43.32.1 - today’s animals: i took a lot of pictures today, so here are the animals and me. i did not intend to do a close up of my nipple. . . but that’s a good way to start. i’ve been so surprised at how different i feel on this fast (day 7 now? 10?) - i went to the supermarket and felt kinda horrified at bodies i’d usually be attracted to. . . im not doing moral internal work much on this fast, but i’ve had zero sexual desire this week, which is odd for me, but a welcome break. . . however, my karma is kama, so i have horny dudes writing me all the time wanting me to meet them there. . . which i often do, but right now i have no interest. . . so i’m using my body in other ways. . . a little dancing, but mostly napping and sitting and lately i’ve been taking sun in the morning. . . which has made me feel like doing yoga. . . so grateful, it feels awesome, even to do a little bit. . . . the rest of these pics? fish at a friend’s house. . . his cat on his cat wheel… i’ll spare you the pic of the squirrel i took: a hawk had started eating his shoulder then dropped it on the street. … and the dogs being scared and jumping in my lap from the fireworks again, just a few moments ago, sitting out on the back deck. . . you’ll all enjoy it, right? 43.32.2 - the flowers. i took a walk with a friend i once rode ~600 miles in mongolia with~ there were some gorgeous gardens in his strange neighborhood, we saw a hawk catch a squirrel and eat it in a tree. . . then sat and talked a while- first other person i’ve sat in person with this week. . . he reminded me of many things i used to feel and believe- i’m grateful to notice how “i’ve” changed. i made some comment ina video i made at the beginning of this project about no one really changing. . . that’s silly: we are all changing all the time. . . and we can steer some of it. . . and we are always who we were and entirely new right now. . . each new now that we notice. // another excerpt from the red 3MO journal: SAMSARA REHAB CENTRE i came up with the brilliant idea yesterday to make a bunch of videos. . . which, of course, has avalanched into Projects that my mind is now shaped around. it was difficult to fall asleep last night because i kept making Videos. except i wasn’t. i was lying in bed in a dark room. . . dreaming while not sleeping. So, while showering this morning, i was making a video for my Dad, telling him. . . Asking him When it was a good idea to be Hateful? and would he say he is Mostly Happy with his Life? & is he OK with being Harmful to his family? causing us all a lot of suffering. . . & working to support us? Would he prefer more not to cause us suffering or not to Harm us? & When did Jesus say was the Right Time to be Hateful? and Hey Dominic: When is the Right time to be Hateful? mmmm. to hate. So i went to the next sitting with that Question & after a million moments to settle i asked it: A: “when i don’t like someone?” Questions & Answers followed. a teacher voice. a student voice. Me & Me again& feelingsso i went through three people i’d been Hateful with & talked it out with teacher. i saw reasons & projections & upon reflection it was always unwise to be hateful. it hurt very badly at one point & i got to be with it Now. Know that pain Now. Holding others to Standards which i don’t want others to hold me to. ouch. Hating Hypocrites because they serve to weaken my resolve. oh, i’m a hypocrite too. oh, i don’t actually know anyone’s actually story or suffering - & it led to genuine compassion. so. . . that’s useful, right? “i wanna do Bad things…& we’re one again.” /// other excerpts from yesterday’s transcription not my writing, but stuff i looked up in references from the talk Rebecca’s talk: Q&A Brahmaviharas & forgiveness & Gratitude hearts are like adopted feral cats… The person is always forgivable. Their acts might not be, but they are. The people who cause harm are often suffering greatly. “The line of Good & Evil cuts through the heart of every Human being” (Russian Dissident) Taking Action. Delusion is slippery. check out the motives. Take the Actions Mindfully & see the Results. Challenges & Rewards of long term practice: cycles Trust the Deepening Practice - it gets uncomfortable. . . but leads to deeper peace. Landing further into Truth. Running from the truth is costly. When we are Deluded we don’t know we’re Deluded. Rumi Poem: Bird Wings. ! The spiritual journey is about coming to terms with loss. we learn how to let go every moment control is not a strategy for happiness. Anata Lakana Sutra i had hoped for so long that by actively pursuing & acting as if i had no fears of Death would set me free: Life is Dangerous! Jump into it & enjoy it & let it kill me - until it does i will be happy . . . somewhere i got lost. . . & am hurting & not happy REMEMER THE INTENTION TO CULTIVATE WAKING UP. “like minded friends, where wisdom & love & practice seem as important” any / every moment in life can be used as practice [ later found, Rumi Poem: Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror up to where you are bravely working. Expecting the worst, you look, and instead, here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see. Your hand opens and closes, and opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birdwings. – Rumi Sutra, from Wikipedia The Anattalakkhaṇa Sutta (Pali) or Anātmalakṣaṇa Sūtra (Sanskrit), is traditionally recorded as the second discourse delivered by Gautama Buddha. The title translates to the "Not-Self Characteristic Discourse", but is also known as the Pañcavaggiya Sutta (Pali) or Pañcavargīya Sūtra (Skt.), meaning the "Group of Five" Discourse. In this discourse, the Buddha analyzes the constituents of a person's body and mind (khandha) and demonstrates that they are each impermanent (anicca), subject to suffering (dukkha) and thus unfit for identification with a "self" (attan). The Pali version of this discourse reads: "Form, ... feeling, ... perception, ... [mental] fabrications, ... consciousness is not self. If consciousness were the self, this consciousness would not lend itself to dis-ease. It would be possible [to say] with regard to consciousness, 'Let my consciousness be thus. Let my consciousness not be thus.' But precisely because consciousness is not self, consciousness lends itself to dis-ease. And it is not possible [to say] with regard to consciousness, 'Let my consciousness be thus. Let my consciousness not be thus.'