i finished planting the garden today i really lost my inertia with the garden a few weeks ago when i cut my hair i suddenly started being attacked constantly by deer flies and my scalp got sunburned my first day out there as well burn and bites all over: not pleasant and having to wear clothes while garden just wasn’t attractive to me so i kept putting it off bit it’s been nagging at me as the solstice is almost here and most of the garden was planted but the obvious spots were eating at me so today i finished it eh, we finished it my mom and it but i was out there until the light was almost gone and the fireflies were dancing - i’ll do my best to share how it progressed through the summer . . . was it yesterday? errr, recently, was moving soil from an old compost heap that has turned into a Comfrey bed and kept hitting root i don’t like letting things go to waste… so i cleaned it all and today i chopped it for HOURS while listening to Paul Selig on some podcast naked in the sun . . . it’s complicated to know what i want now want anymore i don’t know but i want everyone to be free i want everyone to be loved and i used to be suffering from that not being the case can i just believe it is and help it be so? you are free you are loved i am free i am loved all is well all is well all to all
things settled down a bit on the tech front we finished the back to the future movies greens and eggs and chicken and cheese for lunch cheesey puffs for dinner we let out the new chickens in with the home chickens there was only one fight & team rooster was the winner integration takes time so tired today but didn’t nap felt motivated to finish the garden in time for the solstice i guess all of the prep work on the garden in the fence is done! got to finish planting seeds tomorrow but i got the rest of the beds situated today man’s the sprinkler set up after the seeding its just weeding and watering we are currently harvesting kale, snap peas, chamomile, lambsquarters, and radishes buonanotte
43.13 when i started this idea of secondary progression birthday aging ritual project i just did one day per year but the more i studied it i found it wasn’t an exact alignment so i decided to put in an offset day every 12 days in the years i made a posting project out of it i would denote it just with an ellipses but this year i missed it coz the internet was out i wanted to sleep early and my batter was dying and it happened to be a . . . day so i just let it slide i uploaded the video i created yesterday for today on youtube (now at the bottom of this post) and was able to post the pics from today and yesterday in under ten on IG and i’m not sure how i got so far from the days of the month already. . . 13 on the 16th? but whatever i don’t care about perfection right now mercury is in gemini and it’s fine whatever can be whatever . . . i’m watching the Back to the Future series right now first time since i was a kid and . . . well. . . i see the magic of it but the second one what a formula still fun whatever perfect mercury retrograde thing to watch i realized that the 1985 of Biff in power is like what we went through for the last four years especially if it would have been allowed to go on and on unmitigated greed and avarice led by a narcissist glad that potential future got erased! here’s to more time-hopping. . . i transcribed for three hours today let’s see what happened tomorrow but first what’s happening right now?
43.12 i like fantasy stories with “supernatural powers” im tired of them always battling some evil what’s storytelling without the drama? i don’t want anymore hyper tense militaristic super police bad guys hunting down our heroes in a paranoid fever dream how do we tell stories without turning to the dark side? i’ve heard musicians i love trying to make music without their own suffering or their own hearts and it holds no interest for me i know their suffering makes the music delicious the anger and rage fear and desire longing hopelessness criticism and blame so tasty so tasty what is the hum and awe of love? oh i always forget this realm is about love & hate the push and pull dark and light yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah gives it contrast tension texture ok ok can we stop with ultra violence hyper military control nightmare? story telling story listening don’t hurt me
i woke this morning groggy and late missed the dawn chorus i’d stayed up last night til three stuck in a screen loop this morning i sat up in bed and watched a woodpecker dismantle a tree watched blue jays hopping around in the grass i watered the plants in the garden i said the cliche “it’s gonna be a scorcher” thinking about how wilted the plants would be if i didn’t water them 90° the sun felt so intense even at 10AM then i drove to a local park and sold my laptop to a guy from mexico for his wife i felt a strange energy coming from Mexico i played a VR game last night for nearly two hours and met a really nice mexican guy by calling out some guy being a racist asshole he suddenly became very friendly with me and taught me a lot about what was going on in thai game really took me under his wing and it was obvious he had a brilliant mind it all felt so positive i have been very hesitant to make any future