(i’ve had many ideas, written pieces, compiled links and stats to prove some kind of point, to help people feel less scared. . . but i’ve ben terrified too. . . i was watching the sunset from the beach a few days ago. . . and got out my phone and started writing
here’s some stuff i’ve been thinking and feeling about over the past month)
when i arrived here
i was traveling
i had plans
i was going to be here a month
but that still felt very temporary
there were things i wanted to see and do here
relax
rest
then move on to the next adventure
now i’m just here.
today i sorted through the things in my bag
zipped it up, after these five weeks
put the clothes for the mountains, for the winter, away in the bag
and put the bag father back on the bed loft i’m not using
no travel for now
i took out all my pills
and refilled my daily use canister again
once a week
or
every 8 days
as things split out
but instead of putting the pills back in their traveling bag
i put them on the shelf
i’m living here.
i cleaned out some bags
divided the various fried peanuts i bought yesterday into reused zip lock packages
mixed some chocolate in there
one bag chilie and garlic
one just garlic
both with salt
hung the food bags on the walls
to deter scavenging rodents and ants
i’m here
indefinitely
. . .
i sure am sweating a lot today
and tired
and feeling the heat
the sun seems stronger
maybe the “global dimming” is, indeed, decreasing
will it raised the surface temperature globally?
/
i went into town yesterday
get more cash
and see what i could buy at the market
the big weekly market had
indeed
been cancelled
the banks, however, were not closed
so many fearful rumors going around
did the airports close?
were those planes
actually
flying empty?
an indigenous mother and daughter got on
on the way out there
they noticeably coughed a few times
. . . are they aware what’s going on?
the night before
a different mother and daughter were coughing at the fruit stand
but they were tourists
i’m sure they were aware
what they might have
i’ve been coughing a bit the last few days
just a little bit
my balance is a bit off too
but i can smell fine
a woman got on the bus
from long island
long time hippie
grew up out near the hamptons
she says it’s been ruined by people from NYC
how can you blame her for saying that?
Money Ruins Everything
people aren’t just people anymore
social
local fishemen
instead
it’s rich people
out there to be antisocial
well, richer than the locals
so she moved down here for the winters
almost thirty years ago
she goes up in the summers
to make her money from those richer people
then comes down here
where she’s richer
she says she hoped to get the virus soon
and get it over with
so she doesn’t have to worry about it
and gets immunity.
i agree
but will we get immunity?
we both believe that being down here is a great place to get it
clean air, clean water, crashing waves good for clearing the lungs
lots of space
and sun
and fruit
good food
lots of good plant medicine
a very good place to get it
where the body is well nourished by the natural energies
we discuss balance
the earth keeps making plagues
and clever humans figure them out and stop them
but the earth knows what balance she needs
and she will just keep trying to kill us off
until it’s more sustainable for her
how do you want to die?
of cancer? dementia? heart attack? stroke(s)?
in a wave of plague?
nuclear winter?
global flood?
it’s been done before. . .
we will all die eventually
what’s the big problem?
. . .
i was asked recently what shadow elements of myself i’m struggling with
i sighed heavily and said
“maybe that i don’t believe in a future. i never have. . . but there have always been socially indoctrinated unconscious motivations caused by this expectation of some Future. . . ive been working to dismantle those pretty intensely for the last few years. . . but it does seem to make it difficult to do anything without a Future. . . still, i don’t struggle, i. . . am practicing being like the mouse caught by the snake. . . when it has been squeezed tight enough, before it dies, it accepts its fate. . . like cattle being squeezed in those gates. . . i just relax into it, know there is no escape. . . and that i am just as much the snake as i am the mouse.”
. . .
my throat has been sore the last few days
is it because i ate cookies for lunch saturday
and cakes for dinner sunday?
am i stress eating?
i go from moments of peace and tranquillity
to being absolutely insane
these last two days
maybe it’s fever
i’m so tired
i don’t have any energy to be crazy
what a relief!
. . .
the herbalist i imagined should be here since i arrived
i finally met two weeks ago
cool hippie girl that makes soaps and salves and tinctures
just like i imagined there should be here
why hadn’t i seen her sooner?
she’d been away
and doesn’t plan to sell on the street very often
she’s staying away from town
because
you know. . .
she says she’s taking echinacea and red quinine tinctures everyday
and drinking neem tea constantly
why worry so much?
she’s young and strong
if it’s not
“it’s not IF but WHEN”
why not greet it as a friend
weather it
and get past it?
i bought a tincture from her i’d never heard of
it was called Gordolobo
but the back explained it was good for cough, bronchitis, fever, and antiviral and antiseptic
sounds perfect
i looked it up
it’s a plant i’ve never heard of in the USA
only grows in texas there
they call it “winged cudweed”
and there was no herbalist knowledge i could find in english
only spanish
though they also call mullein “gordolobo”
this one is the other
Pseudognaphalium viscosum
my mind was assuming the spanish name meant “great leaf”
i didn’t run it through a translator
someone pointed out today
it means “fat wolf”
which one wins?