... "Thus, monks, any form, ... feeling, ... perception, ... fabrications, ... consciousness whatsoever that is past, future, or present; internal or external; blatant or subtle; common or sublime; far or near: every consciousness is to be seen as it actually is with right discernment as: 'This is not mine. This is not my self. This is not what I am.' "Seeing thus, the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones grows disenchanted with form, disenchanted with feeling, disenchanted with perception, disenchanted with fabrications, disenchanted with consciousness. Disenchanted, he becomes dispassionate. Through dispassion, he is fully released. With full release, there is the knowledge, 'Fully released.' He discerns that 'Birth is ended, the holy life fulfilled, the task done. There is nothing further for this world.'" In the Pali Canon, the Anattalakkhana Sutta is found in the Samyutta Nikaya ("Connected Collection," abbreviated as either "SN" or "S") and is designated by either "SN 21.59" (SLTP) or "SN 22.59" (CSCD) or "S iii 66" (PTS). This discourse is also found in the Buddhist monastic code (Vinaya).
beset with dogs. . . laying on the deck in the sun, watching them walk around. . . i saw how ferocious they must look to squirrels and the like. . . i imagined if i were small enough for them to just gobble up. . . like my eyes were floating free of my body. . . then realized i was tripping on fasting. i took an hour and a half nap. man: good rest is so worth it. . . it’s been a while. i opted Chronotrigger a few hours, then spent a few hours transcribing (excerpt below) and practicing italian. simple: letting the days go by. . . / written on thanksgiving day in 2016, when on a three month meditation retreat - all the silly thoughts of the mind. . . but some sweetness in there. . . thinking about “gathering holidays” while being alone: Today. . . & yesterday i have had holiday memories. . . but more than the visuals, i was struck by the feeling. . . visiting relatives, various houses, different carpets, furniture, drapes, plates, smells. . . That young age when everything was confusion, a mystery - when i was profoundly aware of my ignorance & constantly in awe - the feeling of Traveling & entering into entirely different Realities - people acted differently - we were meant to act differently . . . so as i walked. . . after eating. . . after walking to the Love Shack, socializing & playing cards with Myself. . . walking by houses with many cars out front. . . where friends & family Gathered i thought of the different people i knew. . . & who they might be with, what they might be eating & drinking, the sounds of conversation & Laughter. . . walking alone on the cold, empty, silent winter road - i held my hands under my poncho. . . reflecting on the two men i’ve ever held hands with that made me feel loved. . . made me feel With someone . . . even though, it turns out, i wasn’t. & i thought of words from a recent talk: “you might find you can give yourself what you’ve always wanted some one else to give you” & i started saying in my mind things like “i love you. you’ll never be alone, i’ll always be with you. i’ll do my best to take care of you. To listen & understand you. . .” i cried a little. . . & looked out over the still pond - Perfect against the heavy iron sky - the weathered old dead branches reflecting sharply, poking out of the water. . . imagining the Beaver teaching their children how to make their own Lodges - wishing i could help. walking slowly. . . attended the 3:30 sit. gave up. gave up. gave up. sat and held my hand & comforted my self. . . & breathed deeply until the bell rang - i still have one more day of being Practice leader on Sunday - then i can only sit once a day if i like. i’m giving myself permission to give up after that.
today was a perfect weather day, not too hot nor cold. i lay out in the sun for an hour this morning. . . the female dog i am staying with, phoebe, really likes my scent and often rubs herself all over me: i got a video of her doing it a little bit. i have done that with men in the past. . . i wish people liked their smell more and rubbed people’s smells all over them. . . ahhh. . . otherwise, i’m just playing ChronoTrigger and drinking lemonade. . . im fine with that: resting. i’m appreciating the freedom to let myself rest. may we all be free
i decided not to bring a razor with me down here. . . curious to see how much hair i grow in a week. i’ll shave again when i get back to zionsville.
– part of the reason i’m here is to keep the dogs calm: they are very disturbed by the fireworks, which are prevalent this time of year. . . one of these pics shows them waking from sleep and both jumping into my lap (while i was playing ChronoTrigger, my first time), i took them for a walk today, but it was irritating me to resist their constant pulling. i went for a walk afterwards to be at my own pace & take some pictures. i was shocked at how tired and sore it made me just to walk a mile. oh, poor ole body. fasting. alright.
no youtube talking video today. didn’t sleep well last night, felt off all day. just a stage of fasting. meh. no new writing today. just transcription. blah. and only took a few videos of Dallas licking my face this morning in the hammock. here is one:
Recent Comments