talk about the weather beautiful weather today not looking forward to the cold the summer air in early fall engine summer that goes on and on we had two weeks of what felt like autumn then back to summer temps high 70s, low 80s i forgot about the cold today we had lunch outside i’m on antibiotics and can’t be in the sun why is that? why is that? we sat indoors and talked for a while we went to the sun room to play cards i drank some lemon water with aloe vera juice in it playing cards i started to feel funny what is that funny feeling? a tightening why am i tightening why do i feel like this? am i scared? am i high? is something wrong? am i having some reaction to the aloe? suddenly, i remember the cold …, i remember feeling like this when i used to smoke pot and get all paranoid that something wrong was happening then just realized i was cold i did the same thing not high at all how often we try and get away from the cold i am a bird now not a majesty snow bird a migratory bird “looking for a home, to, share the same space for a minute or two” i watched a movie tonight boys walking outside in the winter snow“it’s beautiful” that strange long blue light i believe it can be healthy to get cold if you can be still hibernate go internal but our society doesn’t allow that for the most part we must keep socializing must keep going to work being entertained hunting we aren’t bears nor turtles nor frogs i can be a bird i can avoid the snow until i can’t anymore… a woman’s expression of her beliefs from her conservative news sources “the government will be turning off the power and cutting food distribution this winter to kill off as many people as they can” why believe these things? i look out the window and idly wonder what it would be like if i get stuck in mexico? or stuck in New York City? or stuck anywhere… if i’m “stuck” somewhere will i stay there? or just walk? walk until this body can’t walk anymore… i’ve walked hundreds of miles in a few months six hundred something i could migrate south without the gasoline or electricity why worry about such things? “that funny feeling” i remember a winter i gave myself in iceland five weeks of it while my best friends were dying of cancer back home i slept 10 hours a day in the strange blue light shifting through heavy snow drifts to hot springs surrounded by desolate lava shelves buried in snow the sky undulating green falling in love again through skype walking along some cliffs watching the icy river flow below me without a coat (or dell) or scarf or hat just allowing myself to be cold what’s that like? humans can live in sweaters at freezing temperatures no problem these people did it for hundreds of years people live better together if they can find peace in their hearts besides the fear and clenching the anger and thoughts. sometimes i feel too hot but i’m not ready to feel cold again doesn’t matter the cold is here the cold is coming i’m going back to New York City in a few weeks eh, a week. i’m going back to New York City in a week and it will get cold there are the apartments there still regularly over heated? have they learned to be economical yet? not a chance but it’s cold outside in the winter there how long will i be there? will i escape the worst of it? will i enjoy the snow this year? transitions can be hard but when we fall out of the nest when we jump off the cliff we just fly or we don’t no problem the cold will be fine when it finds me when i’m in it again but being dressed for summer and feeling it creep into my bones and tighten my body unawares like a sickness like an aging like a dying there’s nothing to be afraid of it’s just the cold.
oh, all the sex i’ve had a waste of vital life essence paying to play the lottery prizes: deadly diseases mild annoyances love of your life! consolation prize shiny bauble damage, shame, guilt, fear, desire and longing ok ok what do i get if i get the grand prize!? a lifetime of sitting on the couch watching movies? making salves and tinctures? singing songs? traveling the world?! what i want what i’ve always wanted is someone to look me in the eyes and offer to work it out with me all of it someone i can look at and say yeah, instead of ignoring reality entertaining ourselves with other people’s fantasies let’s talk about it lets massage it out lets stretch it out lets meditate lets let it go return to love come back to the breath together let’s fuck the suburbs out of each other lets’ straiten out the crooked DNA let’s make love bathed in death from above sure there are plenty of puzzles to do and games to play we are just kids just exploring playing yeah but we can heal we can learn we can we can get it together oh Yeah! maybe all my longing of the greatest effort could meet the same end in that simpler and quieter way of returning to the breath to love unspoken just known in the realms beyond concept together together all i’ve ever wanted is to wrestle soften gentle all i’ve ever wanted is to massage and be massaged to be loved and touched lovingly in all of the places all the trouble with wanting how often have i bemoaned i don’t want to be entertained all the time entertained to death missing life as it slides by in the background drowned out. . . you and i we have our wounds and if we ever healed all of them there are the wounds of the entire human race we could work on together and once completed the rest of life on this planet then forever the universe so many opportunities for Good Work not just fucking growing corn over and over what do you want? it’s not your fault. i love you anyway, hon.
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