the world continues to show such love and compassion and I feel gratitude for it
yet I worry about issuing un-ending forgiveness because of people I feel to exploit that as a weakness because they can just get away with it
remaining ignorant to their abuse
how to teach lessons?
to love when sometimes withholding…
is withholding love?
the world gives
and gives and gives
and gives us endless opportunities to love
.
:.:
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I think the flight is an hour and twenty three minutes late
I read Leo’s memoir
slept a bit
listened to The Deathly Hallows
and a baby crying
watching the glowing American cities in the darkness of the great American night
and looking at the Live Map
I had a small yearning to be Out West again
Arizona
New Mexico
California
the desert
I hear it…
and here I am
in San Francisco
only a moment
I’m getting a car
spending the night in Berkeley
(might I get my mind split open in the morning?)
(he said he’s putting me in "the Harry Potter room, under the stairs")
time catches everything up
maybe it’s telling that tale
"I lived in that apartment for seven years"
time for transformation
what is "aveda"?
what is "axio"?
bother
I’m bleary
what next?
maybe a stop at the hole…
I’ll have to see how the Car feels
hello
.
:.:
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so
it’s 7am
people are waking up
the sun is rising
I’m going to sleep
I have a client a noon
and a full day ahead
but I got home round midnight
and started trying to figure out how to fix my disappeared "Notes" problem
in the down time
while my iPhone 4 was being restored into all of the different incarnations of all the iPhones I’ve had
I cleaned and restructured part of my kitchen
— I’ve often been thinking about how to make it work better
and tonight I just started…
pulled between the two I accomplished a lot
for these little mundane things
but I keep feeling like its good for me to feel proud about these things
though I have accomplished a lot in my life in some ways
others I am a bit behind
like domesticity
eventually I’ll be able to integrate other basics…
like sleep.
when days are ugly
and everything I adore I abhor
I just want to shut my mouth and forget it
but watching a bio-pic about Francis Bacon
believes me I should cling to angsty obsessions to drive myself to greatness
I
was
writing
about
my obsession with mediocrity
hating vehemently
Bach ground garbage music
and shit advertising
exposing my miscreant misanthropists blaringly
while staring at some distended fat man with goggling eyes
Koos said “you can’t possibly find that attractive”
but of course I was drawn to stare at it
why?
is the myth of the Large Man I have totally foolish?
just some other superficial trait most possessed by the mediocre
of
most possessed of everything is by the mediocre
I felt furious
even the trains weren’t running
after having to help some excessively anxious german woman
patience expired
on my way to have dinner with someone I feel exasperated by even before seeing him
my cough returning
I think, as I trudge up the stairs
— I don’t want to care about anyone… I don’t want to have to listen, see, care.
and I imagine myself alone for the winter
firing all my friends
and attempting to create a body of work that interests me
tells the story in a useful way
but now I’m bored by even myself
knowing I’d waste my time with my lust or some ardent distraction
infuriated hell-being
condemned to living
there is a voice
(many, now in the shadows)
speaking of love
the work of loving
the necessity
yes
I know
and I know this expression is all shit
vomit
but god
how do I not feed myself on such poison?
.
:.:
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passion
opened with an orgasm
as she faked it on his naked body
curtain rising
her period came early
he was a family man
looked at the stage hand and mouthed
"lower the curtain"
they cleaned up
changed the bed sheets
and started again
her cumming
on top
as the curtain rose
.
:.:
(told somewhat by Ian)
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I wish there were photos like this all over the city
.
:.:
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being naked along the river washes it all away…
.
:.:
I said this was my mantra tonight
right now
just this moment
“I wish I were a wife”
I felt this
when a man enamored with the term “polyamory”
let me vent a bit at him
I talk to people
I feel them
their thoughts and feelings reflect back into me
the ripples continue the conversation
long after…
I sat down
acute with frustration
having just voiced it
and looked at my friends:
I wish I were a wife
humbly taking the weakness of my lovers
pulling the slack
doing the work to support them in the way of their being
I’m still so angry and bitter
of the way my mother did that for my father
that I Am that arrogant bastard he was
expecting my lovers to exist freely of me with me
being responsible for every aspect they intersect
oh
I am very giving
happy in service often
oh
i am just tired
I’ve not slept well in weeks
I’m over saturated
I’m edgy and need peace and quiet
oh..
I wish I were a wife
strong and patient
taking on the immense weight
of the imperfection of Men
(Rodin’s “Caryatid”)
(e.g.: http://ronnisrants.blogspot.com/2007/10/rodins-fallen-caryatid.html?m=1 )
my friends are my lovers
I just get bitter doing all the work…
I love doing the work
until I get deluded into thinking I’m doing all the work
then I don’t want to do any of it
and resent every ignored action
and fall into fear
deluding myself I’m so lazy I want my lovers to do all the work always…
I’m wrestling.
I should be sleeping.
I should be dreaming.
I should be resting in my brother’s arms.
I should be nurtured by my family’s love.
.
:.:
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