“the one you feed”
. . .
i noticed my lymph feeling full and thick in my throat
it got all blocked up two weeks ago
i got an ear infection
after two days of stagnance
i bought ear drops
started chewing gum all day (i read on line)
and doing exercises and humming
i was very tired and had little energy
like i am now
parts of my body are sore that haven’t been
have no reason to be
lower back
shoulders
but then
i could have Dengue. . . or Zika. . . remember them?
. . .
i’ve noticed how difficult it is not to touch the face
eyes
ears
nose
always itchy, or something
i only notice i’m rubbing them with my fingers
when i’m doing it
when i saw the guys from canada on the main street two nights ago
we talked for a while
and when they said goodbye
one
you know, instinctually
leaned forward and kissed me on the lips
another dude
who i think is an asshole
but he might just be on vacation
you know: people on Vacation are The Worst
i just travel all the time
so i can’t ever really go on vacation
this is just my life
but people on vacation
they are, ahem, Entitled to Having A Good Time
everyone, everything is here to Entertain them
just at the beginning of the panic
they invited me to a birthday party for his husband
that became a sex party
in a very insulting way. . .
i told them i wasn’t drinking or smoking
but then there was kissing and some sex
and i felt so uncomfortable
i left
but
you know
we’d already all been
close
i avoided them after that
but was always polite
i saw him yesterday
his voice was very horse
he talked about quarantining when he got back to Alabama
he probably won’t be contagious anymore by then
. . .
when i was doing my qigong this morning
i noticed how painful the lymph glands in my groin are
i’m glad i’m keeping moving
but could only do two sets
then my body was tired
i listen
jumped in the ocean and swam around a while
the ocean isn’t relaxing here
it will fucking kill you
i dove under for a mikvah
then had to lay on my back and float
while the current pulled me near those huge rocks it would have no problem smashing me against
i swam against the current and climbed onto shore
i noticed how hard i was breathing
how deeply tired i was
just from that. . .
i looked at the silverdaddy
doing yoga with his young boyfriend
i kept a good twenty feet away from him
. . .
when i went to the beach yesterday morning
a handsome irishman i’d played with a few times
before the panic
came by to tell me he was flying back to ireland
we talked for ten minutes
and
as i do
i offered him little meditation hints
to try and short circuit his panic cycle
he stood there awkwardly
we had not touched anyone here for two weeks
i asked if he wanted a hug goodbye
and he said “yes” like someone who was starving
we’re starving
we hugged for ten minutes
our faces over each other’s shoulders
so we weren’t breathing each other’s breath
in full body contact
for a moment
he’ll be be sharing air with people on an airplane for 17 hours before he’s home
hope he weathers his quarantine well
. . .
i’m a hypochondriac
is my nose runny?
am i sneezing because of dust?
sunlight?
was that a cough?
that was a cough.
perhaps where my bronchials divide is irritated
i can feel a heaviness there
like a stone
i think i can breath fine, though
i’m breathing fine
i can hold my breath
and sing
i’ve got a headache
is that really a head ache?
i’ve had a headache for days
and i get tired easily
hot weather
of course
i haven’t been taking a siesta in mexico
now is a good time to start
i hadn’t been sleeping well
too much reading about the nightmare
ugh
the potential nightmare
all the imaginary potential nightmares
disconnect
meditate
first thing in the day
last thing in the day
and at sunset
and maybe mid day too
every time i talk with friends from the USA
something sends me spinning
but i’m hearing the waves crash
i’m waking up at five every morning
or four
i look up and see Saturn and Jupiter and Mars
Mars has been making its way past Jupiter
yes
time is changing
time is passing
Mars is on its way to Saturn
i’m not so sure i want to feel that
but
i don’t really have a choice
. . .