plans this year but i feel i should go back go mexico! i’d also like to go back to Italy and Switzerland and Thailand oh travel and i dream of other places to be i really want to do a talk about family i didn’t bring my tripod out with me but maybe i’ll make a video in the morning there is something so dear unique to be appreciated about family even when the family dynamic is a dysfunctional toxic mess there is still love there too and some other quality je n’es ce quoi. . . and i also want to go back to California to Oregon to Hawaii. . . and i also want to go many places i’ve never been and the air smells like honey and the fireflies are flickering i had a nice time with my sister today many nice moments and felt very touched when she asked me if i was still moving so much referencing how i was constantly moving after returning from Thailand. . . and mexico but after our global pandemic year i’m not i’m sluggish heavy staid that’s one of the reasons i’m catching this mercury retrograde comet and doing a ye’ole Birthday Project i have to “shake off this heavy deep sleep” but she expressed real concern for me that i wasn’t moving much, wasn’t meditating. . . i know i do the best i can i’m glad i’m reflecting like this every day right now even if blathering externally into the web isn’t the same as self care it is a selfing with care breathing in and breathing out like humans do but now i shall sleep grateful for the sounds of night and the soft moving air i hope you’re happy and peaceful where you are
i’m so glad i got to edit a friend’s document for hours today italian to english proofreading what might we want to say and how in the best way? i’m so grateful i drove with my mom to meet Joe and his kids daughter’s name was Bear we took her favorite chicken, Guido the other roosters were beating him up and we needed a new rooster and when he arrived he crowed in triumph my dad accidentally washed all the blueberries and they would mold if we put them back in the fridge so i ate them for hours i changed my sheets tonight to get the fertilizer and grass clippings off i cleaned the kitchen i talked with a friend listened to him about being fired today from a job/home he’s had almost six years family i think about family as i hear the TV in the background that’s enough for today
full-on into being here. yeah. i felt today i have overcomplicated my posting process… i guess that’s what happens when i’ve been mostly avoiding social media a while… get clumsy and over-zealous. well, happy mercury retrograde.
43.8 so i told you once i would tell you why it doesn’t feel good you writing me every day telling me how much you miss me and how much you want to be with me you said that to me for five years and when i came to be with you i was very happy and you were neurotic and got sadder and sadder and sadder i have learned that you cannot have what you want that is we think there is something we will want and it will make us happy happier but when we get it it doesn’t not for long then we want something else or want not something or we don’t understand what could ever make us happier and we just get confused i’ve learned that i’ve seen it thousands of times in my own mind and heart and i’ve heard: this is what people do and they’ve been doing this for thousands of years so why would you suddenly stop doing this after a few months? it’s just that when you say “i miss you” what i hear is that that want. that wish for something that will make you happy something that isn’t what is already here what i hear is you setting yourself up for suffering and it makes me sad when you say “i can’t wait to see you again” and “we have to spend more time together” and “don’t you think we should spend more time together?” or “oh! we just have to spend more time together” what i hear is some future thing some thing that isn’t happening right now something you’re hinging some happiness on and i know it won’t work because we’ve tried it already and it didn’t work and, again, humans have been doing this for thousands of years And It Doesn’t Work. what i know is we all have challenges our neighbor our landlord our father or husband our friends our lovers ourselves whatever we have challenges and these things drive us crazy they make us angry and sad and confused we want to do something about them we want to get in shape lose weight quit smoking write that book change our diet sell the house get a new job retire get a new car a new computer a new. . . we all think we have a solution to our misery but we can’t do it there is a part of us that knows that it won’t work and we aren’t capable of dealing with that dissatisfaction so we just keep telling ourselves a story that we know isn’t true tricking ourselves into believing it so we don’t want to have to accept that there is NOTHING that will make us happier in any satisfying way we’ve tried it a million times in our own lives and humans have been trying it for thousands of years something i keep saying about the last president of the united states is he gave such a gift to the world he showed us that you can have all the money and power and fame and still be miserable that isn’t to say that life is only misery it is just to say that so much of the beauty and joy is not only