43.5 i wanted to be a pretty girl

i recorded a video in the afternoon… out in my bed, the wind billowing the mosquito net. i had about fifteen minutes until dinner was ready… i was kinda in a rush, but i wanted to film in the day… i wanted to tell this story… but i became increasingly uncomfortable while telling it… and after dinner, i drove down town to work on a client… while driving, i thought of how i regretted what i said… and it’s uploading at the house… will be posted… and people will be angry… and this is why Trans people attacked me so many years ago…i’m really not a great ally… or maybe it’s not about that… i felt bad for saying “people can never change” or the likes of that… though people are changing all of the time… can we really change who we are? sure we can… i’ve learned how to be a very different person than who i was as a teenager… at least, i look different, i value different things, i respond to things differently… but i still have a lot ov thee same thoughts and feelings… i just give them a lot less energy and time… many of them never get expression because i no longer value them… but they are still there. i’m still that person, i’m just living that person differently. – – – and that may not be true. i don’t know. i was listening to Sharon Salzberg’s “Real Love” on the drive down and she was talking about stories… the stories we believe in that we need to check into and see if they are still real, still true… and how true are they? it’s often surprised me that people have told me i have a bad relationship with my feminine nature… my inner feminine, whatever you want to call it. but i’ve heard it so many times from so many different people that i have believed it and pathologized it… when i decided to see myself as a woman a few weeks ago… i was shocked at the self loathing it brought up… i was not prepared to deal with that and did my best to just let it slide and move by it.. but that’s like keeping silent to siding with the oppressor, right? same kinda thing… i was so taken-aback… so knocked off kilter… i couldn’t believe how un-graceful i took it… and it is something that can be worked with … seen and felt clearly… and at least accepted and perhaps the persective chan shift… most importantly, it’s something i don’t yet know how to deal with. it’s been an imbalance for a long time… and i find that it still is… and maybe now i will begin working on it in earnest… maybe now some useful tools will appear that i can use to … what is the word? fix it? balance it? heal it? i don’t know. it falls into other stories i don’t know how to change… “i’m bad at picking friends and lovers””i’ve never had a healthy relationship””i can’t write a book” “i could never have a job …” stuff we think and feel… i’ve certainly diffused some of the horrible death bombs in my mind and heart through my life… i suppose its good to know there are more left to work on… – – – anyway: i was happy to see when i got back that a few people had responded to the video very positively. it’s not a finished tale… and that’s ok. thank you.