when i arrived here
it was mid february
still height of tourist season
tons of people here
parties on the weekend
loud fucking thump thump thump
from all the way across the beach
ricocheting up the hill where my room is
nothing to block the sound
kept me up all night
fucking raves
but it only happened on the weekend
and not every one
in early march
the main street
which had always been packed at night
became empty
shocking
the beach
still busy
but much less people
the waves started ripping all the sand away
creating huge sand cliffs
how dramatic
how a beach can change
it looks now
like the beach is almost six feet lower
in certain areas
exposing rocks that i’d not seen before
someone tells me the beach is always changing
he’s seen it much smaller than this
that’s a normal part of Beaches
i have few life goals right now
but an old set was
Live Near Water
i always wanted to live where i could look out my window and see the sea
and another place
to see a river
and another
to see a lake
right there
from my house
i realize i’m getting one of those now
i will be here at least two more months
i think
maybe longer. . .
lately
i thought i was hearing the rave music again
what the fuck?
but then i noticed i was hearing it all morning
and any other times i was in my room
ah
i listened closer
there is a beat
what’s that called?
like a bass rush?
the beats compress and get faster until they are a fast hard cacophony
that’s not electronic music
that’s the waves crashing against the rocks
the newly exposed rocks
echoing and amplifying the sound
rolling up the hill into my room
an acoustic shell
ah
the main street is still pretty dead
but lots of new people have arrived on the beach
fleeing the cities
they aren’t the rich people who have country houses
they come here to relax
so they don’t have to isolate in the city
they can walk on the beach
most of them aren’t naked
and some
are noticeably
on vacation
posing on the rocks
against the waves
against the setting sun
selfies
showing off their sexy dress
their sexy body
being photographed by their lover
or producer
or pimp
pulling down their daisy dukes
exposing their ass to the camera
a grandma sits in a chair holding a margarita
one grand daughter making an ottoman of her back
the other holding a palm frond over her
while the boy takes the picture
it’s just people having a good time
the people working the restaurants in town
take money and give food
refill drinks and give food
hand out the menus
and serve food
those hard working women are still walking the beach
serving slices of cake
flan, choco-flan, pastel de queso, tres leches
people are playing in the waves
laughing
and coughing
and lounging on the beach
. . .
my neighbor left
he got into a spiral panic
changed his mind every few minutes
he was going to stay here til this all ended
he was ready to go home today
i tried to help him book tickets
he couldn’t get what he wanted
he couldn’t understand
that he couldn’t get what he wanted
he panicked that the galleries wouldn’t be able to sell any of his paintings
i tried to explain to him that no one was able to make money right now
it’s not just him
he couldn’t understand that
i told him that if he couldn’t enjoy being here
if he was just going to be terrified and miserable
it would be better for him to be at home
where things were more familiar
and he had a support network
family and friends
he had told me i was his real friend
and he seemed like one of those people that i didn’t know how he had survived to this age
“there is always someone who comes along to take care of everything”
i didn’t want to be that someone
i didn’t want a neurotic dependent
he interrupted me often to ask me to fix things on his phone
or explain to him how to use instagram
he said
“yes, perhaps i should go. . . i should go home. it’s better for you to stay here. . . because you don’t have a home to go to”
i was glad when he finally left
. . .
another canadian told me the airport was closing soon
that they were screening people for fever before they got on the flight
and the flight was overbooked
maybe he couldn’t get on?
maybe i’d see him on the beach again
i haven’t
he told me the boys down in the cove at night were panic fucking
nothing like the threat of death to make guys grasp for Eros
some crazy orgy
i hadn’t felt comfortable in that cove for over a week
maybe that was why
i’d gone there often to watch the sunset
but in the time i’ve been here
the sun has moved so far north
i can’t see it set into the ocean anymore
so why go there?
less “to do”
more relaxing
more time to rest
. . .
the people who come from the cities. . .
a straight couple are making love in the waves as i write this
nothing to worry about
it would look good in a magazine
. . .
there is a woman in her 70s
staying at the same place i stay
she wakes up every morning before the sunrise
like i do
but i sit in a chair
or “embracing the tree”
to watch the sun rise from the hill
she walks the beach in the dark
one mile
to the other end
then back
and when she is back at our side
she exercises
and practices her Aikido forms
and practices with her bo, eh, Staff
i feel
somehow
more comfortable
knowing she is staying where i am
a seventy-something warrior protector
this morning
she was instructing a boy i’ve watched do other forms
she kept throwing him to the ground
. . .
though i can lock my room
the door could easily be broken in
i’ve found inconspicuous places to hide my passport
wallet
and cash
split up between various places
like a good immigrant
refugee
(we are all refugees now)
i feel i get this from my polish side
whenever i squirrel money away
i imagine i’m an old polish lady
during the war
(and forevermore)
/
“it’s better to finish something
rather than it
just
stopping”
/
since i’ve been here
most days
i’ve been eating fruit all morning
then have one cooked meal a night
now i have all these peanuts
i can have cooked meals less
fruit and protein
and multivitamins
who could ask for anything more?