cancelled, it is missed entirely, lost to the stream of time by the misery we find ourselves in moment to moment we could have the perfect lover in our own homes and miss the opportunity to love and be loved by them because we are confused about why that isn’t making us happy when it seems it’s all we ever wanted for years and years but when we get it it isn’t what we thought it was and it isn’t doing what it is supposed to and we cannot just accept that that equation doesn’t work because it is the solution the whole of society runs on the solution that is sold to us every day by every external source and by the repetitious habits of thought in our own minds and that’s sad it makes me very sad to see people trapped in this cycle of misery because there is nothing it can do about it i have tried for years and years usually only succeeding in making people more miserable i can be with them to the best of my ability to make them feel less alone by having a friend there for them to access share the joys of reality with but even then, as you’ve seen, even that doesn’t work often people can be married and spend most of their moments in separate rooms and when they do interact it might all be bitter despite any attempts of sweetness i’ve seen it i’ve lived it i’ve witnessed it this game works better for some people than others but it never works 100% perhaps it works better for people who hold the idea of happiness in their head and shrug off all the disappointments all the dissatisfaction if they can just say ”well, that’s not what i wanted or how i wanted it to be, but that’s ok. i’m happy anyway. this is still great” it can be a simple mundane thing: “this is good enough. i’m glad i have this. i’m very happy. this is good” it can be a simple as that for me i’ve had to get a whole bunch of thoughts and concepts and meanings and equations i’ve had to understand what blocks happiness from being sustained on an intellectual, physical and emotional level and i’ve had to learn about the solutions on those levels and even with all that i’ve still had to learn that none of that actually matters as much as just choosing to be happy just choosing to be at peace for no “reason” not because i have anything or anything is right though it is good, it feels good too, to appreciate when i have things i like and things are good and right. . . but just choosing to be at peace because it’s worth it to be at peace and be happy it’s more important than me being right or the situation being right or someone else behaving how i think they should or someone else treating me how i want to be treated it’s worth it, more than any of those conditions, and countless others i’m not going to enumerate now it’s worth it to just be happy and content and at peace because being miserable isn’t worth it and it’s very complicated how i’ve learned that how i’ve changed my values how i’ve come to decide i’m going to live like this it’s taken years of suffering in my unique ways disappointments, confusions, angers and depressions all that and teachings practicing and the patient loving of some people who were more grounded in their own happiness and peace than i was people who weren’t threatened by my misery and the chaos of my confusion when people come at me with their confusion and misery i often try to just model happiness and peace some sort of clear wisdom to them but often i just get sucked into their whirlpool of misery and that makes me sad i can’t be a good boyfriend or lover or son or worker or teacher or whatever if the misery of someone’s life makes me miserable i don’t have the stolid discipline necessary to keep from being driven crazy by other people’s crazy and i know i kinda do i’ve had some pretty intense experiences that i have made it through ok but it’s been at quite a price to my health you know what i mean? maybe you do maybe you don’t but that’s all i hear when you say you miss me and must spend more time with me i hear you believing that something will make you happy or make me happy completely forgetting how that equation doesn’t work and the only way you’ll ever be happy is just being happy no matter what is happening all the time and however that works for you you have to find i have a way but it really doesn’t work for most people isn’t even compatible with most people’s way of life and gets blown off course by the weather like most things in the world do still i’m grateful for the experiences i’ve had and the lessons i’ve learned and the tools i have when i need them and maybe some day i’ll figure out how to give them to other people but mostly what happens is people hear me offer them and say “yeah, i’d like that” and then just want to lick the honey from me and drain all my juices and ask for more ask for more ask for more (“knowing they’ll never get that which they ask for”) and no matter what i give it can never be enough and that’s sad because i love to give and i love to make people happy but it’s not in my jurisdiction to change people’s values they have to do that for themselves and darn i’d really like to be with people who prioritize not being miserable not generating misery not making other’s miserable at least being at peace maybe being happy and content and grateful and wouldn’t that be nice?
