminded me of something:
though sex is a compulsion, an addiction.. a necessity like eating
it is my poison
but it is my cure
the chase is adventure
and the culmination is a ritual
all these men today
the force of the orgasm threw me into a higher awareness of myself
each load of cum burst in my throat or over my belly
shocked my being and brought me more fully into reality
and when i came
i was able to wrap my body around that rush
that flow
and ride it
surf it
use it
to change myself
having sex with the best guy i had sex with today
the big smooth guy
i was able to force open my heart
it was like a breaking
it was a flushing
a washing
i was able to blow the shit out of there and allow energy to flow through it again
then connect it to the rest of me while we cuddled
both of us in an actualized state
sure
we’ll not be lovers
though i hoped he’d invite me home
i always hope everyone could be a lover
but never expect it
hope. fingers.
the number he gave me didn’t work
i called him when i left and reached some woman
it was night outside
i was supposed to meet up with some other guy who wanted me to fuck him
but when i called him
he was very far away
some tragedy with his sister
this always happens
ok
fine
i walked home
and got on the internet for a while
talked with Eli
this is what i told him about today:
i’m out of the flow… my life mainly works. it always works. miraculously… there have been times when it doesn’t work.. and when it doesn’t work… NOTHING FUCKING WORKS. out of the flow. lost somewhere in a dead-end alley… or a fucking cornfield.. or something… but that’s where i am.
i left Andalucia.. which is beautiful, btw, to come up to Madrid last night because i had a massage client here… he booked about a month ago. €200 would have really been great… i haven’t made any money since i’ve been here, right… so i get here today… and he cancels…
i could have been naked in the sun and staying for free with various people…
but now i’m in a big city where no one will put me up for free and i’m payin €32 a night to stay in a hostel…
so i was sad to begin with…
and this “not in the flow thing” has been happening for about a week… it’s escalating
wanted to write all day… but i slept late and had this massage client… who then canceled… so i headed off to get my turkish visa.. but they had just closed… so i walked around the city… went to a sauna… did yoga. sweat. rolled around and got all sweaty with spanish guys.
walked through the city. got icecream. came back to the Hostal
….
i talked with him til late
went out shortly to get something to eat, but just moved like a zombie
couldn’t bring myself to go to the bar again, didn’t want to
just came back to the hostel and got on the computer…
went to sleep some stupid hour
3 or 4 or something
sometimes
impossible to be good to myself.