. . .
some mornings i’ve done three hours of practice
meditation
yoga
qigong
push-up and sit-ups and back-lifts
some mornings i don’t do anything
every day i at least do my simple movements
and meditate a while
i’ve had a million ideas i could write
some way to help people panicking
sequestered at home
but i don’t have faith i can say anything useful
there’s so much information
everyone needs to be entertained
so i often think of sharing this silence with them
this noise
of the waves
this breath of the wind
this heat of the sun
and on the mornings i practice a lot
i identify with all beings
give the practice to all of us
whatever good that may do
open it up
offer it
spread it around
be out side
with the sun on you
you’re not a criminal for that
/
this beach is called
The Beach Of Death
it’s old indigenous name
maybe that’s because the rip tides kill a lot of people
maybe
as some old story said
they came here to push the bodies of their dead relatives into the waves
but it’s called the beach of death
i’ve been thinking about death the whole time i’ve been here
a friend told me
Mexicans think
having a fear of death
is Vulgar
they celebrate death
they party with it
every year they eat and dance with their dead relatives
. . .
i watched a bitch in heat being chased by a horny dog yesterday
eventually he will breed her
there will be more puppies
there will be more death
i haven’t seen any dead dogs here
but was surprised yesterday
when the gardner from long island
told me the dogs here often carry a sexually transmitted disease
. . . of course dogs have those too
i’d never thought of it
it was a horrible feeling
watching that bitch trying to fight off those horny male dogs
who kept pursuing her
it came up while i was meditating
i opened my eyes to it
and witnessed
and felt it
knowing she would eventually give in
they ran down the beach
and i closed my eyes again
man-o-war washed up on the beach a few days ago
yesterday
i found a swollen spiney puffer fish
(i picked it up in a coconut shell and took it to the trash- wouldn’t want to swim into that. . . or step on it in the dark)
i also saw a bird leg floating in the water where i was about to jump in
water filled with feathers
don’t want to jump in there
i moved on down the beach
and saw a dead fish with a very long snout today
thin long fish
what’s that?
why so much death today?
so much death every day
we just don’t often notice it.
i’d caught a dead seahorse my first week here when i was swimming in one of these feted tides
it seemed innocent
we all thought it was amazing i’d seen it floating in the muck
and caught it
/
i love watching the naked people walk by
yes
sometimes i love seeing the women’s bodies
any naked body gives me some joy
it’s the world i’d want to live in
and i am right now
but most of the men i’m attracted to
are walking with wives
not boyfriends
nice bearded guys with round muscular bellies
because they walk the beach many times a day
very tanned
the men come and go
after the first week here
i stopped trying to talk to all the ones i found attractive
i was reminded
it’s much better to enjoy from a distance
than get involved
many of them
i get to see every day
and there is an ever changing cast
i miss giving massage
but
maybe i’ll get to do that again some day
. . .
a big tall white daddy
walks down the beach
hand in hand
with his short, slim, mexican lover
i saw them laying on a blanket earlier today
there are a few couples i’ve talked with
it’s nice that they can travel together
and be happy together
sometimes
and touch
sometimes
. . .
a short, stocky mexican american from LA is here
we did a thai massage trade when he arrived
before the panic started
his husband is from indiana
he describes him as
“a big guy, like you”
and it’s all relative
i like big guys
in this situation
i’m the big guy
from indiana
simple and grounded (?)
strong and reassuring
i’ve been trying to help him with his phone for various things
try as we might
nothing works
like trying to help the german guy with his phone
like trying to fix the internet at the place i’m staying
it seems my tech powers are failing me
and/or
Mercury just really does not like being in Pisces
(“it’s least favorite sign”)
i spent four hours at the computer place today trying to fix my phone
i’m on the iphone upgrade program for the last two years
seems like a good idea, right?
a week after getting here
my phone bricked
it’s been a useless hot supercomputer displaying only an apple logo since then
whenever i plug it in
every few days
hoping something might change
i’ve waited to get it restored
thinking the new iOS would allow me to save my data
but doesn’t look like it will work like that
i’ll lose all the movies and books and recordings i brought with me
and the last 700 photos i took on it
i’m glad i brought my 5 year old phone with me that i’ve not updated the operating system on and optimized the battery and processor usage. . . it works enough.
three hours last week trying to restore the fancy new phone
internet crashed
fail.
tried it again today
his hacked itunes wasn’t connecting with the update server
“sorry: computer says No”
sorry: there is nothing you can do now
just wait
just wait.
