Stu responded to a description i put on my IG post about “dejavu” and delivering teeth saying it was like the beginning of a burroughs or bukowski novel perhaps i am a writer and everything i write feels like a piece? i imagined what would a book written by the blend of the two of them feel like? an alcoholic and drug addict there would have to be some strange supernatural thing drugs made from the teeth some human trafficking about tooth extraction . . . or dentists pulling teeth and my sister extracting something from the teeth to make some sort of mind altering substance . . . but to cross it with pizza-gate insanity it could be some sort of reduction of teeth that keep people young but transforms them into mugwumps reptilians? lanky black shadowy figures bilious cloudy characters sinuous streatched out beings or, perhaps they start growing fingernails instead of hair around their bodies scales teeth all over their head and arms perhaps, like in the FALLs, it affected different people differently but live forever all told in a deadpan, paranoid, hateful sort of way . . . i suppose i could write that but would i want to spend some time feeling so horrible? in such a horrible fantasy world? no, but it could be a good project, a good test. . . a good experiment. . . an exercise. ugh, a horror sci-fi paranoia novel exactly what i don’t like what i’m tired of oh, and fights of good against evil resulting in wars to save the world that too nope. …. so i wrote 1300 words of a story did some research and then retired for the night why write it? there is some sort of satisfaction to write all the hateful and paranoid impulses of the mind ”better out there than in here!” maybe i will write more tomorrow
43.26 i don’t need to be writing more. i need to be editing old writings hrmph. thoughts written from transcription today: theory of life struggle believe involving will power defeat/impossibility in transcribing from the red 3mo journal this evening i read something that reminded me of this idea in the Yamas or Niyamas of yoga that the yogi does not need possessions because everything is provided for by Ishvara i wondered if somehow some vow i made to enlightenment freedom moksha, whatever has put me in this place where i can have the whole world and so many things to do, opportunities, things amazing yes but i cannot willfully make things happen it always seems to be blocked unless i’m being of service to someone else and even then often i don’t do it . . . so that sounds like a bullshit excuse or i should just pray to ganesha or something but it is a belief i have about myself and have had for a long time i was writing about how Acts driven by Ego have caused me great misery and suffering and thought i must have made some sort of energetic block to prevent me from Ego satisfaction through Ego actions or perhaps other beings did it as a blessing to prevent me from attachment and further delusion and willful ignorance (avidya) ‘ ///: from these passages: Oh, something arose in the last sit: the insight of Awakening & No More Rebirth (Liberation) Being An “OLD Soul” The Net that binds me to Samsara is very complex. every life it gets more intricate & i have had Many. . . So there is No unraveling consciously. there is no figuring it all out. it’s way too deep. However, the root of all karmas are Ignorance: The Truth IS: This is All An Illusion. All of it is and has always been (i mourned, yesterday. . . & even today, turned away from having to give up The Lover. The Other which the whole Dance is With. The Other, the Lover, is just as illusory as everything else: “Everything i do: i do it for you. YOU” Sorry Buddy - No one Here. No one There. . . ) [no one but these horses][nobody but these monkeys] So. WAKING UP ENTIRELY shatters all of the Ignorance, thus Destroying all the seeds of Karma. No Karma. . . No Potential Karma. Nothing To Bring You Back to Samsara. . . I imagine that when that happens & your Body dies.. there is an equally long process Awakening from the Subtle Body? & The Inner body? Layers…. Yoga attempts to unify them all & do away with them in one fell swoop. so does Buddhism. is it just POOF: Lights Out? (after a long Hallucinatory reliving of everything - or floating out & away & under [shade]?) i imagine it’s like DMT - cease to Exist. - until the craving returns & all of the Prakriti re-form. i still don’t understand the point of getting free & leaving the Machinery Running . . . but then, that’s not up to us - we have to let it go. . . & if our purusha does get entangled again it will have no relation to us. . . except that all beings are related & all is one. / ooooo - reading the Doctrine of karma in YUSP now - i realize that i used to identify & often speak of being an agent of the universe. . . though i still had passions & desires & was entangled. . . i was actively, naïvely, renouncing them. Deciding to settle in New York was an act of Ego - Thus more Karmas ripened. . . & yet. . . i was still not free to act as my Ego. . . as i had seen many times before. . . which is what led me to the Wandering Life. i cannot write the book of my life because it is not the will of which ever god i am beholden to & the conditions aren’t fit for it: not an option, really: thus: hasn’t happened. though the Ego, in its special Ego time (Birthday window) has circumvented it slightly. . . the full intention has not manifested. . . & probably will not. & its mostly confusion, Delusion & suffering anyway. . . so would probably hurt anyone who read it more than free them. Ah, to renounce writing would free me a great deal more: Does Anyone ( Besides this Ego - who doesn’t Exist ) Benefit from these writings? ../ Thus, Heather Booth was an Angel that Delivered me back to Yoga. . . which i smiled by Stealing the book. . . & have since Perverted into an Ego attribute. . . as it has been Perverted by Samsara into an Ego/commerce Market, making it more difficult to use for liberation from Samsara because The key to Liberation has become Entangled in the web of Bondage. / as i was leaving the room (i just got back from a