one of my joys today was helping my mom garden. . . i dug up this huge poke root and spent hours processing it into tincture and oil extraction. . . now it will sit for six weeks. . . me shaking it daily. . . new plant friend. . . it’s personality felt very strong and i was very happy to work with it. . . thanks plants. thanks mama (earth and mom)
meh
i was going to garden again
i got all prepared for the flies
meh
then the lawn maintenance men showed up
spraying chemicals everywhere
i harvested some lambsquaters
loaded up the wheelbarrow with land soil and campost soil
brought it up to the house
we made eggs and greens
we watched an episode of Sweet Tooth
i get it, why my friend cried
i cried a bit too
then we planted the tomatoes in the big pots out back
then…
then.. the…
then…
well…
my feet were burning from the chemicals on the lawn
barefoot
even though i only stepped on a little of the lawn
i felt it
so i showered
scrubbed
but still
they were tingling
i hated thinking i would get neuropathy from this stupid lawn vanity shit
so i soaked my feet in epsomsalt water
while watching coinbase infomercials they paid me to watch
ok
then talked with a friend i know from Buddhism-world
also a techie
nice conversation
across the ether…
i eventually sat down to have more computer troubles
seemingly insurmountable blah blah Mercury retrograde
then i transcribed for an hour
ok
someone invited me over to his house
for
whatever reason
people
it’s hard to be people around each other
we played with our VR helmets together
he showed me his cryptocurrency mining rigs
farming
mining
whatever
it was ok
it was what it was
not what really nourishes me
what really nourishes me?
it has something to do with a feeling of kinship
it has something to do with a feeling of peace
mutual understanding
the guy i’d talked with on the phone earlier in the day
pieces of his conversation came back to me
the idea
he was staying with his daughter
helping her recover from an accident
and she’s an adult
but when she would fall asleep
he said it was like he was given a sleeping pill
he was pass out
and sleep so well
the magic of family
he doesn’t believe in magic
only matter and science
i believe in “magic” and multiple dimensions
i thought of
how often i’ve found
asking my mom how she slept
and she says “i couldn’t go to sleep til two…”
and i didn’t go to sleep til too
it’s nice to feel that connection
terrible to feel i may be responsible for her not sleeping well
other resonance
how are we all connected?
the great sea of emotions we all swim in
mom was still awake when i got home
i ate some of the chicken she made
showered again
brushed teeth
rinsed mouth
played some VR
then wrote this
enough for now
that’s all for today
thanks.
43.6 little by little i woke in the tent this morning the rain falling was loud i missed the dawn chorus i slept continued to sleep the grey misty day didn’t tell me the morning was going on i didn’t bring my phone out with me when i got out of bed my stubbly head scraping roughly on the mosquito net i went to look at the garden everything moist and happy my body being bathed in a light mist i went in to the house i had forgot to bring clothes the door was locked mom let me in commenting on my nakedness yes, i know, yes i’m grateful i can forget clothes and key and be fine i’m so grateful i can sleep outside with a tarp, netting, full bed and nice sheets not be sleeping on the street shivering in the dirt we went for thai food tired upon our return napping or interneting an old friend who i have a powerful spiritual/sexual relationship with at a distance (never yet in person, even though we’ve met a few times) called me and turned me on incredibly how strange the rest was good i prepared to go out and work in the garden and the rain poured down last summer i worked in the garden often when it rained this year or at least now, this part of this year that has been this last week every time i go out side with out a hat and shirt on i get bombarded by horse-flies they bite and it hurts hurts hurts it makes it very unpleasant to be outside i don’t like wearing clothes and though i loved gardening naked in the rain last year i didn’t like the idea of having to have wet clothes on today so i stayed inside and set to some computer projects: getting my photo library working again (oh, great mercury retrograde project!) it’s been a mess all year i won’t recapitulate it but my huge unwieldy library won’t upgrade to Big Sur, the newest mac operating system so i have to rebuild it today i started that walking back and forth from this room to where my father’s computer is trying various attempts to make it make sense it wasn’t eventually i tried another tact that seemed to be working seems to be working and some where in there my mother mentioned she was vacuuming (is there another english word that has two “u”s together like that?) and i felt i wanted to vacuum my room and she asked me to vacuum another large room up here where my friend and his five cats had stayed this lead me to cleaning that room, reorganizing our drying screens (for herbs) then cleaning/organizing my room putting everything away clearing the floor (as i had played VR today for a half hour for the first time since last weekend… and noticed how my play