///
i’m grateful i can meditate on the beach
i often do it at sunset
the propaganda has me always tuck my bag under my leg so it can’t be stolen
but the sea breeze keeps the flies off me
and whenever i open my eyes
it’s beautiful
sometimes
it’s beautiful through and through
inside and out
i keep practicing
. . .
the death tolls of the NYC celebrities are rolling in now
friends of friends
people i’ve never heard of
people i’ve admired
everyone has to die sometime
how are my friends doing?
how are the celebrities in LA doing?
they’re usually socially distant there, aren’t they?
i think of the cities
the air there
all the lungs already so irritated
i imagine riding my bike through the empty NYC streets
i’ve always been away from the city
when the blackouts happen
when the hurricanes strike
when the plague comes
i don’t plan it like that
sometimes i feel i’ve missed an opportunity
right now
i’m glad i’m not there
. . .
i ॐ into the fading colors of the sunset
i feel the pain in my chest
maybe it’s just my heart
the shengzhen point
maybe it’s not my bronchials at all
i’m just sad
and scared
how many little things bring tears to my eyes these last few weeks?
how many times a day?
in my meditation
i’m chanting
and tapping my chest
and images of
Terence McNally dying in a hospital bed come to mind
and then i think of all the nurses and doctors
working with the people panicking
freaking out
and dying
i think of them
some friends of mine
bravely
in the face of fear
it hurts
it’s terrifying to think of
oh yeah
i’ve been trying to practice compassion
this is the perfect opportunity
remain connected, not attached
open your heart into suffering
i move my attention closer to that image
while chanting
and tapping my chest
i open my heart to them
to their fear
to their fierceness
to their panic and exhaustion
to their suffering
i love you
thank you
i can sit in peace for a moment after that
the sky is dark when i open my eyes
Venus is bright
i’m so tired
/
it could just be a function of this schedule i’m on
again
my room is an acoustic shell
it’s location
i hear the bass thunder through this hill
perhaps from the blow hole at the point here
or the arch that the waves rush through just off the point
but the waves wake me up
they aren’t “soothing” decibel level waves
they are loud up here
when i had an ear infection
it was painful to hear them for a few days
i’m sleeping in this mostly cement room
underneath
a glorious hippie house
that was destroyed by a hurricane
about ten years ago
so it looks like a haunted house now
i’m in its basement
i guess
and there are three rooms next to me mostly wood
and
scarier than mine
i think
though the german artist loved the second-most dilapidated one
different tastes
anyway
the first day i slept here i loved the sounds
i slept with the door and window wide open
no one near me
perched on a cliff above a cove at the end of the beach
but the loud wave sounds woke me up at 5
i’ve been closing the door since then
at least to deflect some of the sound
but leave the window open
still
i’ve been waking up at five almost every morning
that’s about 90 mins before sunrise
sometimes i wake up at 4
sometimes, rarely, 6 or 7
the only time
i think
in my life
that i’ve regularly gone to sleep at 10pm
or earlier
and woken around 4 or five
regularly
is at those meditation retreats
so it’s been easy to bring meditation into my days here
and this
suggested social distancing
situation
is similar to meditation retreats as well
but with even more space
i wave at people
some friendly old codgers i’ve been friendly with
reach out and touch me with their elbows
touching elbows. . .
the panic pall settled over the beach
at least for me
and i just stopped being near people
rarey talk to anyone
and have started to find it exhausting when people talk at me
i needed a meditation retreat this year
i didn’t expect i’d get one at a place named after a romanticized asian paradise
that’s also on a nude beach
but i’m so appreciating the cool mornings
the clear skies
bright stars
early nights
early mornings
healthy wealthy and wise?
maybe eventually
. . .