walk) i noticed my story is so often that prodigal son shit - oh, fallen from Grace - o - redeemed! oh, to be Pure again! Give it up! i talked with Mom, forgetting today is the day before “Thanksgiving” - she always has meltdowns around holidays - so she was having one. i told her to drop Karen & be God. she told me i had to give her the Tools! i reminded her i had left instructions on her voicemail a month ago for Metta Meditation - which she completely ignored, & told her, again, to get & read TBoL&D. i told her she needs to stop casting Larry as the Badguy, That she should look at him for a few months as if she’d never met him. She should think of him as her bird feeder: often there is nothing there, though she fills it with seed (and an open heart) & sometimes the squirrels come & eat the seed (when he’s purposefully mean) but she needs to not —— the squirrels & love the birds. focus on loving the Birds. Look him with Love. . . he is God, same as she - i told her the 5 daily reflections. she didn’t like them & fought with me over 2 & got depressed over 4. . . i reminded her they are facts of all Human’s lives & accepting them will set her free from the fear of them & encourage her to put aside Hatred and appreciate the time she has. Then i called Louis & talked with hi a bit. Family Drama. An opportunity to Love. in walking, i noticed i was thinking/feeling like this in 2011. . . when i was doing Zen Meditation thanks to Marc, come to think of it…. & early in the helping Leo Die experience. . . before reaturning to NYC & having my breakdown, Maybe. . . so i guess that was end of 2010! so, yeah, these three months have, apparently, undone, in part, the Tamasic degradation i’ve been suffering these last 5 years. i read Anya Khema’s book a few days ago. “each negative thought degrades the mind. “‘i hate this, i don’t want to, i can’t, i’ll never. . . ‘ they all weaken the person . . . (BNGN.P169) - i really feel i should read the last two chapters of that book every day. . . Then probably every chapter. still makes me cry. /
43.25 - it looks like it’s all flowers, can’t ignore the beauty. . . our gardens, sister’s gardens, two other friends’ gardens! it’s so nice to appreciate all the beauty. . . and the torrential rains today, many times. . . also packing. . . also traveling. . . also having friends over to pick our herbs for their own potioning . . . feeding them from our bounty. . . what joy. pretty good day then, yeah. . .
the fasting is rolling along mom surprised how easy it is so time something old and familiar last full day here for ten days i’ll miss the garden walking naked outside and hanging with my mom but i’m looking forward to some alone time how will i use it? we shall see it was nice, today, to see a fellow i know from NYC also visiting his parents in indiana we lay and cuddled and talked for a few hours i felt it would be fun to have a video series of cuddling and talking telling stories about “first times” and coming out… would have been a good “pride month” project, eh? good night for now
i’m really not making the time to write that i wish i were. . . but i gardened naked in the rain an hour today. had a 90 minute session i had forgot i booked. surprise! talked with a fella for two hours in a parking lot: gemini twins. re-made my massage oil to make it more viscous . . . and watched a long and heart-touching movie (the green mile) then looked out into the night and watched the fireflies flicker. . . good enough for now
somewhere in there is a picture of me. i obsessed all night hours in Mario Kart nothing nothing looking though all the ways people could send me messages just to feel the touch of them not to reply the moon travelled across the sky i didn’t sleep til the sky was lightening i only slept three hours i don’t know how i made it through the day and accomplished so much so much laying naked outside (ok, that was very short, twice) so much letting things slide so much listening to music harvesting chamomile fertilizing the beds preparing the new massage oil cleaning and sorting talking and listening on the phone wondering if i’d made a mistake watching a Wes Anderson film with my mother - she didn’t like it but today i thought to take pictures but couldn’t decide them well i wanted green i wanted sky there is thinking of mexico for the winter there is thinking of Thailand - can i pick up where i left off? -impossible- (“only not to be of use”) im giving up solid foods for a while oh all these beautiful fat bodies can i give them up? the fire flies flicker i must go to sleep there isn’t enough strawberry moon it will be ok anyway
. . . my mother paid a friend of hers to give me a massage for my birthday. it was excruciating, very deep, fast: a massage therapist trained to work at a spa has to work fast. . . and she likes working deep. . . so it just hurts. i always like to work slowly so i can work deep without hurting people. i certainly hope i don’t hurt people that much. i don’t know if that’s a good experience or not. i slept afterwards and felt very out of it for the rest of the day. zombified. . . i did make me want to go back to south east asia so i can get massage regularly. anyone want to go to thailand with me? (big cuddly bears don’t do well in hot humid areas without AC. . . i’m destined to travel alone. . . )
