Month: November 2011

when I woke this morning and what’s the other bad went to lay down and have a strange half dream state bracket feel how relaxed my job was to my job was hanging get my lips were still together I ohms spending minutes many many many minutes on each owe you M letting it flow through my body feeling the space relaxing my face relaxing my whole body falling down into my legs love creation Homous and I Philson

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whatever naturally IS
isn’t good enough
You should change it
that will be better.
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through the ceiling
I can hear a man snoring
a steady intermittent
rumbling

like a child
I could always hear my father
down the hall

is it strange?
I find it vaguely comforting

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I put my music on shuffle today
I had a lot of things to do
with direction
I staggered around my apartment
going back to sleep
unaware to find goat’s milk outside
I struggled with folding laundry
impossibly washing my hands again
rolling out truffles
washing the dishes
washing my hands
using needles, cable, tin foil

the music played
"random"
but with some guidance
known to gods of algorithms
or desperate hearts
some order
things I could believe in
laugh at
move about

when finally leaving
song 43 came on
"in the back seat"
off Funeral
by Arcade Fire

I remembered moments I listened to this song
moments I laughed at it
moments I cried with it
wondering now
exactly what it is about…

walking down that long 1 Tunnel
the climax of the song blaring away
I thought of Polyphonic Spree
how I could never get into them
Every Song was an Anthem
or some penultimate celebration
but I never believed any of it
it all sounded like they were making something Like that
but it wasn’t it…
like any Cold Play song,
but obviously less deftly

I believed The Arcade Fire on those two albums…
they were a bit absurd and a tad annoying
but they were desperate and serious
they were here with us
and begging us to come along
and showing us the way

I remember
after getting into that record
hearing all the hype
Bowie touting them
selling out arenas
Really?

and Yeah
I haven’t believed them since
and even hearing this song now
her hopelessly exasperated "my whole life" hasn’t as much impact because she sounds like she’s 18 and she probably needs many more years of learning to drive
or is it:
who I am now
thinks we all should be
learning to drive
our whole lives

yes
it’s hard
but off to work we go…

Song 22 was "Pow Pow" by LCD Spundsystem
and it made me think of time
"coz honestly, how much time do you waste? How much time do you blow every day?"
thinking, again
of Debtor’s Jail
and my Artist Friend
who was in Debtor’s Anonymous
the troubles we might have wasting money
the troubles we have wasting time…

( song 23 was "on the wire" by PJ Harvey, in case you were curious )

I’d been listening to Audio Books for months and all this pop music is a different sort of storytelling…

I heard "Telephone" by GaGa on Glee and it got stuck in my head like a glitch virus for days
horrible
every time I checked in
my mind was repeating little chunks of the song
in horror
I had to download it
in horror, today, I erased her off my phone
every song of hers I heard I wanted to skip

but I loved the glitch-skipping in the song, in her voice

it reminded me of the Ting Tings "Great DJ"
the E-E-E and the
part

also
CSS "Believe Achieve" from their Donkey album
which I started this shuffle with
"I was to take your eyes
use then as a seed
grow a big tree
on my balcony
e-e-e-e-e-e"

this writing ends during song 46
"Kissing Things"
by The 6ths
(which followed "Like Spinning Plates" by Radiohead, the live I Might Be Wrong version)

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I had this friend
I made some understandings about him
they related to this and that
and I knew him like someone else
and I knew him for time
so I knew him from experiences
so I knew him some ways
and some of those ways he didn’t agree with
certainly didn’t want to agree with
and told me so
told me "those beliefs you hold about me: they aren’t helping me"
and I knew that
but it’s where my faith lay

we were friends
and there was turbulence
and we were shaking
and on he went
I was elsewheres

I asked him what he wanted
what he said he knew he wanted

and he was absent
he was elsewheres

and I thought of him
as he’d want to be known
as I’d like to know him
but obviously don’t

in my mind
in my solitude
thinking of him
I told him

You will have to Teach me how you want to be Known
and as I get it wrong
continually get it wrong
you will have to teach me
better teach me
be better teacher
between idea and fact
between thought and act
set a better example of what you want to be
so I might know you as you are
as you really are
as you’ve made yourself to be
in front of me

teach me how to know you
as you want to be
be as you are
when you are what you want to be

what do you want?
what do you want to be?