/
chinese medicine has this idea of certain hours of the day being associated with specific elemental energies and organs
i got an app that tells you “natural time”
that is
sets the clock based on the sun being at its zenith to 12/noon
based on your gps location
we all have our exactly location pinpointed now, right?
may as well know what time it “really” is
i woke this morning
natural time
3am
which is the beginning of the Lung hour
coughed up some sputum
. . .
mars is making its way
almost halfway to saturn
/
yesterday
when i was washing my hands
and the plate
after cutting the pineapple
in the laundry room
mud room
sand room?
utility sink. . .
ah
see
my pleasant little cave of a room
in the basement of the destroyed house
on the cliff looking out over the whole bay
it’s. . . back stage
to get to it
i walk by the laundry area
the drying lines
the trash cans
always smelling of some rotting food
but not too bad
my room is far enough away
i don’t smell it
.. sometimes there are lots of ants i have to be careful of
the german was cutting his fruit and just throwing it off the cliff under our rooms
so i started doing the same
then the thousand ants showed up
walking right by our doors
and down the cliff
to cut up the grapefruit, banana, and papaya peels
to take the dust of this detritus
back to their nest
so many ants
not a problem
unless i stand in their stream
in the dark
when i walk out to look at the sky
they don’t like that
and pinch my toes
owwww!
what was i. . . ?
when
i
was
washing my hands
plates
yes
at the utility sink
the area
quite cluttered
washing machines
and buckets everywhere
wash rags had been emptied out of buckets
left next to the sink
and i noticed
that is
yesterday morning
a gecko
dead on the wash rag
the limbs entirely covered with ants
i looked into his open eyes. . .
had he climbed on the wash rags
and been instantly poisoned by their toxic cleaning chemicals?
such porous skin they must have. . .
the ants don’t seem to mind
. . .
i had a busy
disappointing day
again
the nice thing about the fatigue
was i was too tired to be frustrated or angry
i took a siesta
and when i got up
i ate something
or drank something
and wanted to wash my hands
i remembered the gecko
and looked over at him
. . . his bones were already exposed
all along his limbs
the sides of his ribs
his face was still intact
sorry buddy
of course
i wondered
what if i did die. . .
would people find me
before the ants stripped my body?
. . .
i’m sure this virus isn’t going to kill me
i was raised in a pandemic. . .
remember AIDS?
when i came to consciousness of sexuality
and being gay
the equation was: you’re gonna die
so i just assume i was going to die of AIDS
when i came out as being gay to my mom at 18
she cried for 4 hours
when i
then
appolgized to her for it upsetting her so much that i was gay
she said
“oh honey, i’m not crying because you’re gay. . . i’m crying because i don’t want to see you die of AIDS.”
oh
shit was real back then
did you know?
over three quarters of a million people still die of AIDS EVERY YEAR
there are about 39 million people living with HIV in the world
and over 20 million of them live in Africa.
so, yeah
i thought i would die in my 20s. . .
but in my mid 20s
the first time i paid rent in NYC
i had this strange paradigm shift
i had met many people in those recent years living with HIV
some of them were a fucking nightmare mess
but most of them were just fine
some of them were not even on meds
never had been
and never had significant health problems
i had an HIV+ lover in California
(what a beast he was. . . )
suddenly
i realized i wasn’t going to die of AIDS
and it was like getting smacked in the face by the sky
like i slid sideways against what i thought was reality
and found myself standing on the wall
which was now
the new ground
i saw myself as an old man
long grey hair and beard
fuck
really?
i’m
going to live to be old?
i was simultaneous relieved and exasperated
how very gemini of me
. . .
ah
so
i haven’t ever been worried about this novel virus killing me
i just. . . know it won’t
it’s not my time yet
i am worried about it killing people i like
coz i like a lot of old people
i’ve always found old people so beautiful
i don’t want them to die
but they all will eventually.
. . .
i watch the fat old men i find beautiful walking the beach
and i think of this rare window in history
when so many people can be fat
and can go anywhere they want
and do anything they want
everything changes
we can’t get away with it forever
but it’s been fun, right?
for some of us. . .
. . .
i woke up this morning
my clock reading 3:47
what the fuck
everything felt
wrong somehow
i shuttered a deep cough
and thick tarry sputum came up
that’s the word
fuck.