area had tons of clutter in it!) hours hours hours it seemed all of these attempts but when i walked back into my room after it was all cleaned and organized and vacuumed i felt SO GOOD both of my parents have very cluttered rooms and most of my life my room has always been very cluttered my apartment in NYC was always a depressing mess i’d clean it then quickly drown in it again it feels so good to clean the room of course i don’t really live here, do i? i’m living here now it’s kinda enough i told my mom what helped me keep my room clean though i didn’t say it like that i told my mom that in many ways my relationship with her now is very healthy for me she’s a good friend and that’s so nice to have a someone i can enjoy talking with, helping, being cared for by it’s so nice i’m so grateful golly, i certainly hope some day i can love and be loved by a man a lover a parter golly geese phew… anyway i fried some potatoes for myself for dinner cleaned up then came up to do my italian and write … i stared at the screen not knowing what to do so i just continued transcribing the hand written journal i kept at the three month meditation retreat i did in 2016 the video i made on 43.1 i mentioned a Buddhist practice of “five daily reflections” and that happened to be what i was transcribing today my friend Tony had mentioned that i didn’t put them in my writing for that day so i’m going to copy here some of what i transcribed today (with a little elaboration) : “ Annie’s Talk: Ayya Kehma Concentration Practice & “special effects” The Five Contemplations / Daily Reflections bringing these into the forefront of our minds uproots common delusion / pride / arrogance . our deal in Samsara: i’m going to age. i cannot avoid aging. i’m subject to illness. i cannot avoid illness i’m going to die: i cannot avoid death i will be separated from everything i hold dear. when i die or before i am heir to my Karma: whatever actions i perform, good or bad, i am heir to them. all the conditions that have ever existed to manifest ME is the path of Karma i am in. i am the embodiment of all of that and every choice i make is the continuation of that flow… This brings an Honesty into our lives, we cannot fool ourselves about our Human Existence. (and i talked with my mother about this today, oddly also it was in the transcription… she said she doesn’t think of herself as “old” though she is 70… she thinks she’s just… 30 or 40… but i said she should watch how it feels when she says “old” - in this culture it is a pejorative… the word “beautiful” often just means Young… many cultures admire and respect “old” people for their experience and wisdom… our culture finds it tedious and generally wants to get it out of the way or avoid it altogether) Mainstream People find OLD AGE UGLY - i find it beautiful: i have always fetishized the wrinkles, bushy eyebrows, the broadened pores … of course, the constant pain & failing faculties isn’t so attractive - i try with Yoga & vitamins to preempt that … but it’s Nature - it will come to all of us. in my youth, i assumed i would be dead by now… thought AIDS was going to kill me. The choice i made was not to live in fear & let Death come at me. i tried to be reasonable - Present… but still figured it inevitable, as i had been a weak, sickly child. The year i realized i was no longer afraid of AIDS & i would live to be an old man. i was shocked by both of these realizations - & that was the Year i got HIV - i had been living as if i had a compromised immune system my whole adult life - she mentions riding a bike without a Helmet. DEATH CAN COME AT ANY MOMENT LET GO OF YOUR CLINGING Love will be there. so reflect - are there still unwholesome qualities in us That we would wisely Abandon before our death? Now is the time! “just as a man who’s hair is on fire would use all his resources to put out the fire” Attachments to things. relationships. at the time we committed unskillful acts we didn’t have much wisdom… but now… with wisdom & mindfulness we won’t make the same mistakes She tells us stories of her life… Poor childhood in South Africa - middle class in London, full on American first world Problems in California. She Absolves herself to us. Dharma talk. … i looked back on last sunday - yes. i see her frustration with me - i do not show her respect… Her hopes that her rambling self-absorbed stories will illustrate points of wisdom is the same wish i have. the same insecurity that it’s just useless blathering. Who’s benefiting? some people? or are they just being Nice … so good to be presented with these challenging reflections - like her looking in her iPad & seeing how she’s really aging. Black Mirror. … i started to “sit” … to make this feeling go away. i felt the aversive urge to Metta… as i called Tony now, i remember, because i was fearful of Trump’s effect on the Ecology for Greed (Keystone Pipeline) then felt Karmic fear in my room over all i have stolen on the internet - like my van getting broken into, what will i suffer? so i didn’t move. i just sat - to see if i could Just sit and be with the horrible feeling i was feeling. Horrible, but i sat with it. Like rubbing a dog or cat’s nose in its own Piss: DON’T BE AN UNWHOLESOME ASSHOLE Now… kindness… kindness… Compassion arose! it did.
