43.26
i don’t need to be writing more. i need to be editing old writings
hrmph.
thoughts written from transcription today:
theory of life struggle believe involving will power defeat/impossibility
in transcribing from the red 3mo journal this evening
i read something that reminded me of
this idea in the Yamas or Niyamas of yoga
that the yogi does not need possessions
because everything is provided for by Ishvara
i wondered if
somehow
some vow i made to enlightenment
freedom
moksha, whatever
has put me in this place where i can have the whole world and so many things to do, opportunities, things
amazing
yes
but i cannot willfully make things happen
it always seems to be blocked
unless i’m being of service to someone else
and even then
often i don’t do it
. . .
so
that sounds like a bullshit excuse
or i should just pray to ganesha or something
but it is a belief i have about myself and have had for a long time
i was writing about how Acts driven by Ego have caused me great misery and suffering
and thought
i must have made some sort of energetic block to prevent me from Ego satisfaction through Ego actions
or perhaps other beings did it
as a blessing
to prevent me from attachment and further delusion and willful ignorance (avidya)
‘
///: from these passages:
Oh, something arose in the last sit: the insight of Awakening & No More Rebirth (Liberation)
Being An “OLD Soul” The Net that binds me to Samsara is very complex. every life it gets more intricate & i have had Many. . . So there is No unraveling consciously. there is no figuring it all out. it’s way too deep. However, the root of all karmas are Ignorance: The Truth IS: This is All An Illusion. All of it is and has always been (i mourned, yesterday. . . & even today, turned away from having to give up The Lover. The Other which the whole Dance is With. The Other, the Lover, is just as illusory as everything else: “Everything i do: i do it for you. YOU”
Sorry Buddy - No one Here. No one There. . . )
[no one but these horses][nobody but these monkeys]
So. WAKING UP ENTIRELY shatters all of the Ignorance, thus Destroying all the seeds of Karma. No Karma. . . No Potential Karma. Nothing To Bring You Back to Samsara. . . I imagine that when that happens & your Body dies.. there is an equally long process Awakening from the Subtle Body? & The Inner body? Layers….
Yoga attempts to unify them all & do away with them in one fell swoop. so does Buddhism.
is it just POOF: Lights Out? (after a long Hallucinatory reliving of everything - or floating out & away & under [shade]?)
i imagine it’s like DMT - cease to Exist. - until the craving returns & all of the Prakriti re-form. i still don’t understand the point of getting free & leaving the Machinery Running . . . but then, that’s not up to us - we have to let it go. . . & if our purusha does get entangled again it will have no relation to us. . . except that all beings are related & all is one.
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ooooo - reading the Doctrine of karma in YUSP now - i realize that i used to identify & often speak of being an agent of the universe. . . though i still had passions & desires & was entangled. . . i was actively, naïvely, renouncing them. Deciding to settle in New York was an act of Ego - Thus more Karmas ripened. . . & yet. . . i was still not free to act as my Ego. . . as i had seen many times before. . . which is what led me to the Wandering Life. i cannot write the book of my life because it is not the will of which ever god i am beholden to & the conditions aren’t fit for it: not an option, really: thus: hasn’t happened. though the Ego, in its special Ego time (Birthday window) has circumvented it slightly. . . the full intention has not manifested. . . & probably will not. & its mostly confusion, Delusion & suffering anyway. . . so would probably hurt anyone who read it more than free them. Ah, to renounce writing would free me a great deal more: Does Anyone ( Besides this Ego - who doesn’t Exist ) Benefit from these writings?
../
Thus, Heather Booth was an Angel that Delivered me back to Yoga. . . which i smiled by Stealing the book. . . & have since Perverted into an Ego attribute. . . as it has been Perverted by Samsara into an Ego/commerce Market, making it more difficult to use for liberation from Samsara because The key to Liberation has become Entangled in the web of Bondage.
/
as i was leaving the room (i just got back from a walk) i noticed my story is so often that prodigal son shit - oh, fallen from Grace - o - redeemed! oh, to be Pure again! Give it up!
i talked with Mom, forgetting today is the day before “Thanksgiving” - she always has meltdowns around holidays - so she was having one. i told her to drop Karen & be God. she told me i had to give her the Tools! i reminded her i had left instructions on her voicemail a month ago for Metta Meditation - which she completely ignored, & told her, again, to get & read TBoL&D. i told her she needs to stop casting Larry as the Badguy, That she should look at him for a few months as if she’d never met him. She should think of him as her bird feeder: often there is nothing there, though she fills it with seed (and an open heart) & sometimes the squirrels come & eat the seed (when he’s purposefully mean) but she needs to not —— the squirrels & love the birds. focus on loving the Birds. Look him with Love. . . he is God, same as she - i told her the 5 daily reflections. she didn’t like them & fought with me over 2 & got depressed over 4. . . i reminded her they are facts of all Human’s lives & accepting them will set her free from the fear of them & encourage her to put aside Hatred and appreciate the time she has. Then i called Louis & talked with hi a bit. Family Drama. An opportunity to Love. in walking, i noticed i was thinking/feeling like this in 2011. . . when i was doing Zen Meditation thanks to Marc, come to think of it…. & early in the helping Leo Die experience. . . before reaturning to NYC & having my breakdown, Maybe. . . so i guess that was end of 2010! so, yeah, these three months have, apparently, undone, in part, the Tamasic degradation i’ve been suffering these last 5 years. i read Anya Khema’s book a few days ago. “each negative thought degrades the mind. “‘i hate this, i don’t want to, i can’t, i’ll never. . . ‘ they all weaken the person . . . (BNGN.P169) - i really feel i should read the last two chapters of that book every day. . . Then probably every chapter. still makes me cry.
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