i've not been sleeping much the last few weeks... or sleeping well. mostly going to sleep very late at night/early in the morning... the brain all spun up "posting" things... then looking at replies... then... spinning in neutral, just like the good old days, so playing games or reading things into the wee hours. last night i could not pull myself away from the screen... that strange intrinsic need... "there is something i need to get from here, something i need to do..." no rest came until after 5:30am... so when i woke four hours later.. i felt like my body was a burnt, dried out husk... before i opened my eyes, i heard rain out the window, i started connecting with resources... what... this going to sleep so late at night, this sleeping so little is making me Yin Deficient... so i connected with Kan, the great immeasurable lake of potential... somewhere at the bottom of everything, behind all things, under neath, beside of, inside of... potential. the essence of Yin... i remembered a practice, so put my attention in my testicles and connected with Yin there and pulled UP! ... i wasn't sure if i was just draining my sexual energy... though i'm sure that would be fine, i've been masturbating daily as well for many weeks (as i had sometime in the night before i went to sleep)... mercury retrograde or so near the solstice, i'm not sure... but i'm back in the habit of that... anyway, the sensation of pulling the energy through the testicles and up into the rest of the body was very powerful. quite a "high". i felt it lubricating and nourishing what felt so dry and dusty before... so grateful. after doing this for a while, i started cycling through the elements... then manipulating the energy in other ways... and as my brain got recharged the "teaching" voice started blathering ... and i rolled out of bed, drank some water, and set up the iPad to record a video. 40 minutes. good little practice. teaching and more nourishing of self. good to share.
this morning i've driven my father to pick up one of his vehicles
and he's headed off to Alaska
i went out to the garden to harvest the rest of the Chamomile
and some more snap peas
then ate some radish greens with eggs and chicken...
then some brussle sprout salad
now i'm going to rest a bit
then head down south
to see some water falls i haven't been to for many years
then spend the night with a stranger in the forest
i may not post again tonight
see if there is a signal
don't know
but that's the message for today
i finished planting the garden today
i really lost my inertia with the garden a few weeks ago
when i cut my hair i suddenly started being attacked constantly by deer flies
and my scalp got sunburned my first day out there as well
burn and bites all over:
not pleasant
and having to wear clothes while garden just wasn’t attractive to me
so i kept putting it off
bit it’s been nagging at me
as the solstice is almost here
and most of the garden was planted
but the obvious spots were eating at me
so today i finished it
eh, we finished it
my mom and it
but i was out there until the light was almost gone and the fireflies were dancing
- i’ll do my best to share how it progressed through the summer
. . . was it yesterday?
errr, recently, was moving soil from an old compost heap that has turned into a Comfrey bed
and kept hitting root
i don’t like letting things go to waste…
so i cleaned it all
and today i chopped it
for HOURS
while listening to Paul Selig on some podcast
naked in the sun
. . .
it’s complicated to know what i want now
want anymore
i don’t know
but i want everyone to be free
i want everyone to be loved
and i used to be suffering from that not being the case
can i just believe it is and help it be so?
you are free
you are loved
i am free
i am loved
all is well
all is well
all to all
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