i recorded a video in the afternoon… out in my bed, the wind billowing the mosquito net. i had about fifteen minutes until dinner was ready… i was kinda in a rush, but i wanted to film in the day… i wanted to tell this story… but i became increasingly uncomfortable while telling it… and after dinner, i drove down town to work on a client… while driving, i thought of how i regretted what i said… and it’s uploading at the house… will be posted… and people will be angry… and this is why Trans people attacked me so many years ago…i’m really not a great ally… or maybe it’s not about that… i felt bad for saying “people can never change” or the likes of that… though people are changing all of the time… can we really change who we are? sure we can… i’ve learned how to be a very different person than who i was as a teenager… at least, i look different, i value different things, i respond to things differently… but i still have a lot ov thee same thoughts and feelings… i just give them a lot less energy and time… many of them never get expression because i no longer value them… but they are still there. i’m still that person, i’m just living that person differently. – – – and that may not be true. i don’t know. i was listening to Sharon Salzberg’s “Real Love” on the drive down and she was talking about stories… the stories we believe in that we need to check into and see if they are still real, still true… and how true are they? it’s often surprised me that people have told me i have a bad relationship with my feminine nature… my inner feminine, whatever you want to call it. but i’ve heard it so many times from so many different people that i have believed it and pathologized it… when i decided to see myself as a woman a few weeks ago… i was shocked at the self loathing it brought up… i was not prepared to deal with that and did my best to just let it slide and move by it.. but that’s like keeping silent to siding with the oppressor, right? same kinda thing… i was so taken-aback… so knocked off kilter… i couldn’t believe how un-graceful i took it… and it is something that can be worked with … seen and felt clearly… and at least accepted and perhaps the persective chan shift… most importantly, it’s something i don’t yet know how to deal with. it’s been an imbalance for a long time… and i find that it still is… and maybe now i will begin working on it in earnest… maybe now some useful tools will appear that i can use to … what is the word? fix it? balance it? heal it? i don’t know. it falls into other stories i don’t know how to change… “i’m bad at picking friends and lovers””i’ve never had a healthy relationship””i can’t write a book” “i could never have a job …” stuff we think and feel… i’ve certainly diffused some of the horrible death bombs in my mind and heart through my life… i suppose its good to know there are more left to work on… – – – anyway: i was happy to see when i got back that a few people had responded to the video very positively. it’s not a finished tale… and that’s ok. thank you.
