i woke up at exactly 3:33 this morning
i remember i was having some dream that i can’t recal now
but i remember the feeling of cold
and the positivity that someone had come into the apartment
and was going to obliterate me
i didn’t call out
it was hot
and sweaty
i was sticking to the sheets
i woke with a start and looked up and saw the clock on the cable box read 3:33
and i lay down
trying to convince myself to go back to sleep
but a voice in my head told me this was deathly important
and i better not ignore it
i had no idea what it was
it was Fear
the voice made clear
Fear of what?
i tried to say
it was nothing
but i suddenly felt cold
felt deathly cold
a shiver
i got up to turn off the fan
and looked down the hall
looked down the hall into the darkness
at the figure standing just inside the threshold from the door
i stared into the dark
and the dark
it stared back
i told myself it was stupid
it said to go get the black sheet and wrap myself in it
it’s SO HOT
i lay down
and shivered
so so so cold
i told myself it wasn’t cold
and there was nothing to fear
what is fear?
just the fear of the unknown
just the fear of death
and i didn’t need to fear that
and it wasn’t cold
and there was no one
nothing in this apartment that was going to get me
going to obliterate me
but i was very scared
and very cold
i pulled the sheet around me
10 thoughts on “3:33”
Anonymous
Hey, when I used to live in NYC, once I went to a darkness meditation at Meditation Module on E. 23rd. They present a different Osho meditation every week, and I just checked–this Friday (8/10) is a darkness meditation. Hmmmm.
It is a beautiful way to confront the darkness. It is silent and done in a light proof room. It starts out with wild dancing, then staring into a strobe light without blinking, then seated for one hour in total can’t-see-a-finger-in-front-of-my-face darkness. Totally scarey beautiful. If you are curious check http://www.meditationmodule.com/schedule.htm.
Love. Michael.
runawaytoday in reply to Anonymous
this sounds amazing.
ednixon
The sultry look in the orange hotpants is super-bad.
baby….
winstonthriller
My late sister and I used to have night terrors like this when we were children. We slept in separate rooms, but the terrors would always happen to us both in the same night. I would feel like someone was watching me–almost like I was wrapped up in a blanket or something, with no sounds or air moving around me. Maureen felt like whe was being dragged to the ceiling. Odd–haven’t thought of that in a long time.
Anonymous
looking back
in the cold dark night, lost, myself gripped, black sheet, shroud, fear and loathing, near and gloating, back street, shattered hallway, way to go down slow, is it you? not what you were looking for but here you are, how do I get out of going through all this twice, touch myself in the darkness as the darkness touches me. So, alone, so alone.
dominicvine in reply to Anonymous
Re: looking back
only twice?
runawaytoday
i found you in a magazine, so i am here
i used to have dreams that people were trying to get into my apartment from the fire escape. and then i had dreams that someone hovered over me through the ceiling. there was also a corner that was always ‘dark’. i attempted obsyddian ball meditation, but really i think i was taking too much lsd at the time. i think i opened a portal into another dimension when one night i got drunk and decided to reenact a satanic ritual involving myself as anton le vay and my roommate as jayne mansfield. don’t worry, tell them to leave into the light.
dominicvine in reply to runawaytoday
Re: i found you in a magazine, so i am here
Yeah? what magazine?
this is the first time i’ve had a dream like this
though i often have nightmares
still
i used to
and still do, sometimes
have a fear of the dark
that similar thing: something
inhuman
or anything
is going to reach through the dimensions somehow
and just snatch me out of here
i used to crave it
wait for it
wish for it
now it scares me
and i don’t even know why
it’s mostly confusing
yet
real
and it is what it is
i’ve not taken acid in years!
but i have pretended to enact many rituals
and have hung around with people who’ve got mixed up with Satan
… Satan i used to fucked a lot in dreams
but anyway
if i had some idea what was in the darkness
i would tell it to go into the light
but currently
i’m really afraid of the darkness
the best i can do is light a candle
…
runawaytoday in reply to dominicvine
it was the pink magazine called BUTT, i was embarrassed to read it, but i read your interview and thought it was beautiful. i thought you were an artist, so i searched you out.
the other night i was afraid that a spirit would reach out for me in my bedroom, so i stayed up all night. it made me scared. i saw a boy once get touched by a ghost, and he cried and cried. i dont know what ghosts are. maybe they aren’t really spirits, maybe they’re just metaphysical videotapes stuck on repeat. but i’m afraid they’ll learn what dvd is.
i hope you dont feel the evilness again though, because it would scare me too.
tonight i’m scared to sleep. what is there? my father’s spirit? the dead neanderthals in the deep soil under my house? it’s said that every twenty square feet of earth, hold the remnants of atleast 1000 dead human beings. that’s alot of remnants to be missed.
dominicvine in reply to runawaytoday
videotape
“when i’m at the pearly gates
this will be on
my videotape”
the new Radiohead album will have a song on it called Videotape
that’s kinda what these ghosts where
i mean
it came clear to me
this guy’s house i was sleeping in
he’s a very angry person
and he has sex a lot
i mean
when i stayed there
there was probably 5 different guys a week coming to his house
and often, he would shout and scream about nothing at all
fucking makes things… even if not physical children
it can feed “entities”
thoughtforms… spirits…
i think all of his anger was about these ghosts, spirits
feeding them
and all the fucking too: made them stronger
they were hungry
and i was bare…
it was the first time i’d ever slept alone in his place
and it scared me too much
it’s clear to me that’s what it was
the dead are dead
but some of them don’t know it
like you said
you gotta just be strong and tell them they’re free to go.
it helps to know how to open the door for them too.
meanwhile, yeah
BUTT
i figured it was probably that
but never sure.
thanks for writing
and remember
you can always light a candle.