43.8 so i told you once i would tell you why it doesn’t feel good you writing me every day telling me how much you miss me and how much you want to be with me you said that to me for five years and when i came to be with you i was very happy and you were neurotic and got sadder and sadder and sadder i have learned that you cannot have what you want that is we think there is something we will want and it will make us happy happier but when we get it it doesn’t not for long then we want something else or want not something or we don’t understand what could ever make us happier and we just get confused i’ve learned that i’ve seen it thousands of times in my own mind and heart and i’ve heard: this is what people do and they’ve been doing this for thousands of years so why would you suddenly stop doing this after a few months? it’s just that when you say “i miss you” what i hear is that that want. that wish for something that will make you happy something that isn’t what is already here what i hear is you setting yourself up for suffering and it makes me sad when you say “i can’t wait to see you again” and “we have to spend more time together” and “don’t you think we should spend more time together?” or “oh! we just have to spend more time together” what i hear is some future thing some thing that isn’t happening right now something you’re hinging some happiness on and i know it won’t work because we’ve tried it already and it didn’t work and, again, humans have been doing this for thousands of years And It Doesn’t Work. what i know is we all have challenges our neighbor our landlord our father or husband our friends our lovers ourselves whatever we have challenges and these things drive us crazy they make us angry and sad and confused we want to do something about them we want to get in shape lose weight quit smoking write that book change our diet sell the house get a new job retire get a new car a new computer a new. . . we all think we have a solution to our misery but we can’t do it there is a part of us that knows that it won’t work and we aren’t capable of dealing with that dissatisfaction so we just keep telling ourselves a story that we know isn’t true tricking ourselves into believing it so we don’t want to have to accept that there is NOTHING that will make us happier in any satisfying way we’ve tried it a million times in our own lives and humans have been trying it for thousands of years something i keep saying about the last president of the united states is he gave such a gift to the world he showed us that you can have all the money and power and fame and still be miserable that isn’t to say that life is only misery it is just to say that so much of the beauty and joy is not only cancelled, it is missed entirely, lost to the stream of time by the misery we find ourselves in moment to moment we could have the perfect lover in our own homes and miss the opportunity to love and be loved by them because we are confused about why that isn’t making us happy when it seems it’s all we ever wanted for years and years but when we get it it isn’t what we thought it was and it isn’t doing what it is supposed to and we cannot just accept that that equation doesn’t work because it is the solution the whole of society runs on the solution that is sold to us every day by every external source and by the repetitious habits of thought in our own minds and that’s sad it makes me very sad to see people trapped in this cycle of misery because there is nothing it can do about it i have tried for years and years usually only succeeding in making people more miserable i can be with them to the best of my ability to make them feel less alone by having a friend there for them to access share the joys of reality with but even then, as you’ve seen, even that doesn’t work often people can be married and spend most of their moments in separate rooms and when they do interact it might all be bitter despite any attempts of sweetness i’ve seen it i’ve lived it i’ve witnessed it this game works better for some people than others but it never works 100% perhaps it works better for people who hold the idea of happiness in their head and shrug off all the disappointments all the dissatisfaction if they can just say ”well, that’s not what i wanted or how i wanted it to be, but that’s ok. i’m happy anyway. this is still great” it can be a simple mundane thing: “this is good enough. i’m glad i have this. i’m very happy. this is good” it can be a simple as that for me i’ve had to get a whole bunch of thoughts and concepts and meanings and equations i’ve had to understand what blocks happiness from being sustained on an intellectual, physical and emotional level and i’ve had to learn about the solutions on those levels and even with all that i’ve still had to learn that none of that actually matters as much as just choosing to be happy just choosing to be at peace for no “reason” not because i have anything or anything is right though it is good, it feels good too, to appreciate when i have things i like and things are good and right. . . but just choosing to be at peace because it’s worth it to be at peace and be happy it’s more important than me being right or the situation being right or someone else behaving how i think they should or someone else treating me how i want to be treated it’s worth it, more than any of those conditions, and countless others i’m not going to enumerate now it’s worth it to just be happy and content and at peace because being miserable isn’t worth it and it’s very complicated how i’ve learned that how i’ve changed my values how i’ve come to decide i’m going to live like this it’s taken years of suffering in my unique ways disappointments, confusions, angers and depressions all that and teachings practicing and the patient loving of some people who were more grounded in their own happiness and peace than i was people who weren’t threatened by my misery and the chaos of my confusion when people come at me with their confusion and misery i often try to just model happiness and peace some sort of clear wisdom to them but often i just get sucked into their whirlpool of misery and that makes me sad i can’t be a good boyfriend or lover or son or worker or teacher or whatever if the misery of someone’s life makes me miserable i don’t have the stolid discipline necessary to keep from being driven crazy by other people’s crazy and i know i kinda do i’ve had some pretty intense experiences that i have made it through ok but it’s been at quite a price to my health you know what i mean? maybe you do maybe you don’t but that’s all i hear when you say you miss me and must spend more time with me i hear you believing that something will make you happy or make me happy completely forgetting how that equation doesn’t work and the only way you’ll ever be happy is just being happy no matter what is happening all the time and however that works for you you have to find i have a way but it really doesn’t work for most people isn’t even compatible with most people’s way of life and gets blown off course by the weather like most things in the world do still i’m grateful for the experiences i’ve had and the lessons i’ve learned and the tools i have when i need them and maybe some day i’ll figure out how to give them to other people but mostly what happens is people hear me offer them and say “yeah, i’d like that” and then just want to lick the honey from me and drain all my juices and ask for more ask for more ask for more (“knowing they’ll never get that which they ask for”) and no matter what i give it can never be enough and that’s sad because i love to give and i love to make people happy but it’s not in my jurisdiction to change people’s values they have to do that for themselves and darn i’d really like to be with people who prioritize not being miserable not generating misery not making other’s miserable at least being at peace maybe being happy and content and grateful and wouldn’t that be nice?
one of my joys today was helping my mom garden. . . i dug up this huge poke root and spent hours processing it into tincture and oil extraction. . . now it will sit for six weeks. . . me shaking it daily. . . new plant friend. . . it’s personality felt very strong and i was very happy to work with it. . . thanks plants. thanks mama (earth and mom)
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