43.4 - “spitting out the demons” the intention of “editing” every day for four hours is really more about this: carve out some time for myself age old story but a big part of why i’m here is i’m tired of living just for myself i haven’t figured out how to have a partner but i have a family and i’ve never fought with my mother and actually get along with her quite well like and love her my father and i… don’t have animosity now we are friendly… i wouldn’t say we are friends the idea of what a friend is is different to different people but to me it has a lot to do with being able to just spend time together and open up about what’s going on inside of each other one of the things i love about my mother is we have things in common that i rarely have in common with people : making tinctures and salves… giving massage… supplements and organics… otherwise we do puzzles together, play cards together some movies we enjoy watching together i can’t play video games with her and i can’t share any of my sexual stories with her (imagine there weren’t a taboo about that… we just don’t have it in common) i can’t do any of those things with my dad i believe everyone has an internal life but i often say i imagine he doesn’t have one today i was thinking more along the lines he has a neglected internal life but he’s a guy who will talk about the weather, sports, politics but if i ask him about events in his past or his experience of religion or what he thinks and feels about something he generally has nothing to say in a similar way his person spaces in the house are cluttered, undealt with sure mine and my mothers are well, but to a much less degree he thrives in socializing fishing, hunting, hosting the hunters and fishers and Business so what’s going on in him? i can’t say i imagine many things my mother has a healer friend you send her a picture by email and she does some healing work on you she says some weird stuff, as you may imagine but tends to be on-the-mark a lot of the time and just as often as her “treatments” do nothing they often help sometime miraculously a psychic friend of mine says she’s working with the spirit of her grandmother to do the healing friends who have left their human bodies who are doing things in the etheric realm in relating to my mother and sister she almost always says “i have released you from deamons” she never said that to me until i started staying here again and i remember that when i was a teenager i thought everyone in indiana was cursed by the spirits of the land by the ancestors of what we call “the native americans” i remember, when i left the USA, i then came to believe that everyone in the USA was cursed for the same reason then i began that most humans everywhere were cursed being punished not by some christian god but by pissed of nature spirits but all that is good it’s a conundrum how, lets use our dominant paradigm’s most common metaphor: how Jesus is an antidote to the Jewish Deity of vengeance and righteous anger he’s just this guy who came along and was like “whoa! everything loves you. you’re forgiven, we all love you. everything is love. it’s all good. chill. just love one another. just be kind. i love you. i’m god, it’s alright… we’re all god, and… “ and they fucking killed him and then used his memory and image to torture humans for what two thousand years now? all that is good in this world that makes flowers bloom and rainbows etc… is torturing all of humanity we’re in “the good place” all perfectly arranged for us to be miserable and torture each other and ruin everything all the time but you know it doesn’t have to be that way we don’t have to play that game i keep getting distracted i came back to edit something and wrote this out but earlier, i had written this: i totally believe in a version of reality where reality has a back stage like we are on stage, on TV but there’s a huge world producing the TV show, you know costume shops, set shops, prop shops acting schools writers… etc… (that’s the kind of writer i’ve always wanted to be: script doctor for reality… i’m still working on that) anyway that’s a metaphor and reality is as simple as what you can know write now (not what you can imagine or cognate, but what you can actually know through senses… reality happening right now) or as complex as anything anyone can possibly believe and then some i vacillate between those… i told my mom i think the body/consciousness/self that we use and interact with others in this Reality is the tip of the iceberg of our “soul” an appendage perhaps just a hand metaphor again like a physical manifestation exploration vehicle consciousness is happening in many realities it’s broken into various archetypes but all collapses into oneness this is now and forever but also it is divided almost infinitely so it can have specific experiences one of those is individuality it’s a game, a stance, a script, a role, an app whatever but it’s happening a process running the self in this dimension we call reality is connected to a huge being doing many things in many other realms simultaneously and likewise behind that all those come together one way of describing “we are all one” meanwhile we are also driving the kids to soccer practice wondering what we’re going to eat tonight planning out a menu or pulling through the drive through or gorging on a bag of chips or a pint of ice cream meanwhile we are imagining taking over the world or how we will secure a happy future for our selves or the ones we love etc… so we were playing dominoes and i felt like my dad had some strategy but he doesn’t talk about anything happening with him some magic deflection shield i ask him he just says “i’m lucky” he always shakes his head and laughs with almost every interaction with family… when i hear him say that i hear an infinite echo in multiple dimensions like he has huge tentacles running many deamons pulling strings to make us pull the right dominoes so he wins and the rest of us lose in this version of reality he’s