i lay there with it in my mouth
my entire being one long sigh
i got out of bed and spat the symptom over the cliff
i looked up at mars
making his way towards saturn
almost at the midpoint
the three of them were making a very flat obtuse triangle
damn
i felt exhausted
annoyed
dreary
i did not want to be awake
and i didn’t want to have to go through this
but this is what’s happening
i blessed my water
as i’ve being doing
almost every morning
for a year
connecting with the archetype of Water/Yin
channeling it
into the bottle
asking this water in the bottle to be imbued with these archetypal qualities
to dissolve all energy blocks
remove all sickness and misfortune
cleanse all negative energies
and nourish the body
i told my body to let this water do that
then i told the water i loved it
and thanked it
and drank it
i got back in bed
and listened to the rave thumping
of the waves crashing and echoing
somewhere in this hill
causing the whole rock i’m on to rumble
hmmmmmmm
i wanted to go back to sleep
i did not want to sit up and meditate
i did not want to be awake
but it is what it is
i lay there for a while
feeling like leftovers
eventually
i saw the light coming into the sky
i stared at it
then got up
and started my morning exercises
i’ve been doing a lot of abdominal work lately
reverse breathing
then
kalabatamdjtbr kti
i don’t remember the word
emptying the lungs with the tongue out
locking the throat and pelvis
and pulling the abdomen in and up as high as it will go
then using the abdominal muscles to creates waves
to wring out the organs
shake them up
clean them
then this
plowing the field
abdominal self massage
my organs have been so sore. . .
. . . it ends with a “dragon breath”
which is a high whistling squeal as the air pops back into your lungs (which helps clean them)
then the lung sound
sssssss
ah
oh
yeah
i should probably do the six healing sounds
⁃ a qigong exercise to clean negative emotional energy from your organs
so i started doing that
a loose informal intimate friendly version of it
and i found so much garbage in my organs’ energy fields!
this practice can often lead to belching
. . . i was belching this morning more than i ever remember
not surprisingly
there was tons of toxic Worry in my pancreas and spleen and stomach
tons of Fear in my kidneys
. . . sorry guys, i should have cleaned you sooner
not too surprisingly
i felt very happy after this
and went down to the beach to do my next set of exercises and chan suu chin
(but didn’t go swimming coz i noticed the water for the showers wasn’t working this morning: happens some times. . . imperfect world, even in paradise. . . and i’ve also noticed my skin gets unhappy if i lay around and sweat with dried sea water salt on my skin)
my body was stinky
but felt so much better
but still
tired
it said
that was enough
and i lay down
and talked with a few friends about Death.
Death is a very important topic.
people, i think, are totally insane where Death is concerned. . . which is most places. . . so people are all insane all over their lives. it’s frustrating for me. Thanks Terence.
. . .
i asked what would happen if we didn’t take these extreme measures
what if we just went about business as usual
and let those who got the disease die?
it would still
probably
be less than the amount of people who die every year from heart problems or cancer
why didn’t we do that?
it’s completely mind blowing to me
that the power and economic structures of the world chose to freeze like this
in my wildest imagination
i never thought this would happen
it’s done something strange to me
i’m just as likely to believe The Aliens Are Coming
or The Faery Kingdom will reveal itself
or the earth will crack open
out soaring Dragons and Unicorns and Leviathan
who the fuck knows!?!
anything can happen now!
anything horrifying
anything healing. . . anything good. . .
sure: greedy money monsters might decide to give money back to the people
the entirety of society might change
for the better!
or it could all get worse
who knows!?!
there are so many conspiracy theories
about this disease being engineered to kill off the older people who are not part of the work force
so governments wouldn’t have to keep paying for their social health
too much of a burden!
or to enact new measures of social control
or all these other crazy things
but let’s not entertain any of them right now
let’s go with the main stream accepted stories
why did the world go into isolation and lock down?
is it because they are afraid of death?
yes yes
i understand “flattening the curve”
but that is to try and have less people die from the inability of the medical system to help them
. . . which is already happening in many cases
(not treating people over 60!)
it’s about having less people die from this disease
even though more people are going to die from causes that aren’t “novel” this year
than are going to die from this virus
why?
i asked a friend
he said “i don’t believe i should die. especially not this young. i think science is getting close to where death can be an option”
i thanked him for being honest with me
i told him to try and look at that statement from the perspective of everything in the natural world
and even in our economic society
and see that it’s INSANE
of course we should all die
do you want to wear one suit of clothes forever? they wear out!
do you use the same phone or tablet or computer for . . . more than a decade? could you use it forever?
when everything changes so fast?
old technology is no longer compatible. . .
of course
bodies get rigid and brittle with time
so do their personalities
their egos
and societies and paradigms are always changing
dying allows these to slough off
leaves falling from a tree
old trees dying
new ones growing. . .
turns out he’s a christian
an operating system i found far too claustrophobic and limited
it helps that i believe in reincarnation
and can identify “my true self” (absurd!) with all of existence
and everything outside of existence too
there is no End with death
just a constant changing
. . .
i’ve not been washing my hands constantly
but then
i’m only outside of my own room
touching things
usually once a day
so when i go out
i’ve been washing my hands with copper
is this effective?