i forgot to set my alarm this morning and slept in til ten which was plenty of time to prepare for my client at 12:30 i had two clients scheduled when i woke up this morning two others asked for sessions i took one more had one yesterday too getting a massage (as a birthday gift) tomorrow all three clients today were new to me yesterday’s said “ok, this is officially the best massage i’ve ever had” midway through the session both he and my first today i was their first “gay” massage the guy today was 65 and had only had two massages before me both on cruises i really aim to bring love and care to my sessions but also education and simply pleasure all that i don’t shy away from pain either but do my best to keep pain on the side of pleasure yesterday’s client was someone i cruised years ago handed him my card in passing - this was our first meeting and after the massage was finished we laid in bed cuddling and listened to the entirety of Fear Of Music (am i repeating myself? it was awesome) today i got to teach so much teach taoism sciattic stretches testicle self-massage the energetic fundamentals of love-making the history of gay culture vs hemophilia in mediterranean cultures astrological ego positionings and secondary progressions with each of them i felt an immediate “old friend affection” i described the process of generating that to one of them but i have such inertia i was able to see, feel, appreciate it happening automatically especially with the last one however i know it’s not healthy for me to give three a day (but it had been a week since my last session, and i plan to take next week off) the last half hour of the third my hands started to hurt and i felt my energy bottoming out my whole body was sore by the time i got home 9 hours of detailed attention giving heavy body moving subtle energy channeling breaking up binding plowing through tension i’m so grateful after a year of almost no massage so grateful for the work the money the intimacy the appreciation the beauty: bodies still amazed at Bodies and now i’m so grateful i can go to sleep i wish i could massage everyone love you sleep well
i woke up and got busy right away. the days have been passing as if many are happening each day. my sister came to visit last night. chicken pot pie and brownies. jack box games. friends. . . my energy is such slump. . . but i went down to meet a man i’d handed my card to while passing him in a bar years ago. . . he hired me today. after the massage we lay in bed listening to the entirety of Fear Of Music it must be love! i played him some other songs then drove home through the night air i could sleep outside but i want to sleep long and i have two clients tomorrow so the inside bed and a melatonin it is “we just know that you will do fine” ”we love you”
there was a great storm last night mall night the thunder hammered branches fell rain fell lots and lots of rain i drempt of old friends are they dead now? they looked much better than when last i saw them i remember the passion what was the rest of the time? ”we should watch a movie together we should do coke together we should make love together we should sleep together i am just here to pleasure you” all the way out to Avenue O … i was in a forest sleeping next to someone hello old friend this one that one good as new good as any unique name name that's ok he didn’t sleep well i did though i kept waking all that noise and all that feeling … this morning i gave a good massage then went to Cataract Falls i remember going there often in my youth (maybe only once) i remember the water was low and walking out into the rock bed the holes from time time can be seen clearly cut through by water “the largest waterfall in indiana” (“oh, Owen: are you there. . . ?”) today the banks were swollen the river chocolate milk torrent there was a large tree perhaps the largest tree in Indiana an honor to be in its presence and trees that flower and a sense that things were “back to normal” and everyone suffers with what they have. . . even if / especially if it’s everything they want … perhaps my cold sore is getting too involved being “an angel in a land of sunshine” where freedom has a different meaning all i can do is witness and be model freedom to the best i can be free what is the beat use of my being? i don’t know yet but for now its just this
i've not been sleeping much the last few weeks... or sleeping well. mostly going to sleep very late at night/early in the morning... the brain all spun up "posting" things... then looking at replies... then... spinning in neutral, just like the good old days, so playing games or reading things into the wee hours. last night i could not pull myself away from the screen... that strange intrinsic need... "there is something i need to get from here, something i need to do..." no rest came until after 5:30am... so when i woke four hours later.. i felt like my body was a burnt, dried out husk... before i opened my eyes, i heard rain out the window, i started connecting with resources... what... this going to sleep so late at night, this sleeping so little is making me Yin Deficient... so i connected with Kan, the great immeasurable lake of potential... somewhere at the bottom of everything, behind all things, under neath, beside of, inside of... potential. the essence of Yin... i remembered a practice, so put my attention in my testicles and connected with Yin there and pulled UP! ... i wasn't sure if i was just draining my sexual energy... though i'm sure that would be fine, i've been masturbating daily as well for many weeks (as i had sometime in the night before i went to sleep)... mercury retrograde or so near the solstice, i'm not sure... but i'm back in the habit of that... anyway, the sensation of pulling the energy through the testicles and up into the rest of the body was very powerful. quite a "high". i felt it lubricating and nourishing what felt so dry and dusty before... so grateful. after doing this for a while, i started cycling through the elements... then manipulating the energy in other ways... and as my brain got recharged the "teaching" voice started blathering ... and i rolled out of bed, drank some water, and set up the iPad to record a video. 40 minutes. good little practice. teaching and more nourishing of self. good to share. this morning i've driven my father to pick up one of his vehicles and he's headed off to Alaska i went out to the garden to harvest the rest of the Chamomile and some more snap peas then ate some radish greens with eggs and chicken... then some brussle sprout salad now i'm going to rest a bit then head down south to see some water falls i haven't been to for many years then spend the night with a stranger in the forest i may not post again tonight see if there is a signal don't know but that's the message for today
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