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made by Young Jee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NYy5TIcZrA

i was sleeping next to koos 
and larry started screaming down the hall

was it 4am?
i was laying on my side out in the front room 
curled up next to the plants

could it have been from sleeping so close to the Salvia?
or Koos?

i woke out of the dream
but only slightly
and thus
was given some lucidity
which allows me to remember it
but also be shocked by it:

it was a continuation of 
other dreams
or other realities…

i was going off to school
Magic school

not at all like Hogwarts, though i have just put myself through the Harry Potter books
i don't know if it was inspired by that
i had the feeling that it was last year
or years before 
that i had been there before
or had other dreams

i remember looking at myself in the mirror once
my eyes were bright green
my face was entirely different, actually
a bit more celtic/mongolian

but here i was
back at magic school
with all the same strange intricacies
the room that we used to enter between this world and that (the school, was of course, in some sort of parallel dimension where it couldn't be tampered with by people who wouldn't understand it… or seek to control it) was like a public showers…
yeah, we used a special nozzle and the water that came out would pass us between this and that

i was back at school
setting up my room again in the dorm
it was all kinda boring white drywall 
very "heartwood" (i haven't dreamt of that place in a long while)
in fact, i think i had my white Ford EXP there to drive around in
yes, waking with some feeling that that car was special to me 
some how intrinsic with my personality
strength, or freedom… or some ego food ideal

but the interesting thing in the dream was i knew it was my third year of school
and i had specific memories about the struggles i'd had in the years previous:
wresting concentration
something relating to trees
being still and centered
unable to manifest . . .

i arrived and unpacked my things
couldn't find my wand
forgot, even, what it looked like
how to use it
surprised i was here
and where were my books?
i started rummaging through my things
and walking through the campus
looking for my friends (not really like heartwood, a little like that place i stayed in the desert once.. pretending to be alone. wide, flat open… but with many buildings instead of just one…)
i was surprised to see my car
and thought i might have lost it in there
or my car gave me special abilities..
i went back to the showers
and felt embarrassed
people were coming and going
i was cruising for a second
so distracted!
where is the nozzle?
i have to get back to find my stuff or i'll never make it through this year…
i've got to learn . . .

i was talking with Leo tonight about the film "Death in Venice"… he was commenting on the costumes being so authentic… some offhanded mention of how uncomfortable the upper classes were back then…
and i thought of the struggle of civilization
ah-hem: "Civilization". 
pulling ourselves up by our boot-straps…
what does it take?

it think of the finery
the ceremony
the tutelage
the binding
the corsets
the britches…

oh, inane suffering, it might be said
all those ruffs and endless dance lessons
coupled with piano lessons
and etiquette lessons

but how much more inane than lives filled with 
eating, fighting, fucking, dancing, drinking
as the 99% have always #occupied their times

civilization is silly
but what we take for granted now…
what we ache to unmake
was rent from the sloppy wild beast that is Man
by the horrible crucible of repression that is Culture

with that we get all of our clever gadgets
such wonderful magical toys of distraction
and magnified self importance (Hello!)
our credit cards ( who came up with that idea? and with what exploitive potentials? and with what advantages for the suckers who use them? legion! )

i don't know
they get all this Wealth
"we" want distribution of Wealth
but we always forget what price we all pay to keep this story going
what roles we agree to

the 99% is the medium of history
the great story of humanity is being told through them
all the passions, the graspings and aversions
the wars and terrors, plagues and epidemics
love stories and murders, addictions, victories

yes, yes, the 1% enjoys and suffers these just the same
but with terrible mirrors surrounding all of their actions
awful amplifications of their agency in the archetypes they represent
that are stereotyped out infinitely into the world
such immense responsibilities!
such weight…

like the chinese children who spend their entire lives
, whatever lives those may be, never seeing sun, playing free, losing limbs
and their parents killing themselves regularly
so we might buy $15 sweaters
and $10 white shoes
some nice $400 laptops we can throw away in a year
while we complain about our mounding debts…
… before we get washed away in the flood
and those horribly neurotic, repressed, idiotic geniuses are doomed to carry on this story
reduced to the refined aspects of human personalities
glimmers of poets in their beady little eyes
dreams of lovers in their atrophied hearts…
so when their lot returns to what we accept as "poverty"
(which may also be known as "natural living")
they can people again the planet with beings capable of such luxuries of self delusion
to care about brand new shoes and finding their true soul mate…

plight or duty
we all have our burden to bear

… i'm not so much about putting things in their place
as to looking properly to understand the places that all of the ten thousand things already #occupy