i don’t know
i read a story that talked about the squalid living conditions of people in the copper smelting plants in france during the cholera epedemics
. . . but the found that so many more of them survived . . .
the numbers were drastically different in their communities
it was later discovered that copper has a natural antiseptic (antibacterial/ antiviral) function
they were sanitizing their hands all the time
compared to the average person a that time
i have tons of copper in all my various things in america
and don’t have any of them with me here
except my copper water bottle
and i always leave that in my room
so i put a plastic cover on it to keep the dust out
and took the o-ring off the screw top lid
all copper
whenever i go out eat
handle money
touch the table
handle food
i rub my hands with the lid
hold it
play with it
maybe it helps
maybe it’s better than hand sanitizer
. . .
i’ve talked with some of the people who have spiritual fascinations
people who have devoted lots of their life to silence and isolation
we are ok with this social distancing
as much as we can be
it’s amazing to me that
now
everyone is on a meditation retreat
they can use that time
sure
to just entertaining themselves
there is no end of entertaining garbage to fill the gourd with
Animal Crossing looks great
there are tons of free movie databases
and
infinite series of shows to stream
but people
perhaps
have more opportunities to pause and see what they are thinking and feeling
there’s also infinite tools for meditation out there
apps
talks
books
videos
all telling you to
stop doing
practice being at peace
abandon what disturbs peace and clarity
open the heart
practice keeping the heart open with kindness
and deciding not to generate fear and anger
and greed
we are all on retreat now
are we making any time to learn to be at peace with ourselves?
to face our fears?
to be at peace with our death?
to set ourself free
from all these unnecessary worries?
. . .
i had a very lazy day yesterday
but felt noticeably better
i kept drinking my herbal tinctures
and hibiscus tea
and napping
i am very grateful
i slept well last night
after mediating on the hill top
watching the sickle of the new moon
set below venus
i “slept in” til about 5:30 this morning
woke up feeling
Well
i did some exercises down on the beach
with very good concentration
did the energy cleaning of the organs
and it wasn’t nearly so congested
but a wise thing to do daily for a while
and when i massaged my abdominal organs
i noticed the soreness was gone
i climbed on some
rocks
it felt
again
like i was adventuring
exploring
and i saw the blowhole i’d been hearing
spurting a rainbow mist from the waves
then i swam a bit
then had some fruit
poured out last night’s tea
and went to lay in my hammock and respond to messages
but felt tired
so put my phone down and slept in my hammock over two hours
so grateful for good rest
finally, what i was trying to do to help that fella
has worked
a million work-arounds
one of them worked
the venezualean girl i met a few weeks ago replied to my message
and let me use her partner’s computer to restore my phone
it might actually work this time
i’ve been sitting here for hours waiting for the iOS update to download
my lungs still hurt a little
but i’ve no fever or headache today
and i can still smell fine
and i haven’t coughed once
i’ve had time to read through this whole rambling
edit it a bit
clarify a few points
fix the typos
sorry i’m not perfect
sorry it’s been so long
there’s been so much uncertainty and worry
and it’s not over
but i’m so grateful i get moments of peace at least
so grateful i’m in a beautiful place
that is more free of panic
if not entirely free
i can always listen to the waves
. . .
i have very limited internet here
i’m sad i can’t be making videos
or joining all the streaming heart circles and concerts and performances and classes
but i’m ok with being on retreat
something i’ve been working on for the last year
is the idea of unconditional . . .
unconditional love
unconditional happiness
unconditional faith. . .
that’s tricky
as i always associated that word
faith
with a whole paradigm i didn’t like
but i’ve redefined it
to me
now
it means
knowing
believing
everything will be Ok
everything will find balance
and in fact
as Max Ehrmann said
“And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” – https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html
since humans have existed
countless people have lived and died
and loved
countless cities and civilizations have flourished
and fallen
and risen anew
since live has existed on this planet
countless iterations have burgeoned
evolved
been wiped out by tragedies unimaginable
or to make your toilet paper
i’m time
life will begin again
after whatever catastrophy befalls it
on this planet
and others
there is nothing to worry about
if you let go of yourself
and everything you know
oh
keep living and stuff
but don’t
you know
hold onto anything
think it should be
any other way than it is
. . .
i have compiled
and started many writings
wanting to deal with this
but all of this i just jotted out over the last few days
this is enough
it’s my version of this experience
try as i might
i don’t have any answers
but i love you
i’m glad you’re here
and i want you to be well
thank you for existing
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