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I’m catching up with myself(!)

what’s it like
having a lover?
a stern lover that holds you only to utter sincerity
no saccharine sentimentality allowed
no room for mediocrity
no space for distracted bad moods

then he says
"I’ll take whatever you can give me, I’ll accept any crumbs…"

so you dole them out
as if to feed the birds

what’s it like
to wear his shirt
like a hug
or a friend
with me at every shift of fabric
even hours away

the sun set
falling stars
digital approximations of 78s

if I am not someone who falls in love
or wants to need
when they drape their bodies all over each other
I stand stolid
barefoot in the sand

what then?
what then?

there is too much space between the visible stars
we need lines
to live in constellations

——-

ah,
I started my first attempt at editing my journal today
I printed out nine volumes of this text
first book
starting January 17, 2004
reading a week into it was too much
surprises at all the connections…
the viscera I could dress up my sparse lines in
even now I have learned to write even sparser
will I be able to look at this in ten years and know anything around what I was talking about?
uhhhh, I was heart-heavy
head-spun

how can I possibly read through this life and make sense of it?

FRIENDS! HELP!
dig me out of my life
help me build a ship out of it to go sailing
I fear I cannot do it on my own!

.
:.: