43.6 little by little i woke in the tent this morning the rain falling was loud i missed the dawn chorus i slept continued to sleep the grey misty day didn’t tell me the morning was going on i didn’t bring my phone out with me when i got out of bed my stubbly head scraping roughly on the mosquito net i went to look at the garden everything moist and happy my body being bathed in a light mist i went in to the house i had forgot to bring clothes the door was locked mom let me in commenting on my nakedness yes, i know, yes i’m grateful i can forget clothes and key and be fine i’m so grateful i can sleep outside with a tarp, netting, full bed and nice sheets not be sleeping on the street shivering in the dirt we went for thai food tired upon our return napping or interneting an old friend who i have a powerful spiritual/sexual relationship with at a distance (never yet in person, even though we’ve met a few times) called me and turned me on incredibly how strange the rest was good i prepared to go out and work in the garden and the rain poured down last summer i worked in the garden often when it rained this year or at least now, this part of this year that has been this last week every time i go out side with out a hat and shirt on i get bombarded by horse-flies they bite and it hurts hurts hurts it makes it very unpleasant to be outside i don’t like wearing clothes and though i loved gardening naked in the rain last year i didn’t like the idea of having to have wet clothes on today so i stayed inside and set to some computer projects: getting my photo library working again (oh, great mercury retrograde project!) it’s been a mess all year i won’t recapitulate it but my huge unwieldy library won’t upgrade to Big Sur, the newest mac operating system so i have to rebuild it today i started that walking back and forth from this room to where my father’s computer is trying various attempts to make it make sense it wasn’t eventually i tried another tact that seemed to be working seems to be working and some where in there my mother mentioned she was vacuuming (is there another english word that has two “u”s together like that?) and i felt i wanted to vacuum my room and she asked me to vacuum another large room up here where my friend and his five cats had stayed this lead me to cleaning that room, reorganizing our drying screens (for herbs) then cleaning/organizing my room putting everything away clearing the floor (as i had played VR today for a half hour for the first time since last weekend… and noticed how my play area had tons of clutter in it!) hours hours hours it seemed all of these attempts but when i walked back into my room after it was all cleaned and organized and vacuumed i felt SO GOOD both of my parents have very cluttered rooms and most of my life my room has always been very cluttered my apartment in NYC was always a depressing mess i’d clean it then quickly drown in it again it feels so good to clean the room of course i don’t really live here, do i? i’m living here now it’s kinda enough i told my mom what helped me keep my room clean though i didn’t say it like that i told my mom that in many ways my relationship with her now is very healthy for me she’s a good friend and that’s so nice to have a someone i can enjoy talking with, helping, being cared for by it’s so nice i’m so grateful golly, i certainly hope some day i can love and be loved by a man a lover a parter golly geese phew… anyway i fried some potatoes for myself for dinner cleaned up then came up to do my italian and write … i stared at the screen not knowing what to do so i just continued transcribing the hand written journal i kept at the three month meditation retreat i did in 2016 the video i made on 43.1 i mentioned a Buddhist practice of “five daily reflections” and that happened to be what i was transcribing today my friend Tony had mentioned that i didn’t put them in my writing for that day so i’m going to copy here some of what i transcribed today (with a little elaboration) : “ Annie’s Talk: Ayya Kehma Concentration Practice & “special effects” The Five Contemplations / Daily Reflections bringing these into the forefront of our minds uproots common delusion / pride / arrogance . our deal in Samsara: i’m going to age. i cannot avoid aging. i’m subject to illness. i cannot avoid illness i’m going to die: i cannot avoid death i will be separated from everything i hold dear. when i die or before i am heir to my Karma: whatever actions i perform, good or bad, i am heir to them. all the conditions that have ever existed to manifest ME is the path of Karma i am in. i am the embodiment of all of that and every choice i make is the continuation of that flow… This brings an Honesty into our lives, we cannot fool ourselves about our Human Existence. (and i talked with my mother about this today, oddly also it was in the transcription… she said she doesn’t think of herself as “old” though she is 70… she thinks she’s just… 30 or 40… but i said she should watch how it feels when she says “old” - in this culture it is a pejorative… the word “beautiful” often just means Young… many cultures admire and respect “old” people for their experience and wisdom… our culture finds it tedious and generally wants to get it out of the way or avoid it altogether) Mainstream People find OLD AGE UGLY - i find it beautiful: i have always fetishized the wrinkles, bushy eyebrows, the broadened pores … of course, the constant pain & failing faculties isn’t so attractive - i try with Yoga & vitamins to preempt that … but it’s Nature - it will come to all of us. in my youth, i assumed i would be dead by now… thought AIDS was going to kill me. The choice i made was not to live in fear & let Death come at me. i tried to be reasonable - Present… but still figured it inevitable, as i had been a weak, sickly child. The year i realized i was no longer afraid of AIDS & i would live to be an old man. i was shocked by both of these realizations - & that was the Year i got HIV - i had been living as if i had a compromised immune system my whole adult life - she mentions riding a bike without a Helmet. DEATH CAN COME AT ANY MOMENT LET GO OF YOUR CLINGING Love will be there. so reflect - are there still unwholesome qualities in us That we would wisely Abandon before our death? Now is the time! “just as a man who’s hair is on fire would use all his resources to put out the fire” Attachments to things. relationships. at the time we committed unskillful acts we didn’t have much wisdom… but now… with wisdom & mindfulness we won’t make the same mistakes She tells us stories of her life… Poor childhood in South Africa - middle class in London, full on American first world Problems in California. She Absolves herself to us. Dharma talk. … i looked back on last sunday - yes. i see her frustration with me - i do not show her respect… Her hopes that her rambling self-absorbed stories will illustrate points of wisdom is the same wish i have. the same insecurity that it’s just useless blathering. Who’s benefiting? some people? or are they just being Nice … so good to be presented with these challenging reflections - like her looking in her iPad & seeing how she’s really aging. Black Mirror. … i started to “sit” … to make this feeling go away. i felt the aversive urge to Metta… as i called Tony now, i remember, because i was fearful of Trump’s effect on the Ecology for Greed (Keystone Pipeline) then felt Karmic fear in my room over all i have stolen on the internet - like my van getting broken into, what will i suffer? so i didn’t move. i just sat - to see if i could Just sit and be with the horrible feeling i was feeling. Horrible, but i sat with it. Like rubbing a dog or cat’s nose in its own Piss: DON’T BE AN UNWHOLESOME ASSHOLE Now… kindness… kindness… Compassion arose! it did.
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