32.19

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again, no satisfying pictures taken today
all silly
or just bad
but it’s the day
a lovely day
fifteen minutes of rain
with sun all around
some focused yoga and meditation in the morning
the line from a Brainiac song flitting through my head
"nothing ever chang-es
on its own"
and conceptualizing that I actually have to do all the work I
continually try to get out of doing

see
I’m a kaot
my whole life I’ve dismantled order around me and put it back together
one thing when it’s a toaster
another entirely when it’s a world view
still more when it’s a world
but that’s what I do
so
all my harranging myself
I understand now that I really do have to take the time to be present
with the minutia of my life
the way my blood flows
the way my heart beats
where my thoughts go
how my chakras pump–
spin

I was sitting in a position today
locked into a powerful flow
and felt myself root down into the core of life in my space
for the first time ever
consciously
I have to do this every day
the sentient being of the potted plant
to will the roots to spread
direct desire to grow the flower

I’ve been getting compliments on my writing lately
my hearts desire
yes
my flower
the seductress’ power
I’m coming into clarity
even as my heart still rattles with my occasional cough

I need to dip into death from time to time to sharpen my taste for life

and then I
and then I

Sister
thank you for the burger
the street filled with broken people bend around their abuser
and beautiful people
and sexy people
and sweaty people

lost in the park
calling all my daddies
a morning of the wounds with fathers
Sylvia and Polly Jean
Daddy
lusty daddies
us and our perversions
our desperate desires

lost in the park
arriving on time
when it’s over

"there’s only now no Ever After"

Grizzly Bear were so lovely
entirely not rock stars
just playing music for us

Band of Horses
(makes that sound horses make in dismissal)
but the space was by the river
and watching the sun set was beautiful
beautiful
the air was warm and fresh
with friends
family
beautiful

a nice ending to the year
Sun moves into Cancer tomorrow at 7:32am
tonight it definately the shortes night
tomorrow the longest day

and what will the new year bring?

(love you)

.iP