just playing he’s just studying he takes a long time to pick and organize his dominoes he take a long time to play he cannot express what he is doing either consciously or unconsciously he’s protecting a secret he’s always in competition always at war i decide to cheat i hold back the wild card that would let us play so we have to draw almost all the extra chips til we find the double three, was it? gets to be there are only about 7 left when mom finds it we play through i rack up tons more points he gets some but still less than the rest of us the next round and the rest of the rounds i get the worst chips possible we kept getting caught in these feedback loops of having to pull chips i’m thinking of how he’s either some grand warlock or an incredibly repressed functional vehicle for one and he’s punishing me for trying to stack him up like he punishes us all the time. and it’s tile after tile and the tension is building in our shoulders and the table and my mom puts down a chip that stops us in that vein saying “this breaks that spell” when i was younger and did drugs often i had many years where i felt everything had meaning everyone was talking to me all the time everything was talking to everyone all the time the billboards any random advertisement or song lyric every utterance was infinitely extrapolatable back to some eternal truth and i kept hearing the whispers of that truth in everything but couldn’t understand it from my human mind with all my baggage and confusion and it was making me crazy because i felt i was supposed to be doing something to somehow fix this nightmare hellscape of vaguely unpleasant mediocre eternal suffering we were all in (that’s the version most of us are in: over fed on empty food with all the electricity we could ever want to power our constant distraction machines and condition the air so we think we should be comfortable but continually find we aren’t anyway… as opposed to the people who are, like, starving and dying of cholera, living in huts made out of garbage… or many other points along the arc between those two… and past on either sides, i’m sure) i gave up on all that i was telling my mom that today that i’ve not been writing much for two years vaguely making notes about things i should be writing about things i may like to write about in the future but balking any time anyone asks me to write something and when i feel really inspired to write something down i often find i write a paragraph and STOP during all of those meditation retreats i learned how to not be stuck in my thoughts all the time i learned how hinging reality on the experience through SELF was hellish suffering and i learned how to not have to do that and every time i’ve written in recent years i feel my mind slipping back into that “selfing” and every time i sit down to write i feel my mind spinning up into extrapolating multidimensionally every experience so the last few days i’ve not been sleeping much my mind has been hyper-active and when i prepare to go to sleep and wake up i flit through the phone looking at things jumping from thing to thing to thing i remember when i lived like that heck it’s just a few weeks, right? it’s mercury retrograde just like the good old days sorry, what was i going to write about? i meant to tell you that “editing” today just meant taking time for myself that is getting done some things for ME things that don’t relate to the life i’m living with my parents in indiana but maybe a future life maybe a past life meaning internal life things yes yes countless writings i have written i need to edit but also just a million projects i’ve “meant” to do for years and i’m making time to do them yesterday i edited a few pages on my web page which took at least twice as long as it could have because i had no idea how to do it and had to figure it out today i took an impulse i’ve had for twelve years? or at least four since someone once paid me in Ethereum to figure out how to properly use block-chain wallets that is buy and sell and trade follow the graphs so i spent hours doing that today installing many apps creating various wallets spending about the the amount i would make in one massage session to buy some imaginary money from other imaginary money then turn it into other imaginary moneys maybe i was spurned by porn twitter i the search field seeing Elon Musk had triggered some huge buying frenzy of a sex worker cyrptocurrency yeah i want people to pay me CUMMIES but in order to do that i have to have some first and in order to do that i need a wallet that can exchange them and they are an ALTCOIN so i had to learn about Binance, which isn’t usable the USA etc etc etc i spent hours doing that and finally got a Coinbase account working the ETH this guy gave me in 2017 was worth $1000 USD when he gave it to me a few months later it was 2K i was impressed a few months later it was 200… it hovered there until recently to when it’s shot up to over 5K right now it’s $3.7k and the bit i bought on coinbase i split into DOGE and MATIC and BITCOIN and it’s already gone up a bit when i first heard of Bitcoin i thought it was absurd like most of you but i did the math today and if i would have bought $200 of it in 2010 when i heard of it it would be worth twelve million dollars now so let’s buy on the dip right? then i went out and weeded and made a little youtube video where i talk about some other metaphor i haven’t talked about on here and mostly nothing else i wrote about if you read all this i’ll be shocked i realized i’m doing this project more for myself than an audience which i’ve talked about already i love being of service i love helping but it’s time for me to get back on the horse and start playing the Dominic show again and that requires internal work i’m always doing internal work, actually but there’s an infinite amount of different aspects of internal work so back to this polish the stone polish the stone love you, good night.
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